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John Buford & Sean Georges: On Mission Leadership

We all know that when it comes to leadership and accomplishing a mission, the US Military is hard to beat. But we think we understand what that means – it’s actually not about cold commands or ranks and titles. If you want to become a more effective leader, then tune in! My guests, John Buford and Sean Georges, both former military leaders themselves, unpack the fundamentals of good leadership so you can be more effective.

Jonn and Sean view leadership as a real, human-centric responsibility, not a romanticized, mythical calling. Today we talk about what authentic leadership really means, why leadership doesn’t derive from power, and how to put people and a shared mission at the heart of your leadership model. They share how military leadership principles can lead to business success (and why some civilian leaders misunderstand what that means) and the important difference between leading and managing. We discuss the mistakes well-intentioned leaders make, and how to balance supporting your team and being human with strength, confidence, and excellence. Enjoy these practical and timeless leadership lessons.

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • There is a responsibility of care and service that comes with real leadership. It’s not about demanding and ordering, it’s about serving with your team for the larger mission. 
  • The best leaders don’t need to remind you that they outrank you; they serve you. Leadership doesn’t work the way an org chart looks. 
  • Being a follower first will allow you to better understand and empathize with those you are later leading. 

“Real, authentic leadership is an upside-down world:  It’s you at the bottom, conceptually influencing from that place looking up at your teammates, in alignment with mission.”

—  John Buford

About John Buford, Ph.D., Co-founder, On Mission

John Buford served as a Marine Corps officer for more than 20 years, conducting operations overseas and teaching at officer training schools. After retiring from the Marines, John earned a doctoral degree in education (training and performance improvement specialization) and became a certified wilderness medicine instructor, college professor, and outdoor educator. He is the co-founder of On Mission Leadership, a certified leadership coach, professional wilderness guide, whitewater kayak/canoe and sea kayak instructor, human performance consultant, and board member of several nonprofit organizations.

About Sean Georges, J.D., LL.M., Co-Founder, On Mission

Servant Leader, retired General Counsel and SVP of Human Resources for a publicly traded retailer with 5,000 employees in 400 stores; Naval Academy Graduate and Marine Corps Officer and Judge Advocate; Law degrees from the University of Illinois and The Judge Advocate General’s School of the Army at the University of Virginia.

References Mentioned:

Leaders Eat Last: Why Some Teams Pull Together and Others Don’t by Simon Sinek

The Empathy Edge podcast interview with Val Ries: How to Be the Leader Everyone Wants to Work For

Connect with John and Sean:

Website: https://onmissionleaders.com

Book: On Mission: Your Journey to Authentic Leadership https://onmissionbook.com/ 

John Buford on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/dr-john-buford-340b37a/ 

Sean Georges on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sean-georges-031b486/ 

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria: 

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

We all know that when it comes to leadership and accomplishing a mission, the US military is hard to beat. But we think we understand what that means. It’s actually not about cold commands or ranks and titles. If you want to become a more effective leader than tune in my guests, both former military leaders themselves unpack the fundamentals of good leadership so you can be more effective. John Buford and Sean Georges are co founders of on mission leadership, providing coaching and speaking that equip and support leaders to succeed. They’re the co-authors of the new book on mission, your journey to authentic leadership. John Buford served as a Marine Corps officer for more than 20 years, conducting operations overseas, and teaching at Officer Training schools. After retiring from the Marines. John earned a doctoral degree in Education with a training and performance improvement specialization and became a certified wilderness medicine instructor, college professor and outdoor educator Sean Georges is a retired general counsel and SVP of human resources for a publicly traded retailer with 5000 employees and 400 stores. He’s also a Naval Academy graduate, and Marine Corps officer and Judge Advocate, John and Sean view leadership as a real human centric responsibility, not a romanticized mythical calling. Today we talk about what authentic leadership really means. Why leadership doesn’t derive from power, and how to put people and a shared mission at the heart of your leadership model. They share how military leadership principles can lead to business success, and why some civilian leaders misunderstand what that means. And the important difference between leading and managing. We discuss the mistakes well intentioned leaders make, and how to balance supporting your team and being human with strength, confidence and excellence. Enjoy these practical and timeless leadership lessons. 

Maria Ross  03:36

Welcome to the empathy edge. John Buford, Sean Georges. I am so excited to have you on here to talk about leadership and and what we can learn from the military. It’s almost counter intuitively about what makes effective leadership. So welcome to the show. You have both authored a wonderful book called on mission. And you also have co-founded an organization on mission leadership. So, tell us a little bit about your story.

 John Buford  04:05

Sure, I’ll start with that. Sean. It’s long, but I won’t make it started in third grade in small town and

 Sean Georges  04:17

As a tourist

Maria Ross  04:18

I love it.

 John Buford  04:18

Don’t don’t worry. I have a fast forward coming up here. Yeah, we were best friends in third grade in high school athletes together. And then both went in the Marine Corps in different ways shone through the Naval Academy through a public school, boot camp in public School, stayed in contact for years and years. And then oh, I don’t know a decade or two ago. They start blurring after a while. But we had this 20-year kind of email conversation about leadership and it grew and it grew and we tested each other when we questioned each other. And we started putting our thoughts down. And then one day, we kind of had an epiphany and said, “hey! let’s, let’s write a book”. We really think we have a message that could be useful to people. And it was more of a bucket list type of thing than marketing or business proposition. And it’s been a wonderful, wonderful journey. And we’re very happy with the, with the product that came out. That was fast.

Maria Ross  05:28

No, I love it. It’s the cliffnotes version. And then did you start on mission leadership before the book or after the book?

 John Buford  05:35

Concurrently, roughly, you know, if that was more of a business thing, you know, we we needed to an umbrella bucket to catch all the goings on of publishing and writing and website and marketing. And so yeah, we started kind of current concurrently with writing a book that I love.

 Sean Georges  05:56

No, I think this is Sean. I, I think that one of the, one of the real core reasons why we decided to write the book was really like John mentioned, to both gather, refine, and test our beliefs and concepts. And so you know, you even if hopefully, people will buy it, read it, apply it more importantly. But it was a you know, kind of a refining fire anytime you’ve got to. Okay, well, when I say leadership, what I mean by leadership, exactly, when I use the word authentic, what am I talking about? What’s the journey?

Maria Ross  06:39

Well, that’s a great segue, because that’s actually my first question for you is, what does it mean? What does it really mean to lead authentically, we hear that buzzword thrown around a lot. What does it mean to lead authentically and develop a shared purpose? What does that actually look like in practice?

 Sean Georges  06:56

Yeah, you know, one of the things that we really focused on in and we do, we try to walk the talk as well, but but as we were writing the book, and coming up with with core concepts, we were looking, we wanted to stay focused on the real thing. On the the end, so authentic, isn’t some kind of, we don’t have a trademark after it or anything fancy. It’s not, it is simply what we have observed in the course of our military careers, our civilian careers, which were very diverse kinds of experiences, and, you know, for profit, nonprofit, in the classroom outdoors, John, with his experience was that there that running across all of these experiences, and is something very real and true about, about both people who who lead, who lead in an authentic way, and, and what it means to lead authentically. And, you know, John, and I like to say, and we didn’t make this up, either. There’s nothing new under the sun when it comes to leadership. But there are these simple core, very real concepts, perspectives and principles. So authenticity is both who you are while as you are leading in your life, and also what it means to lead. The concept is simple. And it is about it is about influencing another human being with whom you share a mission. So, you’ve got some shared mission, some shared purpose to be working together, operating together. There’s something there. And so, it is a responsibility. You have to another person to influence them. And at the core of all of our experience, and all of our observation, all of our experience following which is an important School of leadership, and leading it has to do with relationship. You can you can influence another person’s actions, their commitment to that shared mission, through your relationship with them. And it’s not a warm and fuzzy thing. It is simple. It is about servant leadership, leading as a servant. So that’s the authentic that’s the heart and soul of what we found to be leadership in all the different environments.

Maria Ross  09:43

Well, and I would say to you know, because as a brand strategist, I talked about this a lot in terms of what is an authentic brand and it’s not this one thing, it’s not this one definition of authentic is whatever it is, whatever is true for you and your business. It just means you’re not putting on a facade? Yes. About authentic leadership, it’s really about leading with your strengths. Right? Well, you are with your style with your sense of humor with your, you know, vulnerability and not trying to pretend you’re something you’re not.

 Sean Georges  10:16

Yes, absolutely. And I think people have a hard time with that maybe because they’ve seen a lot of, you know, sort of posturing and puffing, and there’s gotta, you’ve got to look a certain way talk,

Maria Ross  10:29

To have all the answers, etc.

 John Buford  10:32

Yeah, smartest.

Maria Ross  10:34

Right, exactly. And I think you know, that’s, that’s also vulnerabilities also misunderstood, because it doesn’t mean you walk around not making any decisions and crying all the time. It just means when you know, you’re confident and those decisions, when you need to rely on others, you rely on others. And when you don’t know the answer, you say, I don’t know, but I’m going to find out.

 Sean Georges  10:54

That’s right. Exactly, we will find out right. And, you know, that’s, that’s the thing that I think people have a hard time with is, you know, it’s sort of an upside down real authentic leadership is kind of an upside-down world, it’s you at the bottom of conceptually influencing from that place, looking up at your teammates, in the in alignment with mission. So, your mission, your shared purpose is at the top, it’s always in a lot your line of sight. So, you’re not just walking around patting people on top of the head. Right? You are, you are finding ways from that place. And you’re asking a simple question. What is my best and highest role to serve this person? Or this team? In alignment with our shared mission? You are? That’s the mirror check question. Every authentic leader is asking them themselves. What’s my best and highest role to serve? In alignment with mission? When you get that now the answers right can depend on so many things. Yeah, depends on the nature of the mission, the readiness and capabilities of your teammates, your you know, knowledge, ability, competence, all that but if you always act from that place, that is kind of the heart and and soul of what it means to lead you’re you’re finding ways to influence your teammates in accomplishing something together.

Maria Ross  12:30

Well, and I think too, you know, people have a hard time making that jump from doing to leading, you know, it is it is a mental job, it’s, it’s your job is no longer to do the thing you used to do your job is to enable and empower others to do the things they need to do. So, your team succeeds, as you said, toward the mission. And where I see a lot of companies go wrong businesses go wrong, is either their mission is just some fluffy statement, they put about a poster on the wall that nobody actually takes to heart or understands what that looks like every day. Or they don’t they didn’t even articulate a mission. So, so I’m just in my own head thinking, this is why I’m here. My boss might be thinking something else; my colleague might be thinking something else. And nobody’s nobody’s running in the same direction.

 John Buford  13:18

One of the most powerful experiences I had was, I was facilitating executive leadership development program. It’s out in the wilderness is out in the woods. It was a extended wilderness expedition, we we were building a pretty complex rope bridge across her ravine. It was an initiative that these exists. They’re all type A personalities, all GMs. And they each had a task to do and every it was going nowhere. Quickly. Everybody was doing things on their own. Everybody was being an individual superstar, tying knots slinging slings, around trees, clipping carabiners, and nothing was getting done. Nobody was talking especially with each other and one of the one of the participants, a woman just stopped what she was doing, started looking around and watch her teammates, flailing for a while. And she finally got his attention and said, hey, hey, everybody stopped looking at her. She said, “what are we trying to accomplish here?” Amazing, not amazing, but but confirmatory the power of that question, but one person spoke up and said it was his honor to do it and another person, another person, and quickly a vision was seated and everybody agreed on collectively what they’re trying to accomplish. That’s all it took. And so, yeah, I agree, Marie. I mean, that is so critical for a leader to keep that mission is Shawn calls that mission alignment or Mission clarity, Mission awareness inside because we’re so busy producing widgets and balancing budgets and doing all this stuff we do in organizations, sometimes just what are we trying to accomplish here by Game Maker for?

Maria Ross  15:16

Well, and you know, from a brand perspective, when I work with with an AI, when I work with companies, we want to articulate a mission and a vision that’s meaningful, that actually will inform daily decisions. So you know, one of my favorite things to say is, can you ask yourselves if this meeting, or whatever decision you’re making in every meeting you have every day, is furthering the mission or detracting from the mission? And if you don’t do that, then you’re not living your mission.

 John Buford  15:44

We’re just as guilty of not doing things. We’re just as guilty of doing things that have nothing to do with a mission. That’s probably that’s probably worse. Yeah. Because Because doing stuff to, to what’s necessary for admission is usually is usually $1. You know, you, you’re gaining by getting there. But what happens is people get sidetracked by, okay, these processes creep in over time, this culture builds around this what we do, and sometimes that question is, why are we doing this? Right? Right? Nobody can answer. That’s probably the worst of the two evils is doing stuff that has nothing to do. 

Maria Ross  16:29

It’s distracting, right? It’s just, it’s just a waste of time and effort and resources. So, you know, you want everything you want, you know, everybody marching in the same direction, which actually kind of brings me to an interesting question for both of you with your military experience, because I know a lot of your leadership philosophies are grounded in what you learned in the military as well. There’s a, I think there’s a I would call it a fallacy in corporate leadership, where people think they’re adopting a military model, right? They think they’re adopting, I’m going to be a drill sergeant, even hear that phrase, I’m going to be a drill sergeant, right? Or people describe their boss as a drill sergeant. Right? And it’s a very, it’s very command and control. But is that the reality of military leadership? Because military leadership is so effective? And I have to imagine there’s more to the story.

 John Buford  17:18

So so let me kick let me kick that off, Sean, and I’ll let her go. So, command and control is absolutely important. But I think the where people get derailed is they confuse command and control with leadership. There are two different things command is absolutely imperative. It’s imperative. You know, authority is imperative in any organization, any team, right? Like you have to have a person […]

Maria Ross  17:42

You need to understand that roles, yeah. 

 John Buford  17:43

You’re right, and understand the roles and those type of things in organization. And you know, the way organizational relationships work in a way interpersonal relationships work are two different things. I think in the military, it’s the the rank structure is so ingrained is so important. It’s just taken for granted. And there’s where you get that kind of phrase, it’s popular right now, there’s been a book written about it, we mentioned ours leaders eat last is that’s where the power comes from in relationships is building that one on one, you know, relationship with people because the, the authority, the rank, the following awards, that’s, that’s very much a part of the efficiency. And just because of the nature of the work, it’s required, but the best leaders that we’ve known show I love you to, to build off this, the best leaders we’ve known, didn’t have to remind you, that they outright, right. They they serve, you.

 Sean Georges  18:47

know, that’s one of the phrases John and I come up with that are kind of looking back over combined 80 years of, of leadership and following experience is that leadership does not work the way an org chart looks. Org charts are designed really for management purposes. Your manage your your designating authority, you’re, you’re you’re, you know, certain spans of control, things like that. Management is about people leadership, or is about things, things processes, you know, systems. Leading leadership is about people. And one of the one of the biggest eye openers for for me about the military and, and leadership really can’t and this is after four years at the Naval Academy where, you know, you think you’re getting a it is a kind of a graduate degree and what it means to follow and to lead and what works, what doesn’t, but was at the basic school in Quantico was this phrase that was bouncing around and it was this kind of strange sort of little quip leaders eat last. Leaders eat last. What? What is that all about? Okay, well, I know where to stand. And when we go to the chow hall, I’m going to be last in line and you know, the the team, your Marines are going to be in front of you. So I’ve got that part. But it means everything, it means you are subordinating your needs, wants, your, you know, your ambitions, if you will, you can still be ambitious, but it is about your energy, your focus, your attention is on your team in the direction of mission. So, leaders eat last means everything, it means you are taking care of your people. First, I love the theme, you know, sort of the name of this podcast, empathy edge, that that requires humility, when you lead from that place. Empathy means you are keeping in mind and then focus what’s going on with your team. You know, the Marine Corps, just one of the most important things you need to do to lead in the Marines is to is to share the burden with your we don’t sit back and, and in the office when when, you know, we’ve got people out there doing hard work, you’re out there with them. Not micromanaging, but sharing the burden, and caring about their experience, not just theoretically, or it’s not a box you check. It is your their heart and soul, your heads there, you’re also thinking about mission, you’re thinking about your management responsibilities, right? But you’re thinking about the human beings. And that’s, that’s just part of the magic. So the reality in the military, is that it is about servant leadership, the effective leaders authentic leaders that we saw, regardless of rank, number of metals, on their chests, you know, whatever, right? They served their people first.

Maria Ross  22:12

Well, and that’s why they engender such loyalty and such productivity and such performance. And that’s, you know, when I researched the book, the empathy edge, that was what all the research shows is that empathetic cultures breed more innovation, people are more loyal people are more productive, by whatever measure, you define that and they more often than not achieve their goals. So, it’s not about just being compassionate and empathetic, and everyone’s standing around singing Kumbaya, this is actually in pursuit of achieving the mission. So, for too long, we’ve we’ve held this paradigm that if you are more human at work, if you are more compassionate at work, if you care about your employees, and you even bring a motion to work, that it means you’re going to be you’re going to lack ambition, you’re going to lack a competitive edge, you’re going to lack performance, and the inverse is true. So I love what you’re saying. And, and I love what you said about, you know, servant leadership, because I think this is this is a place where well intentioned new leaders might get it wrong if servant leadership means I kowtow to the needs and desires of everybody on my team. No, that’s not what it means. And so when you were talking about that, it’s it’s about doing what’s best to empower the team and you are making decisions, you are very clearly making decisions, and setting goals and holding people to high standards, but in service of the team. And I think that’s a nuance that new leaders don’t always when they’re trying to embrace servant leadership, they think it just means Oh, I just need to be really nice to everybody. 

 Sean Georges  23:48

Now let’s take a vote see what they want. 

Maria Ross  23:51

Exactly, exactly.

 John Buford  23:52

And I think the the most the most powerful analogy I use talking about servant leadership and it’s one that’s that’s simple, and that everybody understands, because if you haven’t been a parent, you’ve had a parent. And I think the parent child relationship is just the perfect you know, metaphor or model to explain servant leadership, we’ve foul either been a pair or had a pair and understand that it is a the wide range of responses, right? Every parent, nearly every parent, every good parent, number one in their life wants to serve their child wants to see their child’s thrive, survive, do well do better than they did. higher standard liver, etc. But they don’t just coddle their children. They do what’s necessary to move them their children forward, whether that’s a coaching role. disciplinarian, sometimes a shoulder to cry on or a hug. Sometimes, I’ve swapped the Fanny, right? It’s It’s, it’s a wide range, but all of it is based on the desire and the commitment to serve their child. Right. And so, you put that you turn that into a leader follower relationship, it’s the same thing. You know, Shawn often does a really good job talking about the difference between sympathy and empathy, right? Like sympathy is is pat him on the back and feel sorry for someone. Empathy is much more, is much stronger. Because you’re putting yourself in their shoes,

Maria Ross  25:36

you’re in it with them. Yeah, you’re and you’re and you’re actively listening to what they’re going through. So, as you said, sympathy is a little bit more distant. It’s sort of like, Oh, I’m really sorry, this thing is happening to you. And empathy is more about I’m going to I’m going to sit with you in this right sympathy

 John Buford  25:51

is something you do to someone or something you share with someone exactly. You have to work at it, you have to work at getting in their shoes, right? Then you have to decide you want to do that it’s the same as good listening skills, right? You have to work at listening, you have to stop what’s going on in your mind, and turn that off, and be intentional about okay, I want to understand what she who she is.

Maria Ross  26:19

And without defensiveness, this is the thing I always say is empathy. Actually, empathetic leadership actually requires a lot of strength. And you actually have to have your own house in order before you can’t really be empathetic. Because you can’t take on space in your brain for someone else’s point of view or perspective or feelings. If you’re too caught up in your own usual you will you will perceive everything as an attack your opinion to your values to who you are versus how you disagree with me. Tell me more about that. Why do you why do you disagree with this strategy? Why do you not think this is the way to go? Instead of Well, here’s automatically why I’m right, and you’re wrong.

 Sean Georges  26:59

This, this sort of rolls back around to one of the things about the military experience that I think is really smart. We before you are given put in a place where you’re even expected to, to to lead to influence others in the direction of a shared mission. You’re following. You are learning how to follow and with without question, you know, they don’t make you a general, right away or whatever they don’t. In fact, you’ve got to take care of your own stuff first. But that is brilliant. because it enables you to understand right to and to empathize without question, you know, that when, you know, when when something is required or not. You’ve been there you you’ve experienced that. And so, if you paid attention on that journey, right, everyone, you become aware of how you can influence other people and what that what that means, you know, I love General McChrystal, I think I’m quoting him correctly, once said, or wrote something along these lines that leadership is about, or requires the discipline of empathy. And I’ve thought, oh, that is really an interesting couple of. You know, it’s whether whether you were sort of born into this world, an empathetic human being or not,

Maria Ross  28:28

Which we all are sciences. But that muscle just atrophies for some time. So, we can strengthen it again.

 Sean Georges  28:36

And it exactly, and that’s why it’s a discipline, you have to bring it to the dance every time you’ve got to continue to exercise it. And I love that I think that’s a, that’s a part of what makes us makes us human and effective. In our leading, so yeah.

Maria Ross  28:56

Oh my gosh, so much good stuff. So where do you see, well intentioned leaders go wrong? Can you give us one or two red flags that maybe someone listening might go, ooh, I think I just did that behavior or did that thing unknowingly thinking that I’m being supportive of my people?

 John Buford  29:15

Let me start with a short one. And Sean, you can build on this. I think one of the biggest mistakes isn’t answering the question directly where they go wrong, but where they don’t get off on the right foot. Sean and I spend a lot of time in our book. Talking about leading from where you are leading from your place. I think a lot of people get caught off, they get caught off handed or get surprised when they get promoted, or they get put in a situation where they’re no longer just an individual contributor, but now they’re expected to weed Yes. And so we go to great pains to to try to catch people Start your leadership. Now there’s no title, there’s no rank, there’s no you don’t need a title to lead, there’s nothing in our definition, or very few definitions I’ve ever read, that refers to, you know, those in a particular position in the organization or with the title. So if, if you’re not prepared, if you haven’t built those or built those relationships, if you haven’t built that muscle memory, and I’m also talking about the heart muscle, not just others, but if you haven’t done that work, then when you do get in a position where you’re in charge of or charged with leading other people, it can be a bit, a bit of a surprise, and you can show up a little bit flat footed. So that would be the first thing that says, just start exhibiting leadership behaviors. And as Sean said, serving others and aligned with the mission, asking yourself for your best and highest rollers. So you’re prepared when you get there.

 Sean Georges  31:00

And I would, just to build on that, I would say, you know, the, the the times when I’ve seen if there are people not exhibiting leadership behavior, not stepping into that gap are they don’t see it, they don’t see the moment, they don’t see the opportunity. So, they miss it, or they try to fall back on management principles. Let’s set up KPIs, let’s set up a cue ours, you know, and let’s measure performance and do just, you know, all of this stuff that does not necessarily move a human being in the moment with respect to their commitment or their actions. They blur the line between managing and leading, and we do such a poor job overall. And our society, I think, on the planet in, in having a in developing and helping people to, to, to develop and grow and kind of shoulder their responsibilities as leaders, we and quite frankly. That is what John and I are trying to, to chip away at or just take a sledgehammer or re rebuild. I should put it more break. 

Maria Ross  32:27

Right 

 Sean Georges  32:28

Is we have got to find a way to help people come to grips with and to shoulder their leadership responsibilities in their life. And we don’t do a good job of that. The concepts are simple. It’s not easy. Absolutely, you know, to stay on top of, of what it means to be a member of a team who can lead. And those are the best teams, right? And leadership shifts around. And it’s not about rank, and sometimes you’re following and sometimes you’re you’re being a good teammate, and sometimes you’re taking a lead on this issue or that issue or on this matter and, or on that matter. And then you’re gonna step back, it’s a very fluid, kind of, that’s how real leadership works and real. So, you need as many people as possible who are ready and able to step into that gap.

Maria Ross  33:22

Right. And, you know, I know I’ve been a part of an organization, I’m sure you have to where the most influential leaders weren’t necessarily the head of the team. And not because they were usurping power now. But just the relationships they had built with people, the trustworthiness, the authenticity, made people want to follow them. And so, I love what you said earlier about, it’s not about your rank or your title. Because I think people who are not great leaders fall back on that sometimes. Well, I’m the VP and I said so right. And so, it’s really those people who should never have to pull rank, that are able to influence other people’s behavior because people want to follow them. I had a guest on the show previously, who talked about being the leader, every being the leader everyone wants to work for, and I’ll put a link to her episode in the show notes. But it’s that concept, it’s that you don’t really want to force it. You want it to just happen organically, that people are following you and, on your team, and accomplishing the mission because of who you are and what you stand for. 

 John Buford  34:30

Yes. And the circle circle back around your original question you just made me think of something really I think your original question “where do where do people go wrong?” 

Maria Ross  34:40

Yeah.

 John Buford  34:40

I think another additional what Sean said I think another place they go wrong as they tried to do too much themselves too much of the burden on their own shoulders and we we have a piece. And you know, our final chapter book we talked about kind of what next are okay, where do I go from here? And we say there’s no greater purpose and you know, this, we know this. There’s no a higher calling of a leader, they create more leaders. This really became evident to me I taught at undergraduate college for 11 years, taught undergraduate students and in my mission, my personal mission may not my, my job description. My personal mission was to help these young people find their voices a leader. And that was always in the forefront of my mind was not how to lead these people, these these humans, these these undergraduate students, but how I can move the dial or give them the opportunity to move their dial on finding their voices later. What does she need right now to help her move forward? What does he need for me to move forward? Because ultimately, you want to seem team of leaders, right? You want to be able to look at an organization and the team. And the greatest teams I’ve ever seen is I didn’t I couldn’t tell who was in charge.

Maria Ross  36:01

In a good way. 

 John Buford  36:04

It didn’t see the bad side of that. When nobody’s even worse, but

Maria Ross  36:12

I love it. I love it.

 John Buford  36:14

It’s a give and take, you know, it’s a dance. That’s something that I think leaders should always be doing. What can I What can I do to empower to teach the coach to help this person lead from where they are. 

Maria Ross  36:26

And I think because of a if the leaders in the room have adopted a servant leadership model, then nobody’s stepping on each other’s toes, even if everybody’s stepping up as a leader, because again, we’re all here for this mission. And I like I love that you call it a dance, because it’s, here’s, I’m gonna step up, because these are my strengths. But John, I’m gonna let you step up for this. Because I know these are your strengths. There’s no arrogance, there’s no pridefulness, there’s no ego. I’ve often quoted a friend of mine, Paris Albania, who I had on the show before as well, where she talks about ego kills empathy. And if you are coming at leadership, from an arrogant point of view, from an entitled point of view from a, everybody must listen to me and do what I say point of view. You might be successful in the short term, you know, but it’s not sustainable. And again, you’re not going to be the leader, people want to work for long term. So speaking of that, as we kind of wrap up here, just quick, not really round Robin. But John and Sean, who is an example of a good leader, in today’s world, in any industry, any realm, any space?

 John Buford  37:37

I’ll speak to my history in one of the greatest leadership lessons I ever got, I ever received. He was a, he was my battalion commander. So he was in charge of, you know, 800 guys, and I was paid him in, you know, business parlance mid-level manager below him. In the military, there’s very much a customer tradition of turning over command. So, when you leave a command, you have a big parade and a march and lots of pomp and circumstance, the old guy leaves the new guy or gal comes in. He was the best he was hard is harder than woodpecker lips, as we say, here in western North Carolina. He’s a tough guy. But he was the best leader I ever knew. And when he turned over command, he visibly wept, watching his Marines, what we call pastor view, March, Pastor van, and it was a aha moment for me. I think I was a good leader, but to see a man of his status and rank, visibly emotionally touched, by watching the the men and women he served for several years marched by and knowing that, that he was moving on that stuff. And that that was like, oh, I get it.

Maria Ross  39:07

I get those are the models, right? People that can be strong, and have high standards, and be human. You know, we need to do that I have a son, especially for men in our culture and boys in our culture, we need to show them that they can be strong and emotional at the same time. So, I love that leadership example. That that he shared with you. And how about you, Sean?

 Sean Georges  39:30

Yeah, in fact, I would add just to that, that, that that is required for leadership. Sometimes we get into this place. Oh, he was a great leader or she was a great leader. And then they were not quite No, no, no, that is leadership. I think there’s, there’s not there’s that is leadership. We’ve got to build back into sort of the definition what it really means to lead authentically you know for. And I love what you said about your so. We have sons and daughters and, and we need we can and and should lead in the same way across the spectrum of our life. You know, when I think of just me personally and something that had an impact on me, it was. Well, many things did but there was an upperclassman at the Naval Academy who, who later became an admiral. And so, you know, by the system sort of said, Yeah, this this person is, is an excellent leader. And this was early in my development, and I was about to meet with him in the midst of my first year at the academy and get some feedback, and I was in sort of full-on survival mode, I was coming at me fast and furious. I didn’t know which way was up. And so, this was six months into the first year. And he he sat down, and I respected him greatly, just tremendous example, calm, he you could tell he was watching and cared. And he said, Shawn, what do you see yourself accomplishing here at the academy and in your four years? And that that question was like, I don’t even you know, I’m trying to get through

Maria Ross  41:16

I won’t hate that question of what do you see yourself in five years? I’m like, I don’t know what opportunities themselves? Yeah.

 Sean Georges  41:25

And I gave some silly kind of answer, you know. Hope to hope to graduate, sir. But then he said this, he said, no. He said, here’s what I see you doing. And he laid out, you know, an academic goal and an athletic goal and a leadership goal. And he had been watching, he had been thinking he had actually put time and attention in and they weren’t, you know, oh, you’re gonna be great. You know, they weren’t really.

Maria Ross  41:53

They weren’t accustomed to you, because he got to know you.

 Sean Georges  41:56

It was real. Yeah, he actually spent that was and I ended up doing some things that were along those lines, not because he said. This is what I see that you are going to do. But because he helped me to take another look at, at taking responsibility for my life and for my journey. And, and just a circle back around. Our book is about the journey. It’s about taking responsibility for your journey of development, right here and now. Your life is your school. And that’s what we’re trying to get at.

Maria Ross  42:33

Well, I think that’s a great place to leave this wonderful conversation. John, Sean, thank you so much for sharing your insights. The book again is called “On mission, your journey to authentic leadership”. Pick up a copy if you can at all the places where you can get your books. And until next time. Please remember that cashflow and creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind.

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Hot Take: Empathy for the Real Story of Thanksgiving

As we slide into Thanksgiving here in the United States, I’m facing mixed emotions about this holiday as I get older and wiser. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for, but let’s talk for a second about the myth of thanksgiving. From a traditional perspective, gathering with friends and family and reflecting on all we have to be grateful for holds comfort and joy. No matter how dysfunctional our communities or our families may be, many of us are able to come together on this holiday, to eat amazing food, watch the kids play, catch some football, and gracefully sidestep any divisive political debates, which in recent years has taken on a whole new level of Herculean effort, but having a more realistic understanding of the roots of this holiday, gives me pause. 

Listen in to hear about the true story of the first Thanksgiving, get some tips around being truthful and compassionate, while still honoring tradition, and recognize the evolution of knowledge and truth and how it can help us to become better as humans. Happy Thanksgiving to all who are listening!

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • The first Thanksgiving was a harvest festival, not a banquet that the pilgrims and indigenous people were both invited to, and after which, relationships turned sour.
  • We can be honest and still honor our own family traditions.
  • We can’t have conversations around empathy without acknowledging that one of the country’s most revered holidays is a false picture of history, and has roots in oppression.
  • Shatter facades and replace them with something that is honest, true, and loving, both in your personal life and in your professional life. 

“Please don’t be afraid of how our knowledge evolves, even if it means uncomfortable mindset shifts. That’s how we get better over time as humans.” —  Maria Ross

References: 

Jasmine Bradshaw, First Name Basis podcast, The Untold Story of Thanksgiving (Encore)

The Empathy Edge podcast: Elisa Camahort Page: The Art of Empathy in Politics, Activism, and Media BS

The Empathy Edge podcast: M.E. Hart: How to Have Honest Conversations at Work

The Empathy Edge podcast: Mónica Guzmán: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Divided Political Times

The Empathy Edge podcast: David Weissman: From MAGA to Jewish Liberal Progressive

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria: 

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

As we slide into thanksgiving here in the United States, I’m facing mixed emotions about this holiday as I get older and wiser. Now, don’t get me wrong, I have a lot to be thankful for. I’m grateful to you, dear listener for tuning into this podcast every week. And joining me on the journey of embracing empathy as a competitive advantage and as a new definition of success. But let’s get back for a second to the myth of thanksgiving. From a tradition perspective, gathering with friends and family and reflecting on all we have to be grateful for holds comfort and joy. I get that no matter how dysfunctional our communities or our families may be. Many of us are able to come together at this holiday, eat amazing food, watch the kids play, catch some football, and gracefully sidestep any divisive political debates, which in recent years has taken on a whole new level of Herculean effort. And PS I’ll put some links in the show notes to some of my past great guests, who can help you navigate those tense discussions this holiday season. But having a more realistic understanding of the roots of this holiday gives me pause. It’s a fiction, we’ve been sold as good little American boys and girls that this holiday is about peace and harmony between the pilgrims and the digital in the indigenous communities they invaded, that it symbolizes coexisting with those who are different from us. But this is actually a far cry from the reality of the holiday. Please take a listen to Jasmine Bradshaw’s great podcast on the true history of thanksgiving. She’s the host of the first name basis podcast. She’s amazing. And I’ll place a link in the show notes. This is where I got a lot of this information and she’s done deep research into the event. And she explains it much more articulately than I can and in a very factual and kind way without sparing the truth. 

As a summary, the reality is that when Columbus and other Europeans arrived onto these native lands, they brought the plague and other diseases that nearly wiped out many indigenous populations who are already here. They also dug up the winter food store that the Native community, the Wampanoag flag had buried for safekeeping and declared it a miracle from God that they found the food which they stole from the people who were here first. They also dug up some graves and stole some contents as well. But that’s for another discussion to quantum or Squanto, as we may have learned about growing up was an English speaking go between from the Wampanoag people to the English settlers. But what we’re not taught is that the reason he knows English is because he was one of the many indigenous people kidnapped back to Europe into slavery. Between Columbus’s arrival and the arrival of the Mayflower. He escapes, gets back to his home country, and finds his people practically wiped out from the plague. Which by the way, the Europeans also claimed to be a gift from God, that in wiping out the indigenous population, gave them a place to live and settle. Nice. And then in March of 1621, Massasoit, who is the leader of the Wampanoags, forms an uneasy alliance with the Europeans to protect them from the Narragansetts, who they don’t get along with in exchange for mutual protection. They teach them about seeds, planting and harvesting indigenous crops, which is why we have all the foods at the first thanksgiving that the Europeans didn’t even know about. Turns out this first thanksgiving in air quotes was actually a harvest festival, which is common in many places throughout the world. And the indigenous community found out about it, and decided to investigate. It was not a banquet they were invited to, according to the myth that we’ve learned. After that the relationship sours and eventually, Massasoit son who takes over is killed, no more joyous sharing of pumpkin pie between these two groups. 

Again, this is just a summary the tip of the iceberg but what I loved about Jasmine’s podcast episode and her research is that she also talks about the manufactured myth of thanksgiving and how it was brought to us by the same woman who helps sell Christmas as an American tradition. Sarah Josepha Hale. Now, why do I tell you all this on a podcast about empathy as a competitive advantage? Well, I’m truly not trying to steal your joy about thanksgiving, but to share why it’s important to see things honestly, and from others points of view. If you’re a member of a native community here in the US, thanksgiving might be pretty damn painful for you. Also, it speaks to the way we’ve been indoctrinated into systems and traditions that were born from marginalizing and oppressing others. Even if that’s not our intent. Now, we need to own that. And those systems are very real today in the form of organizational and systemic racism, xenophobia, and bias. We talk a lot on the show about how to better understand and connect with others who are not like us. We talk about it a lot in the work context, but you understand my sneaky mission, which is really to help you live your lives as more empathetic people. And I should say live our lives as more empathetic people because it’s something I’m constantly working on as well. We’re trying to connect and understand with others, who have different experiences, perspectives, opinions and beliefs. And we can’t have those conversations without acknowledging that one of the country’s most revered holidays is a false picture of history, and has roots in oppression. Not to make you feel guilty for sharing a wonderful meal with your loved ones, but rather to help all of us truly embrace gratitude and empathy. 

A holiday dedicated to gratitude is not a bad thing. We need to be more thankful for our blessings in my humble opinion. And in doing so we can also show grace and compassion for those whose ancestors were not just hurt, but victimized by colonizers. We can be honest and still honor our own family traditions. We can speak the truth to our kids about what really happened at the first thanksgiving, not to guilt or shame them, but to ensure we understand how we can do better and reached out to others, as family as colleagues, as humans. Just because it’s not the truth we grew up with doesn’t make it any less true. Please don’t be afraid of how our knowledge evolves, even if it means uncomfortable mindset shifts. That’s how we get better over time as humans. So, shine the light into the dark places, have honest conversations, shatter facades to replace them with something true, honest and loving. This is equally true in our personal lives, as it is within our work relationships. Only then, can we form connections and build communities that can truly celebrate, collaborate, and break bread together. If you’re celebrating with your family or your friends, I wish you a happy Thanksgiving. And I wish you all the love and peace in the world. Until next time, remember that cashflow? Creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care, and be kind.

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Esther Weinberg: How to Grow, Scale, and Thrive Through Change You Never Asked For!

We’ve been through some serious business and culture shifts the last few years. But this is the way things always are. If it’s not COVID, it will surely be something else in the future. Remember, the only constant is change, even if you don’t ask or plan for it. How can you examine, design and measure your organization’s ability  – and your own leadership ability – to build trust so you can more easily adapt to change and bring your people along?

My guest today is Esther Weinberg, Founder and Chief Leadership Development Officer of The Ready Zone. Esther shares six Zone Performance Indicators, of ZPI’s that are paramount to profitable growth. We also had a rich conversation about how emotions, body, and language impact performance in a real way, how emotions are  “signposts” that should not be ignored, and how to look at complaints as commitments – and offer some tough love advice if you’re a leader struggling to get comfortable with dealing with emotions if you want to achieve high performance. We both have some choice words for you at the end of our interview!

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • As your company changes, it may be time to usher people out of the organization (with empathy and dignity) who are no longer a fit for the changes the company has had and hire someone else who may be a better fit for the new place the company is in. 
  • Culture transcends the physical office space. If your culture is not portable, that’s where the effort needs to be.
  • Create a vision narrative (not just a vision tagline). Give the vision a story that people can get behind and want to be a part of creating.
  • If you hear a complaint as a commitment, think about how that changes what you’re hearing and what action you are willing to take. 

“Emotions are signposts about what is important to us. You have to actually ground yourself in them to see whether or not your emotions are telling you the truth and are leading you in the direction of something that’s important to you.” —  Esther Weinberg

About Esther Weinberg, Founder, The Ready Zone

Esther Weinberg is a business growth accelerator that equips executives in high-growth industries to create big pivots, big impact and big returns. As Founder & Chief Leadership Development Officer of The Ready Zone, she powerfully fast-tracks an organization’s progress by focusing on The Ready Zone’s six Zone Performance Indicators (ZPIs), that are paramount to profitable growth. Esther’s innovative strategies have assisted clients to grow, scale and thrive in the worst and best of times including Netflix, NBCUniversal, Microsoft, CNN, Adobe, Disney, and IMAX. Esther is a member of the Forbes Coaches Council and a contributor to Forbes.

Connect with Esther Weinberg:

Website: https://thereadyzone.com/ 

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/estherweinberg/ 

Her Book: Better Leaders. Better People. Better Results. 6 Eye-Opening Strategies to Thrive Through Change You Didn’t Ask For: https://thereadyzone.com/resources/ 

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria: 

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

We’ve been through some serious business and culture shifts the last few years. But this is the way things always are. If it’s not COVID. If it’s not social unrest, it will surely be something else in the future. Remember, the only constant is change, even if you don’t ask or plan for it. How can you examine design and measure your organization’s ability and your own leadership ability to build trust so you can more easily adapt to change and bring your people along? My guest today is Esther Weinberg, founder and chief Leadership Development Officer of the ready zone. She’s the author of better leaders better people better results, six eye opening strategies to thrive through change you didn’t ask for which is a perfect subtitle. We talk about how issues start off as a profit problem, but are actually people problems. How to create cultures where trust, respect and safety are valued and measured as they impact the bottom line, and what questions you should really be asking about how to make hybrid work successful. First, a little bit more about Esther, she’s a business growth accelerator that equips executives in high growth industries to create big pivots big impact and big returns. Esther’s innovative strategies have assisted clients to grow, scale and thrive in the worst and best of times, including Netflix, NBC, Universal, Microsoft, CNN, Adobe, Disney and IMAX. Esther is a member of the Forbes coaches Council and a contributor to Forbes. Today Esther shares six zone performance indicators or ZPI’s that are paramount to profitable growth. We also had a rich conversation about how emotions, body and language impact performance in a real way. How emotions are signposts that should not be ignored, and how to look at complaints as commitments. And we offer some tough love advice if you’re a leader struggling to get comfortable with dealing with emotions. If you want to achieve high performance, we both have some choice words for you at the end of our interview. So take a listen. 

Maria Ross  03:47

Hello, Esther Weinberg and welcome to this episode of the empathy edge to talk about how to grow scale and thrive in the worst and best of times. Welcome.

  Esther Weinberg  03:59

Thanks so much for having me. I love when you say the the best and worst of times. It’s true.

Maria Ross  04:07

Isn’t that how the Tale of Two Cities opens up? I love it. Well, you know, you have such a wealth of experience and knowledge around helping companies in high growth industries to pivot to have big impact and you know, pivot. I think that’s been the word of the last two years. Yeah. So, let’s talk a little bit first about how you got to this work. What is your what’s your origin story? As my friend Elisa Campbell for Paige would say,

  Esther Weinberg  04:36

I was born in a hospital of Brooklyn, New York. Well, you know, it’s, it’s, um, you know, my, my career started off actually in marketing and publicity, I think when it was interesting when I was if we’re really gonna go back I remember I was, I was a student at New York University. I’m a New Yorker, born and raised very proud. Yeah,

Maria Ross  05:00

Hey, girl Queens girl right here.

  Esther Weinberg  05:01

Oh, look at that Brooklyn. So, um, I remember when I when I was at NYU as I was trying to figure out my major and I took a media class and they were talking about how this group of people come in and talk to reporters and, and talk to them that story ideas, and they’re called publicists or public relations professionals. And I thought I have to be one of these people. I just thought it was unbelievable. I was journalism major. And I thought it was fascinating. So, I was always fascinated by the human condition and very highly curious and always very curiously engaged. And I was in marketing and publicity for for quite a while. That was my original background, I worked at a small agency starting off, but then I wound up working for big brands like Fox and Disney. And I remember when I was at a turning point for me, I was an executive, a senior executive at Disney. And we were sitting around one of those very, you know, old world oak. Oh, yeah. And the CFO said, I Oh, yeah, he’s just giving an update. And there was a management consultant in the room. She was really interesting. And she said, he said, Oh, I just want you to know, a third of the workforce have left. And I remember, both myself and the head of sales were floored, and I thought, what do you mean, a third of the workforce have left? Why are we not getting this? Why are we not? I mean

Maria Ross  06:31

It’s like a Colombo moment. Like, by the way.

  Esther Weinberg  06:36

Today, we use a lot of buzzwords around it, why you would say workforce engagement and, and things like that. But it was like people left you kidding, you know. And I think I was just so floored that we weren’t investigating it. And there was this, this feeling that we’re a big brand will always be able to attract people, which is interesting. We are present day with with pretend talent retention.

Maria Ross  07:02

Absolutely. That idea that like, people want to be here. People want to come here. We don’t have to try. 

  Esther Weinberg  07:08

Yeah, yeah. It’s like, you know, we are we are in such a problem. And I just thought, oh, wow, that’s, that’s, I don’t know if that’s helpful. And so, I remember there was, there was a moment in time, though, where I was, we’re shifting gears as a brand. And I was going to be head of all of corporate communications for this suite of services that Disney offered. And I had rich reached the point where I didn’t feel like I really had respect for the person I reported to. But I didn’t know that at the time. And I just had this real turning point. And it was interesting, because I thought I have to have a mentor of mine said, you know, it’s time for you to devise an exit strategy. If you feel disillusioned, then are you going to stay in a job like that I was sick, I was 30, I was a vice president. I was like, you know, you look back, you’re like, I’m young and scrappy. Like, I can’t leave a job. You know, and, and so I designed my exit. And it was interesting, because when I designed my exit, the day that I went in to resign, my boss, also let me go, which was just I guess it was for both of us. So, what I would say from there is I, I started to really inquire as to what was really true for me and what I was really passionate about. And I stumbled on this whole concept around leadership development, talent development, executive coaching. And so I became certified, trained, certified, and executive coaching and started a leadership development business. And it really took me I would say, across the globe, I mean, not only quite done work for big brands, like Netflix and Warner Brothers discovery, State Farm Insurance, National Geographic, CNN. But also I’ve done work in the Middle East, I’ve done work in, in Africa, in Botswana. And I also moved myself to Uganda, Africa, because I, I had reached a point in my life where I really wanted to do children’s rights work and had the opportunity to go in country and to do an organizational assessment for a project that was funded by the US. Well, there were several things one was doing a, an assessment for an organization that was the largest child rights membership-based organization, all of all of Africa. And I was a part of a, a three-person team to Ugandan men and me and they affectionately called me the Masoom goo, which was an affectionate term for a white person. And so we went around Uganda, and we, we did this profound assessment for the organization and we also did an assessment of children’s rights, and then in the state of children’s rights in the country. And then at night, I ran my business, doing organizational change with a have a high growth companies in the United States. And at that time, that was that was an unheard of thing. And so, Dennis,

Maria Ross  10:07

Is that when you start was that the ready zone that you’re running now? 

  Esther Weinberg  10:10

Yeah, well what happened when I came back not to make a long story longer, but I had had this kind of like this aha moment in Uganda, when I was doing this project for the US government around AIDS, malaria, tuberculosis analysis. And I just thought that I needed to come home. And after a while coming back to the United States, I really realized I think I had this turning point in my career where I was, I think, people either whether you’re an entrepreneur or just an executive, you get to we’re just like, what am I doing? What am I doing it for? And where am I going? At the moment, and I really realized that I had dived deep into what my I want my legacy to be, and really saw that was around human dignity. And from there, because it was really an extension of all the work that I had done. And and what I saw was when I looked up and around, like, you know, executives really want to feel ready to powerfully take on all the opportunities and challenges that their feet, they just don’t know how, but the real secret sauce to doing it is creating workplace cultures where trust, respect and psychological safety are not just, you know, talked about, but there are doctors valued, but there is measured as the bottom line, that’s when we created the red zone, because that was like, Okay, how do we get people ready, create a framework and a formula for how people do it practically and pragmatically. So, it’s not just theory that people can go ahead and do it. Because, you know, as you know, that the challenges that people are facing today, or opportunities that people are facing today, they’re real people want answers now, not tomorrow, today. And this meant really. 

Maria Ross  11:48

Absolutely. And so, let’s let’s dive into that. Because what a fascinating journey you’ve taken and I just before we move on, I want to not let it slip by that you talk about human dignity when you’re talking about organizational culture, when you’re talking about leadership development and leadership capability. And I think that’s been the missing piece in so many industrialized organizations, if you will, in that we have forgotten that human beings are working for us, it’s, you know, we sort of threw out this term human resources, as if they were just another asset on our asset list. And there is so much wrapped up in the human experience about how we show up at work, how we’re treated at work, what we’re enabled to achieve at work, that really gets down to this fundamental right of human dignity. And that might sound really lofty to maybe a CEO going I’m just trying to sell software, right. But it fundamentally is what it’s all about.

  Esther Weinberg  12:50

Well, I’ll give you a real practical example. I was talking to two executives last week, and, and we were talking about the fact that their organization has shifted massively, which many organizations today have, and they’ve laid a bunch of people off. And it was the first time that in the organization’s history that they’ve ever laid people off. And this is a multibillion-dollar company, which is amazing. And they were talking about the fact that they’re now trying to figure out what kind of leaders they need to be during these times because they’re reorient, the work is being reoriented. And what’s being asked to them as leaders is different where it was more of, let’s say, an egalitarian or autonomous environment. Well, now it’s, it’s injected with a little bit more of hierarchy, meaning that everybody just can’t make everything, something someone’s going to need to be a bit be the last veto. And so, we were talking about what kind of leader do you need to be? And what is that insight? And what I said to them was, we have to remember a couple of things. If, if the foundation of what you’re trying to create, you’re trying to figure this out for you, and then you’re trying to figure it out for the people who report to you like what kind of environment do we do we want to make and they were all about, they love the concept of of readiness and human dignity? And I said, well, I want to be clear. That doesn’t mean every you’re going to want everybody at the end of the day. And I don’t mean for that to be the way it sounds. But I said, you know, it may be that you may need to usher people out. Yeah, because they’re not in alignment with where you’re growing, which happens, right? You get a job or sign up for a job at a certain point, you’re in a job for a few years, culture changes, the business changes. It’s not a match anymore, happens all the time. Right. But what I said is the distinction is that you usher them out with as much human dignity as you onboard them. And so and they, they were like, I hadn’t even never thought of it that way.

Maria Ross  14:52

Absolutely. And I’ve talked about this in in my empathy work is that sometimes empathy is not just about doing what everybody wants, it’s about doing the right thing. But the way that you do it is with empathy. And, and in cases where someone’s not in the right job, right, nobody wants to come to work and fail every day. And so it’s actually the empathetic thing to do to sit down with that person and try to figure out what could help them succeed, what is going on with them. And if they’re still not a fit for the organization, it’s actually empathetic to help them let go and help them find an opportunity where their talents and their values can thrive.

  Esther Weinberg  15:32

Absolutely. Look, I remember I look, I remember in my career that, you know, everybody always remembers their first, you know, the first time you ever had to let someone go. And I remember when I had to let first person, one woman go. And I remember, like, HR was in the room with me. And, and I was trying to cobble together the words, and it just was a mess, because I really liked her so much.

Maria Ross  15:55

And legally, there’s only so much you can say as well, like there’s that added layer of complexity.

16:01

And so and then we’re, you know, I said, I’ll walk you out. And so, we’re both in the elevator going downstairs, and there’s a security guard with us, which of course, felt very intimate. And then we get to the street, a big hug. And she’s like, look, I gotta tell you, I don’t think this was a fetch for a while. And I just think my skill sets in another place. And I, I hate that this had to happen. But I actually feel pretty liberated. And I was like, oh my God, this is.

Maria Ross  16:28

Your like, thank you.

  Esther Weinberg  16:29

Glad to work. But yeah, I would say to you that it’s it. You know, when people hear the phrase human dignity, I really think that they get very lost in it, because it sounds very lofty, but it really comes down to what you’re speaking to also is, how do we create, it comes down to how do we create the best workplaces where people can do their best work. So, it’s like I was talking to a an executive, senior executive, a media company the other day, and she was saying this a few weeks ago, she was saying that they’re there, there have a hybrid work environment. And they’re really trying to figure out how they get people back into the office at least two days of the week. And I said, well, what what’s coming out of those conversations is on at the senior executive table. And she’s like, well, we keep going round around and you don’t really have an answer. And I said, well, maybe you need to change the question, because the question is not how do we get people into an office? The question is, what kind of environment we created, that people want to actually come. And they feel like they want to come in droves. Rather than feeling like it’s a prison, you know, I’m going to write you into these four walls, right? Because what we what in what she and I started talking about is that if your culture is not portable, then that’s really where the effort needs to be, is that culture needs to train. And we’ve seen this since COVID, is that culture transcends the physical office space.  And so, a hundred percent, this is a thing. It’s like these companies that have fallen back, I’ve had a few episodes where we’ve talked about this, I spoke to Rebecca freeze about the good culture book that she wrote. And she talked about the fact that culture is how work gets done. And that is not limited to four walls and a foosball table and free beer on Fridays. Like, if that was the culture, the perks that you were hiding behind pre COVID to help yourself think that you had a good culture. Now it’s being laid bare, that your culture actually had some gaps. Also, everything means anything means everything. So, you tell people that we’re not wearing the summer Fridays, you tell people, we’re not going to do meetings after five o’clock. And then the moment, especially in this environment, you actually flip to the opposite side, you scheduled meetings, you while you have off, you have summer Fridays, you’re really scheduling meetings during the summer Fridays, what happens is that trust becomes eroded so quickly. It’s so much harder to get it back. And I and I remember I, I read a data survey. I mean, a survey that was saying recently that if employees trust their employers’ commitments, their engagement level can increase up to 20%. Now, maybe that doesn’t sound so high, but the likelihood that they’ll leave their organization increases by 87%. If they trust you. 

Maria Ross  19:24

Hmm, absolutely. So, let’s, let’s dive into that. Because, you know, you have talked about issues starting off as a prophet problem when it’s really a people problem. Yeah. So how do peep? I think there’s a lot of leaders that are like, yes, we need to create that organizational culture where trust and respect and safety are valued and are measured as the bottom line. But how do we do that? Like practically, can you give us some examples of what that looks like to maybe give listeners a place to start if their culture is you know, or to look at and say, well, we are doing this right.

  Esther Weinberg  19:59

Yeah, so so we, we created the ready zone. We created this diagnostic formula that we affectionately call zone performance indicators, there are KPIs that you can actually see whether or not this is happening. And we actually call them, I’ll give you some examples within it, but we call it. So, there’s six of them. So, there’s pivot ready, which is all around that level of shift ability that you have. I know that pivot has been an overused term, but I think it gets a bad rap. Because it’s really about what are you baking into the culture that you can shift all the time, action ready is around you’ll love this is around your level of emotional agility. It’s around what kind of living legacy. Are you breathing into the organization for yourself and your team and the company all the time, the boundaries, you set, also how you, the observer that you are, and how you see the world influence, radius around visibility and influence, connect, ready is around communication, impact, readies around building teams, and culture ready is all around how you create an environment where coaching and mentoring is just what people do. It’s just a way that they walk around in the world. So, I’ll give you an example of what I’m what I’m talking about. So there was a, there was a founder group, there’s a company very successful company. And they were looking to grow and scale more dramatically. But what was happening originally at the base, is they were saying the founders actually founded the organization. There’s some dysfunction within that within that group. So when we looked at the model of the ready zone model, we’re looking at the basic place we’re starting is we’re talking about impact reading, where this this how can you grow and scale an organization if the founders are not doing the work they need to do. But then we also saw as action readies around around the observer that you are and how you look out into the world? And what what do you see? And how does that dictate what you choose to do or not do? So what we did was we did an assessment of the founder group. And we brought them together and actually re united them to the basis and the essence for where they actually created their company, which was at the time around 14 or 15 years old, and they had created this company years ago. And then what they realized is that, okay, you know, we don’t have we’ve been insanely successful. But we do not have a vision, narrative and articulated sense of what the future we want to create. And also, while we’ve been insanely successful, we also don’t have really these bold steps articulated that we want to create that we can rally the whole organization around. So what we did was we created what we call a vision narrative different than a vision, because vision is, you know, people tagline like Nike just do it. But this is like three paragraphs that really paints a picture of a future state of where they wanted to go and grow. And people are semi socialized in the organization. And then we did a and then we got a group of people together from all across the globe. They’ve never done this before. And we talked about the vision. And now given that, what do they want to create? What are they up to, and people are so excited to be able to put a stamp on what they wanted the future of the business to look like because they are so passionate about the business. You don’t know, you don’t always find that people are so passionate about what they do.

Maria Ross  23:35

They know they know where they’re going now. And this is where you know, our work intersects because as a brand strategist, to your point, a vision is not a tagline. A vision is a narrative. It’s the articulation of the future state that you’re actually working towards. And sometimes I even challenge my brand clients to come up with a vision that would actually put them out of business, that if this, if this future state was achieved, you wouldn’t need our organization anymore. And that is that is a that is longer than a sentence that is longer than a word. That is something where I need to know where I’m going. But you also you know, it’s not just, I’m going to Hawaii. Paint me a Picture about what that looks like when I get there.

  Esther Weinberg  24:19

Well, and you’re right, that it became so inspiring that then an organization that didn’t necessarily have strategy, the way that perhaps we would define it then created these big bold steps for themselves, right and started creating the level of execution that we involve people throughout the organization that had never been involved in any kind of execution strategy. Like yeah, it’s like, it’s, you know, oftentimes people don’t have the patience to do development, but I really believe in development through the work. Yeah. And so then we were putting people super passionate about certain segments in charge of it until must be the captains of the chips. And then they’re able to organize to actually start delivering. And as a result, the organization was able to start growing and scaling and their profitability dramatically increase as a result of those steps that they’ve made. 

Maria Ross  25:17

There’s, there’s this idea of trying to put together a strategy before you actually have a vision. And if you don’t have a vision of where you’re going, where the ultimate destination is, you can’t figure out how will we get there, which is the strategy.

  Esther Weinberg  25:33

Well, I think that it’s a couple of things. One is that I’ve seen this a lot, especially in organizations that have merged organizations. I can’t tell you how many words in show I’m working with that either have reorganized the companies reorganize the teams, and there and there are people inside the organization waiting, literally waiting for a vision to emerge. And so, a lot of work that we’re doing is just small pockets, like this division, create your own this division, create your own division, create your own. Now, it’s not an ideal situation. But here’s the thing, also, that when you’re creating transformation inside of organizations, sometimes it’s very difficult to actually create a picture of a future that you don’t yet know what it fully looks like. But what I find that, especially during times of change, people want to have road under their feet. So, what I tell people is, you know, what we talk often about is what can you control, and then what you can you create based around that. So, give you an example, like there’s a division a CFO, a corporate social responsibility, division one, and one of the organizations we’re working with, and their company just merge. And the leader was saying, I can’t I if I see people all around me that are waiting for the organization to say, or to bring in like a McKinsey or an Accenture to start doing the work that tell us where we’re going and where we’re headed. So that we know how to organize our strategy. She’s like, I can’t wait, we have business to run, we have things to do. And so, she’s like, you know, so we’re talking about, okay, create your own right now for whatever you know. So, this way, at least, that you can set strategy based on a context that you’ve created the context. And then you see within the organization about getting buy in for it. Now I know it’s not ideal. But when you’re running a business moment to moment, you need a agile way to do this, in order for you to feel like you can rally yourself behind something, and then you can rally your people around it. So for example, this executive that I’m talking about, now, her team has a purpose now, do they not get a little wobbly at certain times, because they say, Well, wait a second, here’s what we’re doing feeding into the hole. But if they waited, they would, there’ll be nothing. And most, most likely, what would happen is the business would look at them and say, you know what, I don’t even know what these people are doing, we should let them go, which is not now as a result of the fact that they’ve self-generated. Now they’re becoming a model for other divisions inside of the organization of how to be more nimble.

Maria Ross  28:16

I love that so much. I mean, that’s why I talk about that a lot in terms of, you know, from the aspect of empathy, you know, people just sort of giving up going, you know, well, our culture will never be empathetic, our CEO will never, you know, mandate and measure empathy. But you can create micro cultures, within your team within your department, within your part of the organization to do exactly what you just said, which is become a model, because as they succeed, doing what they’re doing, people will start to take notice, and they’re gonna go, I want to do that for myself. And then all of a sudden, you start getting people on board with understanding the value of a vision linked to strategy. So, I love that example. I want to get back to the original question that we kind of talked about, which is how we create organizational cultures where trust, respect and safety are valued. And you talked about a really important piece of that, which is helping people understand where they’re going and sticking to your word, as a weight of building trust. But what I guess my question is, what with your clients? How do you help them measure trust, respect and safety, psychological safety?

  Esther Weinberg  29:26

Well, what we do is, first of all, for the ready, so we have an assessment that we do give people so this way they can see because the zones are made up of the environments, because you have to remember, trust, respect and psychological safety are a they’re a, what would I say? They’re a fabric of many, many things. Yeah, right. So, so there, its interpersonal relationships, constructive and respectful debate and dialogue. I mean, that’s very small, right? Minute examples.

Maria Ross  29:59

Feeling like you can contribute an idea feeling like you can take a risk. Like your what you’re saying is there’s a lot of threads nodded into those concepts.

  Esther Weinberg  30:08

That’s right, because it can feel it can seem very amorphous. That’s why originally, when we created these zones, I’ll give you an example in a second. But when we created these zones, it was for people to contextualize the elements through which create that. So for example, if I’m working, if I have, if I’m being measured against certain aspects of how I morph and change and anticipate change, that creates, that creates psychological safety for the people that that I work with, or that report to me, if I actually am emotionally resilient. So, it’s not, you know, the the boss that walks in the office, small example, how I am emotionally one day, and then I’m radically different another that also creates a sense of balance and stability. For me, when we’re going through all these erratic changes, if I’m able to build if how i index, you know, influence is the leadership currency, if I’m able to influence by actually stepping out and being visible, and being able to find my own voice and to speak up and to articulate things that are really important. And to build relationships based on giving rather than taking, that also creates a sense of stability and trust, if I’m able to communicate, have difficult conversations, not avoid them, not sidestep them, not kind of have a tough conversation, but really do how I’m actually able to be my word, how I’m building, how I have a way to actually measure how I’m building effective, impactful teams and taking care of my people, and how I’m baking into the fabric of what I’m doing coaching and mentoring. So we’re always taking care of each other, then that is the that’s the that’s foundation. So let me give you a few examples.

Maria Ross  31:57

For you do before you do I want to I want to pick that apart a little bit more. Because again, how do you measure those things? You can’t just ask a leader? Do you adapt well to change? Yes or no? Like? So how do you measure that for people? How do you measure those aspects that you just talked about? Is it a before and after? And is the after, after leadership development in areas where they need improvement?

  Esther Weinberg  32:22

I would say that it’s it’s several things. So, development can always be a part of it. Meaning that well, when when I hear that you say development, I’m not necessarily talking about an external force, or you need HR to come in and do a series of trainings. One of the one of the things you can measure as an example, is typically we talk about leadership, we talk about actions and results, right? That’s what you and I are talking about, right? You take actions that lead to certain results. We don’t like the results, we change the actions. But what we never deal with not never, but when we we sidestep dealing with it as the observer, the observer looks out into the world, I look out in the world, and I take actions that lead to certain results. But we don’t take and it’s like the definition of insanity is if we’re just dealing with the actions or results, we don’t deal with the person. So that is one signpost so let me give you an example within that. So, we teach people to create resiliency by what I call pivot moments. What I mean by that, as you know, specialisms COVID, we can’t control change, but we can control is our intentions and our actions, you know, think about it. Anyone can change for like a moment. And you can actually measure that incrementally. Are you seeing something differently in this moment or not? Are you taking different action steps or not? Right? You can do that for 30 seconds a minute. If I asked you for a long time you tell me I’ve lost my mind. But what but pivot moments that we call is it builds up resilience and gives you evidence or proof that I can, you can we all can actually change and have the strength to continue. So, pivot moments are made up of looking at what your current reality is, that comes about how you feel about the change or your emotions, how you experience it, or the actions or inactions you’re taking, which could support the changes or not. And if you are honest with yourself, you could see if your output is a match to your intention. So, for example, I had a client named Aisha who is only gotten increasingly frustrated with her boss Jamila, who’s the president of content at one of the companies in California, and she’s really frustrated that junella cannot make decisions, she vacillates or she’ll make a decision and go back on it and she can’t handle conflict. Now Aisha is seen as the number two executive in the department on the team. So, what is I should do is any type a person would do she steps in starts with making decisions where she shouldn’t be, or she looks to push more strategic decisions out of just sheer frustration. And she’s the situations really escalated. But her intention is she said to me, look, I want to be able to measure my level of how effective I am with my boss, I want to be able to manage up with greater ease. I want to be a collaborator, I want to step away when I’m frustrated, instead of leaning and solve everything. So, when we start to work through this formula for current reality, and we talked about motions, this would resonate with you quite a bit. She’s like, look, I’m angry, I’m frustrated, I’m disappointed. But she really was was heartbroken, which I’ll get to in a second in her about her bosses, she doesn’t know how to manage your lead, her lack of decision making is going to get her into trouble. She isn’t strategic, she leads with her ego. But when we talked about the actions, actual proof actions she’s taking to support her intention to managing up with greater ease. And being a collaborator. She’s like, look, she started laughing. Like, look, I’m stepping into make decisions where it’s not appropriate, when it was time to do a reorganization plan with her peer who also can make decisions if you stepped in to settle the strategy. So, she wasn’t sharing with her boss, her frustration, and what they can do together to change things. And she was thinking about leaving, which would have been a massive, massive financial hit to the organization. So, when she looked at this live, she paused to get real with herself to see what’s feasible. That’s what I call possibility, she could see something for what it is not what she preferred. So, what she got clear is then she could put herself in the driver’s seat of choice or what I call opportunity to see practically and pragmatically what she needs to stop and start doing to create a new outcome. So as a result of that, then she was able to have a conversation with her boss set strategy differently, and then emerge more critically, as a leader of the division and then longer term, actually, her colleague welled up getting let go, because he couldn’t make decisions. 

Maria Ross  37:08

Right. And what I love about what you’re saying, is the reason why we have to bring emotions into our work, we have to stop this idea of being emotionless as leaders and emotionless at work because we are human beings. And it impacts the way we observe things, it impacts the actions we take, as leaders. And so I love that part of your work is helping your clients understand and recognize the emotions they are feeling as part of the process where you might have a leader going, it doesn’t matter how I feel this is what’s actually happening. But we don’t function that way. As human beings, we bring our emotions to our work if the pandemic has taught us anything, if, you know, social unrest has taught us anything is we cannot park our humanity at the office door. And then just be automatons as we lead or as we work. And so helping people understand the practical reason why you have to have emotional intelligence as a leader, because it helps you make better decisions. It helps you understand your actions and helps you understand cause and effect. So I’m just loving this example that you’re giving because a different coach, or you know, possibly might say, well, it’s all about just the inputs and outputs of the structure of the organization and how decisions are made. And the answer is that your boss needs to be fired because they can’t make decisions. Well, it’s very cold. It’s very just like that’s not how we interact as humans.

  Esther Weinberg  38:44

Well, I’d say a couple of things that one is you have to remember that emotions are signposts about what’s important to

Maria Ross  38:50

Yes. 

  Esther Weinberg  38:51

Second thing is that I find, for example, there was a program that we were leading inside of a company, and we had 22 people on and they were saying retired people of our people in this company complaining, which was funny, because one could say that they were complaining, but they were saying we’re tired.

Maria Ross  39:10

We’re planning we’re complaining about other people complaining.

  Esther Weinberg  39:13

What if you saw a complaint is not a complaint, but what someone is really committed to. If you heard it as a commitment, then how would it shift your actions of what you’re willing, of how you’re willing to see the situation and the assumptions that you’re making? That really may not be valid anymore? So, I think that you know, it’s an interesting thing, because there’s so much body of work now what you’re talking about regarding emotions, but it’s really a it’s, they’re not soft skills anymore. 

Maria Ross  39:51

I wish that that phrase would just be burned in effigy, but hundred percent with you.

  Esther Weinberg  39:56

You’re actually you know, you know, this organ if you really boil look down organizations invest, if you really boil it down the the money to train and develop people, it all comes down to the soft, these inherent soft skills that people are talking about that are very, very concrete. And so, people be fired over some of the things that you and I are talking about, if not done right anymore these days. So, it’s it’s critically, it’s critically important. But I think it’s important for people to know that your emotions are signposts, but they’re not actually your emotions don’t, it’s not that they are true or not. You have to actually ground them in to see whether or not your emotions are telling you the truth, or they’re leading you in a direction of something that’s important to you. So, it’s important that you’re able to develop the facility to be able to step back to be able to do that, because then you can leave much more impactful.

Maria Ross  41:01

Amen. I mean, that’s really where it comes down to. And, you know, you really answered my question I was going to ask you, which is how our emotions, our body and our language impact our performance in a real and substantive way. Because they are signposts, they are, you know, when you when you’re emotionally intelligent enough and emotionally capable enough to look, you know, and I work on this every day. I’m not saying this is like a guru on high that has mastered this in my life. But someone I’m always struck something I’m always striving to do is to is to look at my emotions and say, well, what is that telling me about the situation? You know, you brought up the issue before about frustrated, it’s not just about frustration, it’s about someone feeling heartbroken, or, or someone feeling like trust has been broken. And I’m dealing with a situation with an organization that I’m involved with, where that’s exactly why I’m having those emotions of resentment and anger and frustration, it’s because I feel like they let me down. And I am heartbroken at my my trust and stability in them being broken.

  Esther Weinberg  42:05

That’s it’s a, what you’re talking about is so powerful. Because when you can distinguish as an example of the executive that I mentioned before, we she was showing up and and really battling, how, how does she navigate a situation that’s untenable with a strategy that’s in the wrong direction, where there is where there’s a lack of cohesiveness, there’s a lack of messaging, there’s, there’s a lack of alignment, I can go on and on and on. But what we really got to do is that she took this job, because of who this person was to her, because she thought she would be a mentor, that she’d be a teacher that she’d be a guide. So she was heartbroken.

Maria Ross  42:54

Yeah, it feels she feels let down. 

  Esther Weinberg  42:54

Yes, but at the end of the day, it’s interesting, because she learned a lot, not the way that she thought. And so and so it’s a lot different to say you’re frustrated than say you’re heartbroken, which is, I think the essence of what you’re talking about. And that leads to like what Dr. Susan David talks about emotional granularity, which is if we can get people to really talk about it, then we can really address the real issues. And we can move people faster through performance that way.

Maria Ross  43:27

So, I this is a question I wasn’t expecting to ask you. But given this juicy conversation, how do we how do we help leaders talk through emotion in a more constructive way, especially those leaders that shy away from talking about emotion in the context of creating strategies in the context of doing what needs to be done? Do you have any sort of gems of advice around how you get more comfortable as a leaderz, managing and dealing with emotions, both your own and potentially the emotions of the people on your team?

  Esther Weinberg  44:06

Well, I would say that it’s it’s, it’s not as you’re a sum game. So, there’s not like a pill for the ill. But I would say that is a few things. One is that for executives that are very driven by return on investment, if they are able to get to the bottom line to the to the cause and not the effect, then they’re actually able to get to performance a lot faster. So, if you’re able to get really smart about the questions you ask, then you’re actually able to get to the performance and the output a lot faster. So, there’s a gentleman named Coolio Alala, who talks a lot about the fact that it’s about the question, it’s not about the answer. And so, one is to is to have leaders orient themselves around their level of curiosity and questioning. As a method to get your performance to get to the level of performance that they truly want. The second thing is to also understand part of it too, like I’ve had people say to me during the pandemic, I’m not a therapist, you’re asking me to be a therapist, I got no want to come in and hear people’s emotions. And, you know, I always say to them, Take five minutes, and just do it. Because at the end of the day, that’s what’s going to engage people, not anything else. So, it’s also helping leaders measure the ROI. If they’re actually putting in, let’s say, touch points of the beginning of their meetings, what’s something we want to celebrate, getting people to talk about how they’re feeling as a result of certain changes, and then absolutely, taking a look at their performance visa vie the quarter before where they didn’t do any of it. That’s a way to also have proof in it. But it’s, it’s really, I would say, you have to connect it with your value system. I’ve had leaders were talking about emotions. And so, off the table, I can’t even tell you. But when you connect it, for example, like someone who’s I said to an executive, once I said you have interest in people and she started laughing, she’s like, that’s not true. And I said, it is true. We did some assessments. And I’m like, you’re all about ROI. I said, so if you’re all about ROI, then your conversations all a better return on investment, you invest 10 minutes in talking to this person about what their experience is how they were thinking about this project, about the about this issue, how they were setting strategy, what they felt about it in the meantime, and how they oriented themselves to it, I guarantee you that that will give you a greater output. And she did, but she you had to tie it in for her around the fact that she’s all about return on investment, not giving for the sake of giving. I know sounds horrible. But

Maria Ross  46:55

No, I just I love the way you’ve articulated this, because this is exactly what I struggled with. articulating that it it is it is your job. As a leader, your job as a leader is not to do the same things that you did as a worker, you are now leading people, there’s a there’s a different skill set involved. And yes, it involves being interested in your people. So, you can empower them, and engage them and help them do their best work. That is your job as a leader. It’s not, you know, whatever the function is that you’re leading. And so, it’s it’s I often joke about like, it’s why you’re getting paid more. That’s why you have a title now that’s, that’s bigger, it’s because it is expected of you. So, I love the way that you articulated that. And again, helping people deal with that emotion by tying it back to performance by tying it back to that is your ultimate goal is to help your team perform. And if that is your ultimate goal and your value, then we are going to have to deal with with the messiness of humanity. Esther, this has been such a great conversation, I want to talk to you longer, but I know I have to let you go. So just quickly for folks on the go, we’re gonna have all your links in the show notes, and especially the link to your book, better leaders, better people better results, six eye opening strategies to thrive through change you didn’t ask for which is a fabulous subtitle. We’re gonna have a link to that as well for folks. But for folks on the go, where’s the best place that they can find out more about you and your work? 

  Esther Weinberg  48:30

It’s really super simple. Just go to our website, the ready R E A D Y zone Z O N E.com.

Maria Ross  48:39

Wonderful and it’s a great it’s a great website, great resources there. Thank you again for your time, Esther and for for helping helping us figure out how to be leaders that can adapt to any change it like we talked about and the best of times and the worst of times.

  Esther Weinberg  48:55

Thank you so much, Marie, I really appreciate you.

Maria Ross  48:57

And thank you for listening to another great episode of the empathy edge dear listener. If you like what you heard, of course, as always, please share it with a colleague or a friend. Don’t forget to rate and review on the podcast player of your choice. And until next time, always remember that cash flow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Andrea Nakayama: How The Empathy Trap Impacts Healthcare – and Leadership

If you’ve ever experienced the healthcare system due to a medical emergency or a chronic illness, then you know the system is often set up to deliver cookie cutter outputs based on inputs. There is little room for “true empathy” even though many healthcare professionals want to help people. In healthcare – and in our workplaces and organizations – we tend to get empathy wrong! Empathy is not about being nice, quickly easing someone’s pain or solving their problem. Empathy is about being with someone, deeply listening, and adapting based on their history, context and point of view. That’s how you find root causes and effectively and collaboratively solve problems for the long term – rather than band-aiding challenges for the short term.

It was a joy today to speak to functional nutritionist, Andrea Nakayama. We discuss how a personal tragedy when she was just 7 weeks pregnant led her to the work of empowering health practitioners to rethink nutrition, systems and care protocols. Andrea shares what the Empathy Trap is and why so many of us fall into it, leading to negative results.  Tune in if you say you’re empathetic but constantly feel anxious and overwhelmed! We discuss how to balance empathy with personal boundaries through her ART framework for patient care – which is a powerful tool for any leader in any industry. Andrea also shared her perspective on the health conversations coming out of the pandemic around mental health and wellness. I had such an epiphany  in this interview about HOW we can show empathy without losing ourselves – and how to problem solve with empathy – take a listen!

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

 Key Takeaways:

  • In functional nutrition and functional medicine, it is about creating a therapeutic partnership, looking for root causes, and taking a systems based approach.
  • Doctors do not get a lot of nutrition training in medical school. They can’t know what they don’t know and, a lot of the time, they are not willing to make recommendations they cannot follow up on or know how to follow up on.
  • In health care, the training is about the x for the y. We need to broaden our perspective of what healthcare is, how people have access, and understand that the solution is multidimensional.

“Oftentimes, we overlap the problem and the solution, we spend five minutes on the problem and 45 minutes on the solution. And we actually have to flip that: When we spend more time in the assessment, we better understand our road to a sustainable solution.” —  Andrea Nakayama

About Andrea Nakayama, Functional Nutritionist

As the host of the 15-Minute Matrix Podcast and the founder of Functional Nutrition Alliance, Andrea is leading thousands of students and practitioners around the globe in a revolution to offer better solutions to the growing chronic illness epidemic. By highlighting the importance of systems biology, root cause methodology, and therapeutic partnerships, she helps historically underserved individuals reclaim ownership of their health.

References Mentioned:

Rhonda Manns, The Empathy Edge podcast, Design Thinking in Healthcare – and Beyond

Connect with Andrea Nakayama:

Website: https://andreanakayama.com

FX Nutrition: https://www.fxnutrition.com/about-andrea/

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/andreanakayama/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/AndreaNakayama.page

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/andreanakayama/

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

If you’ve ever experienced the healthcare system due to a medical emergency or a chronic illness, then you know, the system is often set up to deliver cookie cutter outputs based on inputs. There’s little room for true empathy. Even though many health care professionals truly want to help people in health care and in our workplaces and organizations, we tend to get empathy wrong. Empathy is not about being nice or quickly easing someone’s pain or solving their problem. Empathy is about being with someone deeply listening and adapting based on their history, context and point of view. That’s how you find root causes and effectively and collaboratively solve problems for the long term. Rather than band aiding challenges for the short term. It was a joy to speak to functional nutritionist Andrea Nakayama as the host of the 15-minute matrix podcast, and the founder of functional nutrition alliance. Andrea is leading 1000s of students and practitioners around the globe in a revolution to offer better solutions to the growing chronic illness epidemic. By highlighting the importance of systems biology, root cause methodology and therapeutic partnerships, she helps historically underserved individuals reclaim ownership of their health. We discuss how a personal tragedy when she was just seven weeks pregnant led her to the work of empowering health practitioners to rethink nutrition systems and care protocols. Andrea shares what the empathy trap is, and why so many of us fall into it, leading to negative results. Tune in if you say you’re empathetic, but constantly feel anxious and overwhelmed. We discuss how to balance empathy with personal boundaries, through her art (A R T) framework for patient care, which is a powerful tool for any leader in any industry. Andrea also shared her perspective on the health conversations coming out of the pandemic around mental health and wellness. I had such an epiphany in this interview about how we can show empathy without losing ourselves and how to problem solve with empathy. Take a listen.

Maria Ross  03:31

Big welcome Andrea Nakayama, welcome to the empathy edge podcast to talk about.

 Andrea Nakayama  03:36

Thank you, Maria. 

Maria Ross  03:37

To talk about medicine and nutrition and the empathy trap and so many exciting things that I think are gonna be really useful for people, not only from a work perspective, but for their personal lives. So, I’m really excited to have this conversation.

 Andrea Nakayama  03:52

Yeah, thank you so much for having me. I think I was telling you, I’ve been a fan. So, I’m here to talk about empathy.

Maria Ross  03:59

I love it. I love it. Okay, so tell us a little bit about your story. You’re the founder of functional nutrition Alliance. You work with 1000s of students and practitioners around the globe. Tell us a little bit about your story and the work that you do what like what is functional nutrition? And also, what led you to this work?

 Andrea Nakayama  04:19

Yeah, so I guess I’ll start with the latter question. First, because I worked in a completely different career. I worked in book publishing for 15 years until my husband Isamu was diagnosed with a glioblastoma multiforme a that’s a very aggressive stage for brain tumor. And he was diagnosed when I was just seven weeks pregnant with our only child. So, we hadn’t even announced to anybody that we were pregnant yet. And we were first then letting them know that we had a brain tumor. So, what we experienced during that time, well was really phenomenal care at UCSF, we were in San Francisco at the time. And UCSF has one of the best brain tumor centers. So, we got phenomenal care. But it was a really big wake up in our early 30s, to world of real live medicine, you know, not just going for a flu or a cold or a broken arm, but really being entrenched in the system. And there were a number of wake ups for me during that period, which included watching my husband, my beloved treated like his diagnosis alone, instead of with the empathy and understanding that he was a young man who was about to be a father, and was a husband, and a brother, and a son, and a friend, and a software developer, and all of the things and a musician, all of the things he was, we’re not really included in the care of him. To the extent that I saw people coming in, you know, in turns, looking at only the stitches on his head from his craniotomy, rather than speaking to him. So that was a big wake up for me. Our son who was given about six months to live, so not expected to see our son born. And he lived almost two and a half years. So yeah, we were able to extend his life through a lot of the things that I think of as my kind of boot camp in nutrition, I was looking into what can we influence in a situation where we still need to hand ourselves over to medical intervention to surgeries, and radiation and chemotherapy, and all of the above. And so that was like boot camp for me in terms of, there are other ways to support health care, that are not being delivered to us that are not being recommended. And that or not, nobody’s actually diving into it. So, we saw lives two and a half years, he passed away when our son was 19 months old. And I then continued to pursue this passion for nutrition. And there were other events, friends that encountered health challenges that made me realize this was my calling. And I put myself back through school, and I found my way through lots of nutrition study to the practice of functional medicine. And functional nutrition to answer your original question is in keeping with the practices of functional medicine, and three of the primary tenants of a functional practice, that I like to anchor on, are that we are creating a therapeutic partnership that we’re looking for the root causes, not one root cause but root causes, and that we’re taking a systems-based approach. And that systems-based approach for me is based on systems biology, meaning the gut and the brain are connected, the hormones and the liver are connected, but also systems thinking, how do we apply mental models to complex chronic cases, so that we can still bring empathy and care no matter what somebody is facing. So there’s the long journey and the quick, the quick, like summation of what is a functional practice.

Maria Ross  08:41

Wow. And, you know, you and I were talking about, you know, experiences I love the way you said it, my first experience in the system of health care, without just going to my like, my yearly physical. And that was kind of it for me with my brain aneurysm was I used to just go to the doctor, once a year, I had the easiest health care history that took like 20 seconds to give people. Now it’s done done that, you know, it’s like a litany of stuff now, ever since I had my brain aneurysm and multiple surgeries. But yeah, it’s that first experience in this system that you completely don’t understand. And, you know, I was fortunate enough that at least my experience was a fairly good one, except for a few mishaps and I wrote about it in my book rebooting my brain, but the idea of patient and family centered care, which seems sort of ridiculous that it’s a new thing. But, you know, putting the patient and the family at the center of the care experience and a big part of that, as we’ve talked about, is to operationalize empathy. Meaning, you don’t just rely on hiring really nice people. It’s what are we doing with our systems? What are we doing with our policies with our training with our communication? Are we thinking about the patient journey? Are we thinking about the patient’s feelings? And are we measured and rewarded based on that? So, you know, that’s how even the largest, most bureaucratic organizations like the hospital where I had my care, which was University of Washington Medical Center, they’re able to do that. And that was, like I mentioned to you my first sort of seed of like empathy applied to business and applied to larger organizations. And, you know, your experience, my experience created something positive for me, sounds like your experience, in the end created something very positive for you, because you’re impacting 1000s of people all over the world to basically ensure they don’t get treated the way you and your husband got treated when he was having his care. 

 Andrea Nakayama  10:34

Yeah, and again, like he was treated in some ways, really, really well, I think that we are part of our medical system is an x for y system, this is what’s going on, this is what we do about it. And that works about 80% of the time, but there are 20% of the population, there is 20%, for whom there needs to be more, I would say that 80% also needs more. And as we saw through the pandemic, and as we age, that 80% becomes the 20%. So it’s a constantly growing population that needs more than we are able to deliver in the system of care. And one of the things I wanted to reflect Maria is you talk about patient centered care. And I have a lot of nurses that come through my training, that are kind of fed up with the system because they went in wanting patient centered care, and aren’t able to deliver it. And the fun for me in training, you know, hundreds of nurses, registered nurses and nurse practitioners that are looking for a revitalization of their career is that they are still stuck in the X for the why they don’t want to be in the X for the Y. And by that I mean, you have Ms. You have Hashimotos here’s what we do you have lupus, here’s what we do you have cancer, here’s what we do. But that is what they’ve been trained into. And I have to disentangle that to get them back to what they actually want, but have no training in. And so

Maria Ross  12:18

Exactly.

 Andrea Nakayama  12:19

We just don’t teach our providers to be in not just the care, empathy, but the clinical empathy.

Maria Ross  12:28

Absolutely. And I think another piece of that is the expectations of patients, as well, because it should be you know, we live in a society of instant gratification. And instant I can Google an answer, right? Yeah. And so when a medical emergency arises, it’s will immediately tell me the cause and tell me the prescription? Yes. And so I think a lot of that is also pressure on, you know, just our society, in our culture, not being willing to have that patients and in some cases, you know, to be fair, not being able to have the resources to be patient with that, what might be a longer journey and a more in depth journey to figure out what is going on for people. So it’s almost like every side loses in that equation.

 Andrea Nakayama  13:12

Yes, yes. And one of the things I try to really help the providers that I’m training understand is this isn’t about playing Doctor, this is about serving the doctor, because our patients do expect more from our doctors than they’re actually trained to do. We’re asking them to do things that are out of scope. So I’ll talk to patients who are like my doctor says my diet has nothing to do with x. And I’m like, they get 17 hours of nutrition training in there nearly 70,000 hours of training, we can’t expect them to know what they don’t know. And in times, they’re not going to make recommendations that they don’t know how to follow up on and Bravo. Like, let’s have empathy for the perspective they’re coming from. For me, the work that we do as functional nutrition counselors is a yes. And there’s gaps in our healthcare system. And we need to fill those gaps.

Maria Ross  14:11

Is your field of functional nutrition different than just basic nutritionist?

 Andrea Nakayama  14:16

Thousand percent.

Maria Ross  14:17

And what is that difference?

 Andrea Nakayama  14:19

We are looking so I have a lot of systems that help us to understand what are we doing so it is in keeping with the therapeutic partnerships. So that’s empathy, education, empowerment of the patient to be a better advocate for themselves. It’s understanding the root causes. So, we’re not just asking what do I do that x for y, we’re asking why is this happening? So, if you have an autoimmune condition, what are the roots of autoimmunity that we should be looking at so that we work in the soil, not just in the x for y and I can talk more about that. And then I have a functional nutrition matrix that helps us understand what I call the story, the soup and the skill, the patient’s story is their antecedent. So, their genetics, their cultural background, the triggers throughout their life, whether those are traumatic events or even, you know, grad school could be traumatic, all different sorts of things that could be food poisoning, or a car accident, or some kind of neglect or abuse or a divorce or whatever. Looking at those triggers in life that have impacted us physiologically, even if we haven’t put the pieces together. And our mediators are the things that help us feel better or worse that we know. And our job is to help to amplify the number of mediators we’re aware of. So, what do I know for myself as a patient helps me feel better, or makes me feel worse, that’s very empowering, when I understand that. So, the story is really diving into who are you. The soup, as I like to call it is that systems biology, it’s that understanding that everything in the body is connected to each other. And so, we’re not just saying, “oh, you have X V Y”. We’re really understanding the connections and how we make recommendations based on that deep assessment. And the skill, what we’re recommending has different areas, you know, from sleep and relaxation, exercise and movement, nutrition and hydration, stress and resilience relationships, we’re understanding how does the work around that relate to everything we understand about the individual. So culturally, we’re understanding their background, we’re not telling two people to eat the same diet or saying keto works for everybody, or everybody should be intermittent fasting, right? That’s just not physiologically true. So, we’re bringing empathy to bio individuality, which is that biochemical understanding of the individual.

Maria Ross  17:05

You know, as you’re talking, I just can’t help seeing parallels between so many other interviews and other research that I’ve done around empathy, even just an interview I did this morning around modern leadership and modern cultures in the workplace. And so much of it is about making people slow down, and really understand context and individuality. 

 Andrea Nakayama  17:29

Yeah. 

Maria Ross  17:29

And so I’m just struck by the parallels of everything you’re saying. I mean, I know you’re talking specifically about nutrition and health. But it really speaks to the skills that all leaders in any kind of workplace.

 Andrea Nakayama  17:42

Yes. 

Maria Ross  17:42

Need to be able to shore up if they want to really be effective leaders in the 21st century, and that is about, there’s no cookie cutter solutions, we have to obviously, we have to operationalize and process eyes, whatever we can, for efficiency sake. You know, especially in larger organizations that scale, but at the same time, we need to understand that there are always exceptions to those rules. And we need to be okay with understanding that individuals thrive in different environments. We’re going through this right now, with the whole return to office versus work from home. There’s actually a lot of people who thrived, working from home, especially a lot of people from underrepresented communities, marginalized communities, they had a lot of pressure taken off of them, they weren’t experiencing daily, you know, micro aggressions, and racism in their in their work life, and they actually performed really well working from home gives other people that, you know, really appreciated from a neuro diversity standpoint, the lack of distractions when they’re at home, you know. And so, I think that that’s really the key going forward for our culture and our society, work or not, is that we’re finally we’re finally waking up. I wouldn’t say we’re there yet. We’re not exactly woken up to it. But this idea that everyone has different needs, and different experiences that need to be held into account in order for everyone to thrive and for everyone to reach the goals they’re trying to reach. So no, that’s like, super lofty, but no, that is what was coming up for me as you were talking.

 Andrea Nakayama  19:12

And that’s where I like to take the practice the clinical practice to that place where we’re actually reframing the way we’re thinking about healthcare. And we’re recognizing that there are gaps that don’t serve the individual needs. And for me, when I talk about that systems-based approach, and I talk about mental models, it’s that understanding that you’re talking about that even though we’re bringing bio individuality and that understanding of each person, how do we work in a systems based approach that helps us to do our work efficiently and make the appropriate recommendations so that every time even though every patient or client is a new interaction, what are the systems we use to categorize and understand. And you know, in meant model thinking, Aristotle is who is attributed to first principle thinking. Right? First Principle thinking is get to the essence and categorize. So, you can problem solve complex questions. And for me, that’s what it’s all about how do we amplify and scale the ability to bring individualized care to health care, because it’s missing. It is missing, no matter how much care people are bringing in right settings, they’re just not thinking through the individualized realm. And those are different things like the compassion is different than the critical thinking, that helps the individual on a long-term healing journey.

Maria Ross  20:44

I love it. I love it. I actually interviewed a nurse back in June […] who works on design thinking in health care, and she is a former nurse. And she really helps pull the right information and you know, bedside experience out of nurses to apply it to complex problems in the healthcare system. Yeah, you know, in her view, and I’ll put a link in the show notes to her episode, because it was all about, you know, being able to tap into this resource of nurses being able to help problem solve the business challenges. Yeah, and making sure that that was recognized because they’re on the ground with the patients experiencing this day to day, and they know the solutions that will help. And so, you know, even even in the situation you’re describing, where, even if you get someone to be thinking about what is the individualized approach I can take with this patient? Are they supported by the systems in the environment, wherever they work, that they can deliver that they might not, they might know what the right thing to do is, but they’re unable to do it.

 Andrea Nakayama  21:47

Right. And I think it’s why a lot of people are leaving the system, I think it is going to take a both and and I’m a real stand for making sure that everybody has access to the type of the type of care that I’m teaching and talking about. So, it doesn’t have to be restricted to your means. I’m not talking about shopping at whole foods, I’m talking about a reframe, and a way into how we actually think about the care we give ourselves between our doctor’s visits. So, if we’re not in the hospital, like you said, we may see our doctor once a year, twice a year, maybe every three months, if we have a chronic condition, there’s a lot of care that can happen in between those, those visits. And that’s where patients need to be empowered to see that they actually do have an influence. And this isn’t about right or wrong. It’s not about bad or good. We have to again, understand, you know, this person who’s being recommended that they let’s say again, go on a ketogenic diet doesn’t have a gallbladder and can’t digest fats, that won’t work, or they have a history of disordered eating. And we don’t want to be too restrictive. And those are the elements that are not only missing from health care. We don’t understand that history often. But understanding from nutrition, that understanding is lacking from nutrition, right hair as well.

Maria Ross  23:16

Well, I love this, we could probably do a whole a whole three episodes on nutrition and health care. So many questions. But I did want to get to this thing that you talk about which really intrigues me, and is one of the reasons I wanted to have you on the show, which is the empathy trap, and why so many wellness practitioners from physicians to psychologists fall into it with their patients. So, can you tell us what you mean about but by the empathy trap? Yeah, I

 Andrea Nakayama  23:43

have identified a number of gaps and traps that I see in healthcare and that traps are the places where well-meaning practitioners fall and can’t get out of so I actually the very first module of my training used to be on empathy. And I found I had to remove it because people don’t think they don’t have empathy. They think that they’re, you know, health care providers think that they have all the empathy they need, and they don’t need any training in it. And my message was, you’re doing empathy, all wrong, you’re doing you know, being influenced by your client or patient’s pain and then unable to solve their problem, and then their pain doesn’t get better. And you’re caught in this trap of trying to fix somebody in situations that are more complex than that. Also, in my field, if people are working outside the system, meaning they’re solopreneurs I see a lot of people giving away their services or not really advocating for themselves in a business way, which is another way that they think I’m overly empathetic. I have too much empathy. By as you and I discussed and why I’m a fan of your podcast is because I really believe that there is a way to do empathy that helps us to, again back to the mental models systematize and catch ourselves in the desire to go what I call becoming the bridge, instead of building the bridge.

Maria Ross  25:22

Oh my gosh, exactly, exactly. And this is the thing I hear over and over from, from different leaders who do identify as empathic or being overly empathetic. And I did a whole thing on social media a couple months ago, where I was like, I think people are abusing the word empathy. And they’re using it as an excuse to be completely honest and direct and mean to people. So, you know, be careful when you say, you’re empathetic. And you know, of course, writing a book and having a podcast, everyone comes up to me, and they’re like, oh, I’m so glad you did this, because I’m an empath. And I’ve struggled right, you know, but you hear the struggles of, of leaders and and contributors who want to bring their natural empathy to the workplace to a business context, but feel like they will lose themselves as a result. And especially when I when I talk to health care companies, when I’m doing leadership workshops, for example, it’s, I feel like I’m too empathetic. And I am tired all the time. I’m overworked. I’m stressed, I take on my patients’ problems and their emotions, and all of that. And that’s exactly to your point. That’s actually not empathy. That’s submission acquiescence. I don’t know. The trap. Trap. Yeah. And so the most important piece I’d love for you to talk about is, you know, when I when I talked to them about that, it’s about being confident enough to set boundaries, and you can still be empathetic within those guardrails. So can you talk about how you work with practitioners on how to stabilize their empathy so that it doesn’t consume them?

 Andrea Nakayama  26:57

Yeah, I think I, the acronym I have is art, assess, recommend and track and our assessments are very deep. So, we’re actually honing the empathy by seeing the real individual, as opposed to feeling like we’re rushing in to fix them. Those are two different things. So, the irony in what you’re talking about, is that we’re empathic and we’re feeling so we want to fix, fix, and hold and help. But then we’re actually not in a place where we can help, because we haven’t stepped back in order to actually see who is this and what do they need from me. So, the matrix that I’ve created, helps us to not just see the story, the soup in the skill. So again, who is this what’s going on with them physiologically, and what are their actions, but then put another layer on top of it, and those layers are there, situational, cultural, sociological, environmental, psychological, emotional, habitual, and genetic. And there are ways that the world has impacted those aspects of the person, like you talked about with micro aggressions, and there are ways that that person responds to those insults or impacts or whatever we want to call them. And we our job and being truly empathetic and seeing the individual is stepping back in order to collect that information. So that we’re not making assumptions. I don’t care how empathetic we think we are, there is a lot of information to gather from a person, and they will feel so appreciated to be heard, as opposed to being served in a way or that they you think you’re pleasing them, as opposed to actually I should say we call it serving not pleasing. So, I think empathy often goes into the I’m going to please them because I think I know what they need. I am empathetic, but we haven’t really assessed. And so, stepping back and looking at those different areas. As an example, if I look at the situation, a lot of my students will get eager to dive in if somebody has a cancer diagnosis.  What do I do for this kind of cancer? What kind of nutrition what kind of diet and lifestyle modification, and we have to step back and look at the situation? Have they gone through surgery? Have they had organs or tissue removed? That might be a priority situationally before we’re addressing the fact that yes, this person has cancer. And that’s true of every one of those areas if we step back and allow ourselves to assess instead of assume.

Maria Ross  29:24

Right.  Great, so that’s the A in the acronym. 

 Andrea Nakayama  29:59

A is assess, the R is recommend. So, we only make recommendations once we’ve done a very, very thorough assessment of who we’re talking to, and what’s going on. And the T is for tracking. And that tracking leads us backs in a circular way to assess. And I would say that’s a great way of practicing empathy in the way that I’m talking about it, that’s clinically useful, because we are always in that therapeutic partnership. We’re not making assessments based on a seven-minute conversation, we’re spending the time to fully understand making recommendations based on that that are appropriate for them culturally, sociologically, socioeconomically based on everything, and then we’re tracking how’d that go for you, and we’re in that relationship. To me, that’s empathy and care. 

Maria Ross  30:56

Okay, you could do business trainings on that on art. Because I think that is the key whether you are in healthcare or not, this idea of assessing, stepping back and assessing and not assuming, and then recommending based on that specific situation, and then tracking what I call the checking in after. You know, the follow up the, you know, if you’re, if you’re taking it in terms of like a dei initiative or something, what are the results? What are we, you know, where are we how are people feeling that you should take that to businesses and leaders, because

 Andrea Nakayama  31:32

I’ve been able to build a business.

Maria Ross  31:35

Right? 

 Andrea Nakayama  31:35

Why I’ve been able to build a business and an online school, because that same thinking, I’m always telling my team, we have to separate the problem from the solution. Oftentimes, we overlap the problem and the solution, we spend five minutes on the problem, and 45 minutes on the solution. And we actually have to flip that when we spend more time in the assessment, we better understand our road to a sustainable solution.

Maria Ross  32:05

I love it. Oh, my gosh. You have so many great quotes in this. I don’t even know what we’re going to use. But I want to get back to this because again, the role of empathy in this why this is an empathetic approach is because as you said, most people are doing empathy wrong. And so, empathy is not just being nice, it’s not just agreeing with people. And it is, you know, at its core empathy is is being with someone, but it’s also a method of information gathering so that you can understand their point of view and their experience. And that requires a lot more listening than it does talking. It implies a lot more assessment than it does solving. Right. So, all of this is just like blowing my mind, because it’s just so closely linked to this idea of like, if if you’re doing these things, you are also being empathetic. 

 Andrea Nakayama  32:56

Yeah. 

Maria Ross  32:57

And you can still feel with someone you can still, but the important parts of empathy are not the give the person what they want, or ease their pain, that’s actually not the most important part of empathy. The most important part of empathy is allowing somebody to be seen and heard and listened to and valued and they don’t feel alone and they feel like you are really focusing on them. That’s, that’s the empathy we’re talking about. And so, I just, I don’t even know where I’m going with that. I’m just so excited by what you just shared. And I’ll just say yes, yes. And what do you what do you say to, you know, in your world, it’s practitioners and wellness professionals. But again, anyone who is saying like, I’m so overwhelmed and stressed because I’m so empathetic. Are you helping them apply this? This model? Yeah, I think what you’re really doing is not empathy, what you’re feeling is a lack of boundaries. 

 Andrea Nakayama  33:53

absolutely. And again, as a teacher, you know, as somebody who’s instructing so many people and a leader in the field, I actually had to take that training and move it to much later because people aren’t ready to hear it until they have some of the tools in their hands to use that actually help them to see the reframe. So, they’re still caught, we are caught in our confirmation bias of who we are and how we believe we’re empathetic and that that’s serving us and that’s part of our, it’s, it’s part of who we are. It’s this huge part of people’s identities, especially in the wellness industry, that they’re empathetic. And I think it’s hard for them to hear that they’re doing it wrong until they have some tools and can see and practice it differently. So that was an interesting experience for me to realize this is where this is a number one, like empathy and leadership are where we have to start in clinical care. But wait a minute. People need to start with digestion because they actually can and even hear me in the importance of this until they have some other tools and understanding in place. So, I’m constantly reframing the way that they’re thinking and the teaching, and in, you know, live q&a opportunities, but it’s hard work to get practice. 

Maria Ross  35:18

It’s hard. But you know what, that is empathetic, right there is you’re meeting people where they are. That’s that’s the point of what we’re trying to say. It’s not just giving people what they want. It’s assessing and hearing what they’re saying, and then figuring out a way to meet them where they are. So that’s the way you’re designing your curriculum and your work is empathetic. I want to talk about this kind of a curveball question, which I like to do sometimes, depending on where the conversation goes, with all the with all the advice. And let me let me reframe this. The silver lining, which I hate saying of the pandemic is one of the Silver Linings is that we are finally talking about mental health. We are talking about worker burnout, we’re talking about overwhelm, we’re talking about the crisis in child care, we’re talking about all the stressors that have come to the forefront, because of COVID. There’s also been a lot of prescription around that, like what companies have done to help with the mental health of their employees or to help ease anxiety. I’m curious, given your expertise. Do you think that these organizations because they want so desperately to act and to help people now do you think they’re doing enough of the assessment, and the recommendation to determine if they’re even doing the right things and implementing the right policies and providing the right resources? And the I have no bias on the answer? I’m just Yes. What No, it’s a trick when you’re when you hear when you hear those lists, and you hear these reports about this is what companies are doing to combat you know, mental health issues. What do you think about that?

 Andrea Nakayama  36:55

I mean, I think it’s great that action is being taken, I think sometimes we have to act, and then be willing to shift what we’re doing. And so there were situations that called for some urgent and immediate action. And I think that that’s, that’s one thing in and of itself, my hope is that we then step back and look and assess. And I know that from my lens with a passion for people who have chronic health conditions that the pandemic also illuminated a lot about underlying conditions that we very quickly buried, we buried conversations about vitamin D. We buried conversations that were coming to the surface when we didn’t have answers. And then when we had a quick fix, got very quickly buried. And I’m not I have no stake either in what those supposing quick fixes are. I just believe that some things were being surfaced that deserve more attention, based on socioeconomic status based on racial status based on people with underlying conditions who are more susceptible, that we are not having any more I’m having, right we as a culture are no longer having. And so that concerns me how quickly we as a culture slip slide back into the quick fixes instead of the inquiry and investigation that lead us to more sustainable solutions. And there are more people now because of long haul situations experiencing what those with autoimmunity or chronic lyme, or any chronic conditions always have always experienced. And we’re still not talking about it appropriately, it’s getting more attention. But it’s not getting the kind of attention where we again ask why is this happening? Not just what do we do about it? And how do we actually bring a different kind of care and attention to that “why”. So, I think certain things surface to answer your question that were necessary, and got some immediate and urgent attention. And I think certain things just got, like, surfaced and got quickly buried again, that actually do need our consistent attention. And that I find frustrating from an empathy perspective. 

Maria Ross  37:00

Yeah, yeah. Well, you’ve mentioned before that, you know, a big part of why people are not getting the health care they need other than access and cost and all the problems that we have especially specific to this country, because I know this podcast is heard in other countries as well. Do you really believe that that lack of empathy or lack of the ability to apply empathy is the culprit to some of that?

 Andrea Nakayama  39:49

I think it’s a culprit. I never, you know, think there was one thing but I think yeah, I think it’s a culprit because I think empathy is trained out of for most of our medical providers, the kind of empathy we’re talking about, which is about curiosity and inquiry, because the training is about the X or the Y. And you know what that is fine, as long as we recognize the need for a new kind of or another kind of practitioner who can help in a different area. So, I think we just need to broaden our perspective of what healthcare is what a health care team is how we give people access to different kinds of support, that don’t necessarily have access. So I think the solution is multi-dimensional. And I’m just trying to do my part by training as many people as I can to go into their corners of the universe and address addiction and Cancer and Lyme and Alzheimer’s and ADHD and Autism and just go do their thing with the thinking and the training that hopefully, hopefully puts the systems for deep empathy back into a practice.

Maria Ross  41:08

I love it so applicable beyond health care beyond wellness. So, thank you so much for your insights today. We’ll have all your links in the show notes. But where you know, for people on the go, are exercising right now are going on their daily walk? where can folks connect with you and learn more about you?

 Andrea Nakayama  41:25

Yeah, thank you for asking, you can always find me at Andrea Nakayama.com. That’ll lead you to all the places. And if you’re interested in the training FX nutrition.com is a great place to go.

Maria Ross  41:38

Wonderful. Thank you so much for your time today, Andrea. Thank you. And thank you everyone for listening. As always, I hope you enjoyed another thought-provoking podcast with a wonderful guest. Please make sure you’re telling friends and colleagues about the podcast and when you get a chance, please leave a rating and a review because those really help. In the meantime, until next time, remember that cash flow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Cori Lovejoy: A Trans Woman’s Journey Transforming Self and Organizational Culture

What is it like to go through life as a man, build a successful career, get married and have kids –  and then come out as a woman in your late 40’s? What is it like to experience life from a different gender vantage point? How is your culture creating an environment where diverse people of all backgrounds, such as trans individuals, can do their best work?

These are the questions we tackle today with my guest, culture and leadership consultant Cori Lovejoy. In October of 2020, Cori came out as a transgender woman and took a sabbatical to focus on her transition. Now, she is dedicating the next phase of her work to helping leaders create organizational cultures that are inclusive, diverse, equitable, welcoming, and ultimately more compassionate. She is motivated by a deep conviction that workplace cultures can contribute to employee well-being while achieving maximum organizational effectiveness and impact.

Today Cori shares her personal journey to coming out as trans, how it has impacted her life, and what she learned about white male privilege and how differently men and women are treated. We also share the important work your leaders and organization can do to create a more inclusive culture where smart, talented people in underrepresented groups can contribute fully to your success.

Take a listen but first a trigger warning: We discuss the topics of suicide, addiction, and eating disorders in this episode. If you’re facing mental health issues or thoughts of suicide, please dial 988 in the US or reach out for mental health services in your country.  Please take care of yourself.

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

 Key Takeaways:

  • Everybody has their own story, their own journey, and their own challenges. It is not for us to judge what others are going through, regardless of their stage of life.
  • The way men and women are perceived in society is different. With the same behavior, men are perceived as assertive, women are perceived as aggressive. In most cases, this is unconscious bias, but it is happening every day.
  • Respect is the key. Use people’s correct pronouns, affirm their gender identity, and trust that they know who they are.
  • Learning to love yourself unconditionally, whether trans or cis, is a common human experience.

“Proximity, perspective taking, and personal work will unearth these biases, and make the unconscious biases conscious. And that takes a lot of introspection and personal work.”

—  Cori Lovejoy

About Cori Lovejoy , Culture and Leadership Consultant

In October of 2020, Cori came out as a transgender woman and took a sabbatical to focus on her transition. Now, she is dedicating the next phase of her work to helping leaders create organizational cultures that are inclusive, diverse, equitable, welcoming, and ultimately more compassionate. She is motivated by a deep conviction that workplace cultures can contribute to employee well-being while achieving maximum organizational effectiveness and impact.

As Director of Compassion for Brighton Jones, a wealth management company based in the Pacific Northwest of the US, Cori designed and led the company’s Mindfulness-based Emotional and Social Intelligence (MESI) program, established to support employees in becoming more compassionate through training in mindfulness, self-awareness, empathy, and compassion. Cori also led MESI workshops for other companies, local non-profits, as well as Brighton Jones clients. In addition, she co-founded and organized the Compassionate Leadership Summit, an annual conference centered on compassion and mindfulness that grew to over 500 participants and 50 presenters in less than two years, and she taught a course in Compassionate Leadership at Washington State University as a Teaching Associate Professor.

Before joining Brighton Jones in 2015, Cori spent over 15 years in various leadership roles within the wealth management industry and then several years as an independent leadership coach and organizational development consultant. She holds an MBA in wealth management and an MA in organizational leadership.

Connect with Cori Lovejoy:

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/corilovejoy

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/cory.custer.75

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/cori.lovejoy/

Resources Mentioned:

The Empathy Edge podcast, Cori’s past interview (as Cory Custer) How a Compassionate Culture Leads to Success

Paula Stone Williams, TEDx talk: I’ve Lived as a Man and Woman. Here’s What I’ve Learned

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

What is it like to go through life as a man, build a successful career, get married and have kids and then come out as a woman in your late 40s? What is it like to experience life from different gender vantage points? How is your organizational culture, creating an environment where diverse people of all backgrounds such as trans individuals can do their best work? These are the questions we tackle today with my guest culture and leadership consultant Cori Lovejoy. Cori first joined us back in episode eight of the podcast nearly two years ago, when she was the director of compassionate Brighton Jones, a Seattle based wealth management company, and I featured the company and quarry in the book. Back then she went by Cory Custer, and presented as male. As director of compassion. She designed and led the company’s Mindfulness Based emotional and social intelligence or messy program, established to support employees and becoming more compassionate through training and mindfulness, self-awareness, empathy and compassion. Cori also led messy workshops for other companies, local nonprofits as well as clients. In addition, she co-founded and organized the Compassionate Leadership Summit, an annual conference centered on compassion and mindfulness that grew to over 500 participants and 50 presenters in less than two years. And she taught a course in Compassionate Leadership at Washington State University as a teaching associate professor in October of 2020. Cori came out as a transgender woman, and took a sabbatical to focus on her transition. Now she’s dedicating the next phase of her work to helping leaders create organizational cultures that are inclusive, diverse, equitable, welcoming and ultimately more compassionate. She’s motivated by a deep conviction that workplace cultures can contribute to employee well-being while achieving maximum organizational effectiveness and impact. Today, Cori shares her personal journey to coming out as trans, how it has impacted her life, and what she learned about white male privilege and how differently men and women are treated. We also share the important work your leaders and organization can do to create a more inclusive culture, where smart, talented people and underrepresented groups can contribute fully to your success. Take a listen. But first, a trigger warning. We discuss the topics of suicide, addiction and eating disorders in this episode. If you’re facing mental health issues or thoughts of suicide, please dial 988 in the US or reach out for mental health services in your own country. Please take care of yourself. Enjoy.  

Maria Ross  03:17

Welcome Cori Lovejoy to the empathy edge again, to the show you were one of my first guests. But you joined me as Cory Custer, Director of compassion at Brighton Jones. And now you are here as Cori Lovejoy a very different place in your life. Welcome to the show.

 Cori Lovejoy  04:26

Well, thank you so much. It’s It’s really exciting to be back. For me, it’s exciting. It’s a little bit nerve wracking, frankly, because I haven’t been really out in a in a professional context, very much. So, this all feels new in a way. And but it’s I love being on on this review. So, thank you for the invitation to come back.

Maria Ross  05:12

Well, and I know you and I could probably talk for hours about empathy and emotional intelligence, especially with your work around culture and creating inclusive environments. The great work you’ve done in over your career around really enabling people to be their best selves at work. And so that’s why I’m so interested in your story and your journey of your transition from being a man, you know, going through life as a man and now going through life as a woman. So, I want to just start with, when did you realize that this was who you really are, because you hear so many different stories from transgender individuals? I’m curious what your journey was like?

 Cori Lovejoy  05:52

Yeah, it’s a little bit complicated. Because in my story, is a little bit different than a lot of what I’ve understood a lot of transgender people saying. But throughout, the only thing I was conscious of through my entire life, and this goes back to. You know, my very earliest memories, is wanting to be a woman. I didn’t feel like a lot of trans women will say, I feel like I felt like a woman in a man’s body. Or they, you know, were they, they had this sort of feminine aspect to themselves. I didn’t have either of that all I had was this really strange kind of desire or attraction to the feminine and to women. And it just and for me, it, it always felt just because of the time and place, and family and my my family of origin. It just, it didn’t feel safe to ever say anything, it felt very shameful. So, I went through my life for 48 years living as a man thinking that I was a mentally ill cisgender heterosexual man, because I didn’t know I’ve never heard of anything like this where somebody who just like, wants to be a woman. I just felt like I just got dealt the wrong hand. And I really wish that had been born a woman. But that’s kind of, you know, that’s kind of all I was conscious of, until the summer of 2020. Right around the time, we probably first recorded the episode. I know, it came out in September, but but it and I talked about these other places, but I’ve been doing a lot of like deep personal work. And in the, in the span of about three weeks, it sort of dawned on me that I was a woman, I got my core. And that’s in that, that shifted everything because now I can actually really sort of sci fi in a way because when I Well, as soon as I kind of got my mind around that and just begin to accept that. That my, my past my history started to make sense. Memory started to fill in all these things that had happened suddenly made sense. It provided a context. And so, it’s like, rather than thinking I’m a mentally ill cisgender heterosexual man, I’m perfectly normal transgender woman. But that kind of awakening where I first started to accept myself as trans, to the time of coming out was was very tumultuous. It’s not like, I came out and I said, Oh, goody, I’m trans. I mean, it was very inconvenient truth. 

Maria Ross  08:42

And are married and have children,

 Cori Lovejoy  08:43

Married, children in you know, in a, in a, I didn’t I knew one other trans person. That’s it in my entire network. I knew I had my own biases about trans people. I I just felt stuck because I no longer could, there was just this huge dissonance I kind of knew what I now accepted as the truth, but also the thought of actually coming out. And living as a woman, presenting as a woman transitioning was just inconceivable to me at the time and it actually was really led to a lot of inner turmoil. And and then I got actually, frankly, really, really depressed and and we probably should put some trigger warnings on the episode but you know, got fairly suicidal at the time. And this was, you know, this was December of 2020. And so, but I finally, I had I had this kind of awakening this moment, this I call it an epiphany, or download or whatever. Then the night that I was my thinking had shifted from if I was going to kill myself to how I was going to kill my So, I had this epiphany and it said, you know, I heard it as like Cory, you’re, you’re clearly not afraid to die, which I didn’t feel afraid of. Why are you afraid to live? And that just kind of, like, busted me open. It’s like, that’s exactly what’s happening here. I’m afraid to live in my truth. And, and I’ve always kind of counted myself as sort of courageous and, and wanting to be out in the world, in my truth and, and authentically. And so, I kind of accepted the challenge, if you will, I slowly started to come out to friends to some close friends. And at that time, I didn’t say, Oh, I was a Trans. I’m a transgender woman. It was like, I didn’t know what I was. I mean, I didn’t I just I knew that something was going on. I didn’t, you know, I didn’t. I didn’t know what this was. But I started to I started to work with a therapist, and just slowly started to step into my feminine self. And it just each step of the way. It just felt, right. That’s the only way I’ve been able to describe it. People are like, how can you just, you know, what does it feel like to be out as trans or on hormones? Or I had I had bottom surgery at a vaginal plasti. Last November, like, what does it feel like in the I just can say, it feels just feels right? It feels like coming home? 

Maria Ross  11:26

I love that. Yeah. Now as you as you were going on this journey of trying to figure out what was going on? Was that was that a solitary journey? You mentioned that you reached out to some friends? Did you confide in your family at all?

 Cori Lovejoy  11:38

Yeah, I did. I did. It wasn’t a solitary journey, I have a very remarkable and amazing friend group, very supportive. And that was that was actually turned out to be life saving. But yeah, just started to come out to them kind of individually. And in that process, that in having those conversations and coming out, it helped me kind of like reach reached this conclusion of kind of what I was. And I did come out to my family, and at least my immediate family, my, my wife and my two children. And but you have to understand Maria at this time, it’s like it was it was really tumultuous on top of like, mental health issues, you know, depression, which I’ve always kind of struggled with, I’m dealing with this, you know, had professional challenges. And, and, and to bring this out in at the time just really created a lot of turmoil in in my family. And in my life. It was it was really, really messy. I don’t think that I I managed the transition very elegantly. Is much I would do now in hindsight differently. Knowing, you know, hindsight.

Maria Ross  13:05

Hindsight, is 2020 2020. 

 Cori Lovejoy  13:07

So, but but it is what it is, and and I, you know, I damaged a lot of relationships and friendships along the way, but but also at the same time, I felt a lot of support and love from some key individuals, including my wife and children.

Maria Ross  13:24

Right, which you are all still very close. Yes, yes. So much. So absolutely. Wow. Well, I can you know, again, I can only imagine how hard that is. And I think we don’t appreciate enough, the period before someone, not even the period before someone decides to come out. But the period when they’re trying to determine who they are. I think we have this image in our mind that people know who they are before they come out and they’re just hiding it. And we don’t really understand the journey that that you go through. Like you said, where you were just trying to figure out what is this? Am I mentally ill? Why doesn’t this feel right? Like there was a whole there was a whole pre almost coming out to yourself process. It sounds like.

 Cori Lovejoy  14:11

Yeah, I mean, I would say that’s exactly what it is, is coming out to was coming out to myself. And yeah, it’s really hard to sort of separate that kind of process with you know, I think being being trans and then growing up, sort of closeted and not being able to talk about this, it. It also creates a lot of other kind of psychological problems. So it’s I think it’s, I mean, I want to try to just speak from my own experience as much as I can because every trans person every every story is different, right? I don’t I don’t want to give any illusion or pretense that I’m speaking for all trans people.

Maria Ross  15:01

No, everybody’s story is so personal. And you even said to me before we started recording, you know, you identify as trans, but you also identify as queer and you identify as lesbian. And there’s lots of different permutations of how, you know, there’s not just one identity of transgender.

 Cori Lovejoy  15:19

Yeah, yeah. I do think, though, that it is not uncommon, you know, that being said, I don’t think it’s uncommon for there to be other underlying or coincident mental health issues that right occur with this, I mean, gender dysphoria, I don’t you know, it, at least for me, wasn’t just, it wasn’t just gender dysphoria. There’s, you know, there’s body dysmorphia, you know, it’s like I had I had this, you know, kind of, you know, eating disorders and sort of like, lots of lots of different things that just kind of came along with it two, that I needed to sort out that were also, you know, not necessarily directly related being trans but definitely related.

Maria Ross  16:07

Right? Well, I mean, I would imagine that, when you’re trying to figure out, what does it feel right, you’re turning to all these different things, is it? Is it my body? Is it my mental health? It’s, you know, when you’re trying to figure out what’s misaligned for you, it leads you it sounds like it leads you in all these different directions. How does it? How does it feel, now that you have made this transition? When you hear about the laws being passed in other states, obviously, that must worry you about the mental health of young people, but also of adults, too, who have taken a long time to come to this journey? 

 Cori Lovejoy  16:48

Yeah, yeah. It was, it’s actually very upsetting to me. I feel, I mean, I had so many, I’ve had so much privilege and coming out, I had amazing friends, I had a supportive family, I had the financial resources, I had this life living as a man that shaped me and gave me I think, some con, you know, there’s a certain amount of confidence I had I, I felt like I was, you know, successful professionally. So, I had a lot going for me, and I feel like I barely made it. And then I start to think about, you know, younger kids or people without those resources, financial, in places, you know, and this was in Seattle, where I came out to, so I felt relatively safe. And I just think about if any of those variables weren’t there, what I’ve made it I think about the kids and it’s, it’s it’s, it’s life and death. I mean, it’s, it’s it is life and death. For trans people. There’s some really interesting statistics about suicide rates and attempted suicide rates among trans people, and particularly trans youth. And they’re extraordinarily high. For ordinarily high. And and it’s, it’s just so sad to me, and it just, it makes me angry. And I think so much of it is just I’ll say ignorance. Yeah,

Maria Ross  18:25

It is ignorance. And that’s, you know, this is part of my mission with this show is to open people’s apertures of who they come in proximity to. And that’s why I’m so grateful that you’re here. Because if you are a person who has never known someone who’s transgender, or you just don’t understand, which is okay not to understand, but you have to seek understanding, and to seek understanding, you have to open a dialogue with people. And so that’s why again, I’m so grateful that you’re here. Just sharing your personal journey. I wanted to ask, you know, it’s so interesting years ago, I caught a TED talk online by a woman named Paula Stone Williams and the talk was called, I’ve lived as a man and a woman. Here’s what I learned. And it was a transgender woman who had transitioned very similar to after a very successful corporate career. And I think in her case, she’d even been CEO of a, I think, kind of a Christian angled organization, a larger organization. And her talk was so enlightening, and so she was funny, but she was truthful. And the biggest thing I took away from the talk was just the eye-opening experience that she had had of living as a man for so long and reaping the success living as a white privileged man for so long. And now being a woman and what she noticed about how she was treated differently, and not just for being transgender, but for people who just believed she had, you know, she was had always identified as a woman. Can you tell us a little bit about what you’ve noticed in terms of the treatment you get or the experience you have going through the world? As a man? And now as a woman? What have you learned about that?

 Cori Lovejoy  20:19

Yeah, I want to, I want to answer that. But I also just want to kind of put a exclamation point behind what you said about proximity. And that’s I’ve made a commitment to, to speak as much as I can and, and be out in and open and transparent about my experiences, because I’ve found that that proximity is so important, and sharing my story, and I’m in the feedback I get is, confirms that it’s just it’s so important in building empathy, proximity, and into perspective taking. And yeah, it’s very difficult to understand is, you know, living as a man, I don’t I mean, I don’t understand it. I mean, I, it’s very difficult to explain, it’s very, very difficult to understand. And I don’t expect anyone who’s not trans to really be able to understand it, but it does go to like, you know, people being curious, genuinely curious. And then also just, like, respecting, but yeah, some of the, like, interesting things, I guess, the first time that I really felt a loss of privilege was the the very first time I, I went out of my house, presenting as a woman dressed as a woman. And I remember closing the front door, locking it and walking out and then being scared. And I’m like, wow, this for the first time in my life, I am out. And I actually am scared. I mean, violence against trans people, trans women, particularly and trans women of color, it’s a real thing. And it just was, it was a very visceral thing to like, suddenly realize that I can’t take my physical safety for granted anymore. And now I have to pay attention. You know, I started carrying pepper spray. I, you know, I was careful about where I went and how I went and how I looked and how I presented myself. It was, it happened in the matter of like, a very short amount of time. So that contrast was was really, really stark. For me. And then I also remember the first time I got mansplain to I didn’t know what was happening. Yeah. And can you tell us about it? Yeah, it was a perfect, it was in a professional context. It was actually a nurse, a male nurse. And I swear, I’m like, this person, it just felt weird the way the person was talking to me, kind of slow and like really go into like, a lot of depth to explain, like basic concepts and things like that. Like, is this just the way this person is? And then it dawned on me now I’m getting mansplain to. And I’m not the least intelligent person around I don’t think and so it was just, it was so bizarre to me, because I felt that I felt helpless, like it was happening. Yeah, but I also didn’t feel like I could say anything about it. I don’t know how I would like, address that I still don’t know how to address that to, to this day. And it’s occurred, it keeps occurring to me. In a in a professional context, after I came out, I moved to Salt Lake City and kind of as a man, just to kind of keep myself busy. And in the flow of things. I took a job at Nordstrom, in the fragrance and beauty department, which for me was just like a fun and interesting way to be out as trans and get up the, what I call the girl school learning curve really quickly. But in that context, I had a I had a manager who called me aggressive and I had a manager call me combative. And I really, I really, really reflected upon that. And I can’t say for certain but I’m I’m nearly 100% certain that I was showing up exactly the way I showed up in a professional context. Yeah, the way you’ve always man. Yeah. And, and, you know, you know, as a man, you’re assertive, as a woman you’re aggressive.  You know? And, you know, someone once told me, you know, what do you call a successful man? Successful? What do you call a successful woman? A bitch, right that. That’s really real. It’s really real. Yeah. And I don’t think it happens consciously in most cases, right? It’s unconscious bias. But it’s, it’s very hard to pinpoint. I was telling a friend as yesterday, it’s like, you know, I can share some of these anecdotes, but when it’s happening, or it’s you can’t always point to a specific phrase or specific behavior. It’s, it’s more of a felt sense of, of how you’re being treated. And yeah, whether or not there’s respect, and, and it’s very hard, isn’t it? No, it’s just thinking about this in organizational context. If you were going to, like, go to HR and say, hey, this is what’s happening, it would be very, very difficult to, like, make a case for it based. 

Maria Ross  24:47

Right?  Right, right.

 Cori Lovejoy  25:49

Specific languages. But you know, I mean, I know and having that contrast, and I just think about, I think about sis women that have just grown up in this context without knowing any different and differently. And I feel like a lot of what I do now with my girlfriends, and I just love my, we can talk about that too. But my relationship with women, and my girlfriends, it’s so remarkable. And something that I’ve really missed out that I really didn’t realize I was missing out, as a man that girlfriend relationships are remarkable. So remarkable. It’s been the that piece of coming out has been the least expected. And the most beneficial and best part about coming out. But it’s, it’s just, it’s hard to sort of explain what it’s like. And I think, again, think of sis women who, who have never really realized this, and there’s something around, like personal power, I feel like a lot of what I’m doing in my relationships with my girlfriends is like, helping them to step into their power and be more assertive. I, you know, in full disclosure, I, a year ago, I checked myself in to rehab, inpatient rehab, because my, my coming out was also coincident with, you know, these underlying mental health issues. But also, which started as very intentional self-medication. Turned into addiction. And so, by, you know, by early August last year, I was like, I can’t stop. I mean, I’m, I’m, I’m an I’m a full-on addict here, I can’t stop if I wanted to. And so, but you know, and I went into rehab, it was impatient, and I was living in the women’s area and with women and fully accepted as a woman. And I just, I, it was so interesting to me, because I would see, it was very, very strict in terms of rules. But I would see men get exceptions to the rules. And, and merely because they asked, and then I would go to the, you know, the women and you know, they’d come to me, like, oh, I can’t do that. Or women. I’m like, can you ask, can you advocate for yourself? Like, I just, I was doing a lot of coaching of these women to just really be more assertive and advocate for themselves. Something that came very, very naturally, to me as a man that is, I think, seems to be very hard for a lot of sis women. 

Maria Ross  28:20

It does. And I’d want to get back to your point about why it’s, it’s hard to put your finger on it. And that’s why, you know, and I can speak to my own experience, why it’s hard to go to HR, why it’s hard to to report somebody because it feels so squishy. It’s like you know it, but there’s no like, people don’t just come out and blatantly say I am sexually harassing you, or whatever it is, or I am mansplaining. You it’s not, it’s not that black and white. It’s really that feeling. And we were joking before we started recording that if only you know, every man could live as a woman and go to work as a woman for just a little while and come back. They would get it right it because it’s you say that and it sounds so squishy and nebulous, and but you you know it when you’re in it. And so, I really appreciate you sharing, that that’s something that you’re starting to realize too, as you as you move through life as as the woman you were meant to be. So, I would love to kind of continue that vein and talk about you know what, now that you I mean, I know you’re not still you’re still on your journey, but with your work around culture with your work around emotional intelligence with organizations, and helping them build an inclusive culture. What can colleagues do or say? What can leaders do or say, to help transgender individuals be their best selves at work and be able to, to thrive in the workplace? It is And I know there’s not like a laundry list. But if you sort of had some, some top tips for us, of what you found helpful, now that you know, you’ve been on both sides of this, like what, what are some ways that people can? If they don’t realize they’re doing something maybe stop? Or if they don’t realize they should be doing something start?

 Cori Lovejoy  30:22

Yeah, I think it starts with proximity. I think it it, it it, you know, to to be genuinely curious about and whether it’s trans or LGBTQ, LGBTQ plus, or you know, someone with a disability, any underrepresented group. I think it’s, I think it’s proximity. I think it’s genuine curiosity so that you can, as best you can take that perspective, perspective taking. So, it’s it’s proximity and perspective taking. I also think it requires a lot of personal work. We’re not always I mean, it’s unconscious bias, we’re not aware of our, our biases. I wasn’t I mean, I on Earth, my own biases about women that I had to work through on on Earth, my own biases about trans people and queer people that I, I had internalized these biases, then and I actually had, you know, and still do, and a lot of cases like have to overcome them. Myself, and I just learned this term, meta stereotype, which is, you know, not as like, we know, all know what stereotype means. But a meta stereotype is me thinking that people are thinking about me, stereotypically.

Maria Ross  31:45

Right.

 Cori Lovejoy  31:45

So, me just a mat, you know. So, it’s, it’s, it’s, it’s very interesting. But I think that, I think so I think though, you know, proximity perspective taking and then personal work will unearth these biases, and make the unconscious biases conscious. And that’s a lot of that’s a lot of work. And that takes a lot of like introspection and personal work. I think the, to me, the really interesting point, then becomes like, what do I do about it? Like, now I’m suddenly conscious of my bias? How do I break that bias? And this is where I think my work before is, is is, you know, emotional and social intelligence. And mindfulness comes in so handy, because I think that it takes practice, I think you I think, just just knowing intellectually about unconscious bias, and knowing you know, these things at a conceptual level, very, very different than actually changing your, your wiring and changing your heart. And that takes practice. And I think that’s the thing is, and there are there are known practices, many of which I’ve promoted in the past, and still practice myself to combat unconscious bias, unconscious bias actually change, change the way you think about people at a very deep level. And I think that, that I mean, to me, those are the steps. I mean, personally, I think what was really important for me is just people being curious people affirming the being affirmed as a as a woman in my identity. And that’s, it’s simple things that a lot of people might think ridiculous, but using someone’s correct pronouns, it just, it makes it, it makes such a big difference when I was, and I still am, in a lot of ways, very fragile, in terms of my identity, as a woman, so it’s very, very potent for me to be accepted as a woman to be treated as one. So, I think just it goes back to maybe just that kind of respect. 

Maria Ross  34:06

Hmm hmm. Yeah. And I think that, you know, it always goes back to that whole, like working on yourself first.  You know, we talked about that in the empathy edge is that it starts with you, practicing mindfulness, practicing presence, being able to recognize your own emotions, and your own state of mind, which is so much of the work that you did to great success with organizations of helping build that emotional intelligence muscle, so that there’s not again, there’s not just a laundry list of things you do and don’t do, but it’s when you are actually conscious. And you are present to what you are thinking and feeling. You can change your behavior. But if you’re not even conscious and present to what you’re thinking and feeling, you don’t even realize the impact that you’re having on other people. You’re very insular. And so it’s it’s such you know, it’s we we keep trying to find these ways to get around that important first step, to eliminating so many of the issues that we have in the workplace and in our world around racism, misogyny, unconscious bias, all of that. That work is so important. And then I think there’s probably also a piece, I would imagine that there’s also there also is a policy piece. So once you see things that are, we, there’s a lot of, there’s a lot of leaders that try to say it’s it’s implicit bias, because they want to have that as an excuse of like, I didn’t realize that we were treating people that way. But then there’s other times where, where I had this conversation with the previous guests where it’s like, well, you, you knew you knew you were underpaying women, you knew your culture was not inclusive for transgender individuals, like you knew. So, there are their policy or ritual or other process, decisions that can be made to create that more inclusive environment, as you said, not just for transgender individuals, but for bipoc. For women for underrepresented groups.

 Cori Lovejoy  36:13

Yeah, I think there there clearly are policies and procedures in those things. I think that I mean, to really create a culture that is welcoming, and where underrepresented people feel like they belong, because I think that sense, that’s what I think we’re aiming for. And any dei work is a sense of belonging. I think that that that is going to require leaders to actually change their mindsets, and do that personal work. And that’s, that’s the hard part. I do think it’s interesting. You know, I’ve often thought it’s interesting to to have gone through this experience with my kind of background, and training and sort of sort of, you know, having that lens on my own experience has been been really rich. Yeah, just I just occurred to me to, I want to say one thing about respect. And the, if you look at the root of the word, it means to look, again, relook. And so I just, I think, in terms of respect that way, I’m just like, look, again, look beyond. Beyond that initial reaction, I had a very good friend of mine say that, you know, it, you know, in meeting me, there was about 10, to 15 minutes of discomfort, she was very, very honest about that kind of discomfort. And then, and then it was fine. And then it was totally normal. And I’ve asked other people about that. And they’re like, yeah. First, it’s a little bit abrupt puts people on their heels to see, you know, male bodied person presenting as female. And I think that just the ability to kind of like, sit in that discomfort, remain curious. Recognize, like, what’s coming up in you, and being able to manage that, get beyond that, and get to the place of empathy and perspective taking. That’s not trivial for people. That’s a huge sort of developmental step for a lot of people. And I think that that’s, that’s the work that needs to happen is at the level of, you know, individual personal work, and then relating to people. One on one, one on one. So I liked the policy. I liked the the, you know, the procedures and the processes. That alone is not enough to really 

Maria Ross  38:38

Exactly. 

 Cori Lovejoy  38:39

I was changing leaders, yeah. 

Maria Ross  38:41

I was gonna say you can’t policy your way to an inclusive culture. But what it’s but if you’re doing those hand in hand, which you’ve done so well, in organizations that you’ve worked in, in the past, where you’ve, you’ve helped with individuals working on the inner work, and what can we do systemically? What how can we change our hiring processes? How can we create practices and rituals just like we talked about? So, it’s a it’s a both and you can’t start with sort by mandating inclusivity because it doesn’t happen. It’s an outcome of building your own emotional intelligence, your own empathy, your own understanding? And what I think is probably more important, even as a first step and tell me if you agree with this, is just that the leaders are modeling the behavior. Even if you have no policies in place, even if you have no procedures in place, even if you know, if you see leaders that are acting with empathy, including others, that and also that they are not tolerating disrespect. In the organization. They don’t let it slide. I feel like that speaks volumes to creating the inclusive culture that you want. Have them read really putting their money where their mouth is and saying this is, this is what we stand for. I am going to model this behavior. And I’m also going to call you out. If you’re not being inclusive if you’re not being respectful.

 Cori Lovejoy  40:14

Yes, I couldn’t agree more. And it kind of brings up another issue that you mentioned hiring. You mentioned creating these cultures at a systemic level. And I think there’s a, you know, these all happened to be peas, like perspective, taking personal were proximity. But there’s another key here that I think is super important, which is proactivity, which is we can’t just I don’t think that with any underrepresented group, I don’t think just we can’t, we just can’t say, Hey, we’re, you know, in even if you are genuinely inclusive, and, and you’ve changed your culture, you, you can’t just sit back and way and hope that underrepresented people find you and make their way into the organization, I mean, underrepresented groups have been in people have been disadvantaged systemically, and it takes proactivity I mean, we got to be proactive in our recruiting, you know, changing our recruiting processes, changing our mentoring processes, being proactive. And in promoting representation is really important. As you know, as a trans person, I’m looking at organizations to work for or with, and it’s like I do, I see people like me, on the board and leadership roles, you know. So, being proactive and promoting and recruiting underrepresented people is for for leaders is really changing the way they they hire and bring people on board and promote people, I think is exactly where leaders would put their money where their mouth is. In addition to, you know, calling people out and, and, and they themselves doing their, you know, being very transparent about the personal work than they need to do and are doing.

Maria Ross  42:05

Well, I’m what I love about the work that you’ve done in the past and that you’re doing for organizations today is really helping them bring that sort of training and dialogue about the inner work to the organization on a consistent basis. I’ve talked about this in a previous hot take episode of the podcast, but you can’t just have one empathy workshop or one emotional intelligence workshop for your team. And then poof, your culture is transformed. It’s got to be a consistent curriculum, a consistent message over and over again, that you are going to help your employees with that inner work. Because it ultimately benefits the organization, I think there’s so many leaders who don’t want to spend time or money on that, quote, unquote, stuff, I’m doing air quotes, people can’t see me. But it’s so important to the actual bottom-line performance of the organization. And you’ve, you know, in your work in the past, you’ve been able to prove that you’ve been able to show that once we put these things in place, we you know, retention went up, engagement went up, loyalty went up, revenue went up. And so how do you work with leaders when you’re when you’re trying to show them that, that this inner work, and creating an environment, not just saying like you go do the inner work, where the organization actually takes responsibility and accountability for helping their employees with the inner work? How do you feel about that?

 Cori Lovejoy  43:35

Yeah, it’s, it’s interesting, as you know, in is, uh, you know, when I do consulting work or work with leaders, and, you know, you get hired to, to change something in the organization, right? Magically and, and it’s a very, and, you know, it’s a very sort of a dicey conversation to have with the leader, who’s, you know, either your boss or your client to say, well, you know, like, first you got to change you. First, we got it, you know, like, that’s the, I know, it’s tempting to, you know, go out and say that, you know, we got to change this in our organization, we have these issues, and whatever in organization, it’s like, okay, we’ll get to that. But first, you got to do your work. Yeah. And, and I, you know, and I think, I think more and more leaders are getting that, and, and then when they get comfortable doing that work in their personal work in a work context, then it becomes clear how they would do that. In the organization. If they haven’t done that work themselves, then I think, you know, the thought, even the thought of doing this work at organizational level. This doesn’t doesn’t resonate with them.

Maria Ross  44:54

But you’ve seen the power of that in the work that you’ve done, where the leaders are like, I’m willing to take a look at my itself, and how that’s impacted the performance of the whole organization.

 Cori Lovejoy  45:04

Totally. Yeah, I mean, that’s the biggest, I mean, the most potent leverage point in system change is, is leadership, I think. And then if it within individual leaders, then it’s, it’s, you know, the leverage point is, is their personal work and then changing their views and their behaviors. Yeah, I will say one other thing, too, about what I like to say. And I think it’s important, because so much of what I think if people look beyond just kind of the, my story, as a trans person, there’s another underlying piece here that a lot of people can relate to, which is, I’ll just call itself love accepting yourself, learning to love yourself learning to get beyond shame, and these things. And so, I will often describe my journey as a journey of learning to love and accept myself unconditionally. And so many people can relate to that, whether their journey is, you know, whether it’s trans or sis, Jen, you know, what, like, that is, I think that’s sort of, like, the common human experience for most of us is, is, like, we’ve been told so much of our lives, that we’re not enough that something’s wrong with us that we don’t fit in, or we’ve just, you know, internalized that ourselves, and, and so much of this work for me has been learning to, to love myself and accept myself and get beyond the shame. And when I, when I talk at that level, about those types of things, I think people can really relate to me as as, as this coming out as trans as a, as learning to accept myself and learning for who I am. And not try to, yeah.

Maria Ross  46:59

And I love that, that point. Because I think if you look at the lot, a lot of the issues that leaders have, with you know, as, as my premise of my book was the root of many of the issues is the lack of empathy. And where does the lack of empathy come from, it often comes from you as a person being dissed, destabilized, where you don’t have enough self-acceptance or self-love, or self-confidence, or, or you’re not grounded enough to be able to try to see things from another person’s point of view, and not feel threatened by it. Because I feel like so much of the dysfunctional leadership out there, you know, it’s like the bullies become bullies type of thing, right? And why do bullies become bullies because they’re hurt inside. Because they’re, they’ve experienced something themselves. And so, if you’re, you know, if you’re having issues with your team, and performance and inclusivity, it’s worth it to at least entertain the idea that you’ve got to create a stronger foundation within you, because perhaps, you are being so defensive and unwilling to listen and unwilling to compromise. Because you have your your own insecurities, you have your own issues of self-acceptance, and self-love and self-worth. And it sounds very, like, whoo, whoo. And I know, there’s a lot of skeptics, you know, folding their arms right now, they’re probably not listening to this podcast. But, you know, we, I think, as we get older and more experienced in the workforce, we start to see that we start to recognize that, oh, I don’t know that that person’s a jerk. I just think that that person doesn’t really love themselves very much.

 Cori Lovejoy  48:38

I think I think, yeah, I think you’re so right. And I think you’ve just articulated that perfectly. I don’t have anything to add. I think that’s, that’s wonderful. And that’s, that’s, that’s the personal work at the most fundamental level, is learning to know yourself, who you are. authentically finding your authentic self. Becoming aware of that authentic self, accepting that authentic self. Loving that, and you know that yourself unconditionally. Yeah, you’re, you’re you’re right.

Maria Ross  49:18

Yeah. Well, Cori, this has been so wonderful to reconnect with you. And you know, having known you before and know you now, there is a glow there is an energy you spoke about the fact that, you know, people feel like you’re a people magnet now. And it’s, I really believe it’s because you have embraced your authentic self. And it’s so beautiful to see. And it’s such a great model for all of us, no matter what it is about ourselves, whether it’s, we’re trans or we have vulnerabilities we need to accept or whatever whatever it is about us that we need to accept. You’re a great model for what can happen when you finally do, and I know it wasn’t, it’s not an easy journey. But I really appreciate you sharing it with us today. And you know, bringing that perspective and enriching your work around organizational change around culture around creating inclusive cultures, makes you such a unique consultant and leader in that area. So I’m very excited to see what you do next. But we will have all the links to stay in touch with you in the show notes. But just for people on the go, where’s the best place they can connect with you? 

 Cori Lovejoy  50:30

Probably LinkedIn or Instagram. Those are the two social media platforms. 

Maria Ross  50:35

Wonderful. 

 Cori Lovejoy  50:37

But I just want to thank you, thank you so much. There were a lot of compliments back in there and I appreciate that I appreciate you and and your interest in me at a at a personal level and a professional level. And it’s just been, it’s always a pleasure to speak with you. 

Maria Ross  50:52

Oh thank you. 

 Cori Lovejoy  50:53

Today was no exception.

Maria Ross  50:54

Thank you so much Cori Lovejoy, making the world better for culturally inclusive environments. Thank you so much, and we wish you the best of luck on your journey. And thank you everyone for listening to another great episode of the empathy edge. Hope you enjoyed it. If you did, please share it with a friend or colleague. And don’t forget to rate and review we love those on your podcast player of choice. Until next time, please remember that cash flow creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care, and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Mónica Guzmán: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Divided Political Times

How often do you challenge your assumptions about others and get curious – especially about those in your workplace or your family who have different views than you, political or otherwise? In our increasingly polarized society, my guest today, Mónica Guzmán, believes that we can’t count on institutions to bridge those divides for us – we have to do it one conversation, one person, at a time.

Today, we discussed how she got involved in the work of helping people understand each other better and what role her journalism career played in that mission. We dived into how to bring emotion back into conversations rather than trying to win arguments with data, and a magic question you can ask people who disagree with you to better understand them. We talked about how to have more curious conversations and how to navigate roadblocks. Some great tips for those of you going into election season or tense family dinners over the holidays!

 To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • You can’t have a negotiation if there is no talking. We are judging more while talking less and that only leads further to divide, and not to empathy and understanding.
  • The level we think change doesn’t matter, one-on-one conversations, is where change happens the most.
  • You often believe that the people that you love and care about who disagree with you are not the majority but an exception to the rule. However, if you talk with others who disagree with you, you will find out that they are not the exception, but the rule

“The most powerful question that actually gets great information from the other person that leads to understanding and also avoids judgment is asking people what concerns them.”

— Mónica Guzmán

“If we don’t engage across disagreement, we risk not seeing variables that are really important to other people, and make for a far more honest accounting of everything that’s at play when people make decisions.” —  Mónica Guzmán

“Curiosity is an incredible form of caring.” —  Mónica Guzmán

“Searching for truth and searching for trust, are both incredibly important. If you get to a point in the conversation where you realize you don’t have the same facts…go back to talking about what concerns people and try to have a conversation about values.” —  Mónica Guzmán

About Mónica Guzmán, Senior Fellow for Public Practice at Braver Angels

Mónica Guzmán is a bridge builder, journalist, and entrepreneur who lives for great conversations sparked by curious questions. She’s the director of digital and storytelling at Braver Angels, the nation’s largest cross-partisan grassroots organization working to depolarize America; host of live interview series at Crosscut; and cofounder of the award-winning Seattle newsletter The Evergrey. Monica’s new book, I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times has been praised by the media, readers and influencers alike.

She was a 2019 fellow at the Henry M. Jackson Foundation, where she studied social and political division, and a 2016 fellow at the Nieman Foundation for Journalism at Harvard University, where she researched how journalists can rethink their roles to better meet the needs of a participatory public. She was named one of the 50 most influential women in Seattle, served twice as a juror for the Pulitzer Prizes, and plays a barbarian named Shadrack in her besties’ Dungeons & Dragons campaign. A Mexican immigrant, Latina, and dual US/Mexico citizen, she lives in Seattle with her husband and two kids and is the proud liberal daughter of conservative parents.

Resources  Mentioned:

The Empathy Edge: Interview with Edwin Rutsch, How Empathy Circles Can Change the World

Center for Building a Culture of Empathy

http://cultureofempathy.com

Empathy Circle Website

http://www.empathycircle.com

Check out Edwin and an Empathy Circle in action in the documentary Trumphobia: What Both Sides Fear: trumphobiamovie.com/watch

Connect with Mónica Guzmán:

Braver Angels Website: https://braverangels.org/

Monica’s Website and info about her book, I Never Thought of It That Way: How to Have Fearlessly Curious Conversations in Dangerously Divided Times: https://reclaimcuriosity.com

Website: https://moniguzman.com/

Twitter: https://twitter.com/moniguzman

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/moniguzman/

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/reclaimcuriosity

Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/moniguzman/

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

Next month, those of us in the US deal with two situations where disagreement can create Stark divisions, election day and Thanksgiving dinner. If you want some help navigating tense conversations, so you can still stay connected to those you work with, or are related to today’s episode is for you. How often do you challenge your assumptions about others and get curious, especially about those in your workplace or your family who have different views than you political or otherwise in our increasingly polarized society? My guest today, Monica Guzman believes that we can’t count on institutions to bridge those divides for us. We have to do it one conversation, one person at a time. Monica Guzman is a bridge builder, journalist and entrepreneur who lives for great conversations sparked by curious questions. She’s a senior fellow for public practice at braver angels, the nation’s largest cross partisan grassroots organization working to depolarize America. She’s hosted a live interview series at cross cut. She’s co founder of the award winning Seattle newsletter, The ever gray and Monaco’s new book. I never thought of it that way. How to have fearlessly curious conversations in dangerously divided times has been praised by the media, readers and influencers alike. A Mexican immigrant, Latina and dual US Mexico citizen Monica lives in Seattle with her husband and two kids, and is the proud liberal daughter of conservative parents. She also has some very interesting accolades and hobbies, which you can read more about in her bio in the show notes. Today, we discussed how she got involved in the work of helping people understand each other better, and what role her journalism career played in that mission. We also discuss why her book is different from many other books about navigating difficult conversations. We’ve dived into how to bring emotion back into conversations. Rather than trying to win arguments with data and a magic question you can ask people who disagree with you to better understand them. We talked about how to have more curious conversations, and how to navigate those nasty roadblocks. Some great tips for those of you going into election season, or tense family dinners over the holidays. Good luck and take a listen.  

Maria Ross  04:29

Big welcome Monica Guzman to the empathy edge podcast. I am really really excited. Well, I’m really, really excited about all my guests. But I’m very, very excited to have this conversation with you because your book, I never thought of it that way how to have fearlessly curious conversations in dangerously divided times, is one of the big reasons I even embarked on my empathy research and the work that I continue to do the speaking that I continue to do. So, welcome to the podcast.

 Monica Guzman  04:58

Thank you so much for having me. Thank you.

Maria Ross  05:00

It’s great. And we talked about I think our paths crossed in Seattle at some point between 2007 and 2012. So, I know I had heard about you and the amazing work that you’ve done. So, tell us just briefly your story, and how you got to this work about helping people embrace curious conversations with people that are different from them or have a different worldview.

 Monica Guzman  05:27

So, for me, a lot of how I got to this point, is a clarification of my own personal mission. I got into journalism right out of college thinking, oh, it’s because I love to interview people. It’s because I love to talk to people. And I’ve realized over time that what it is, is that I really, really love trying to help people understand each other. That was what drew me to journalism to begin with. And it is what then pulled me from just straight journalism to this kind of deeper, more comprehensive work of how do you help a society that feels broken in its ability to communicate, honestly, candidly, across disagreement, be able to do that.  So, that they can see the world as it is, instead of you know, what we’re doing, which is often being in our silos and having this fractured lens color, everything. So, the two main reasons that the two main threads that led me to write the book, one was my journalism, I really care about people understanding each other, so many of our deepest conflicts and impasses when we try to thrive as a society, I think, boiled down to that. But also, my personal story. So, I am a Mexican immigrant like my parents, they voted for Donald Trump, both in 2016 and 2020. I voted for Clinton, and then Biden, you can imagine the the political divide in our family and how it’s manifest. But the the, I guess, extraordinary thing, is that I’ve gotten to the place where I can say, not only that, I understand why they made a very different choice for me that I found, like, wow, like I couldn’t even imagine, but also that if I were them, I would have made the same choice.

Maria Ross  07:16

Interesting. Well, and context is everything right? And that’s really about us keeping ourselves in silos and the continued polarization is what prevents us from having the conversations to still disagree, because empathy is not about agreeing with people. But it’s about giving people space to be heard. So, at least you go, I still don’t agree with you. And I don’t agree with that method. I don’t agree with that budget proposal. I don’t agree with that strategy. I don’t agree with that political candidate. But I understand why you do. I understand your, your, your background, your context, how you’re seeing the situation. And so at least now that we might be understanding each other as humans, maybe there is a way forward together, where at least now we’re talking right, you can’t have a negotiation if there’s no talking,

 Monica Guzman  08:07

Right? Because what’s been have happening is this dynamic, where we’re judging each other more, while engaging each other less. So, play out that movie. And these these things happen, where engagement becomes more and more like unappetizing. And even you start to think it’s evil. It’s bad. If I even have this conversation, I’m, I’m compromising my own values. I’m, I’m giving up on my community, I’m condoning horrible ideas. And so, a lot of these kinds of barriers have really implanted themselves in the consciousness of some corners of our discourse. And so that’s how deeply fractured we are. I mean, it’s one thing to disagree and be like, I’m annoyed, I don’t want to talk to you right now or all of that. But to start to believe that even hearing your story is evil. When we start getting close to that, that’s a red alert. That’s a that’s a red alert, right? Like, we’re, we’re what’s going on here? How can we see each other for who we really are? And how can we get away from what I think of as the three like these three sorts of fundamental untruths where we, when we’re in the depths of a bad disagreement, we want to believe so badly, we want to believe that the other person is evil, or crazy, or stupid. And then there’s a fourth one, the fourth one is they’re wounded, they’re wounded. But all four of those are basically us saying we’re better than them. 

Maria Ross  09:37

Yeah. 

 Monica Guzman  09:38

And you approach disagreement from that place. You won’t find understanding, you won’t. So, so much of the work is sort of internal first. Empathy is easier to sort of rationally understand and to put into practice, because it has to start inside.

Maria Ross  09:53

Absolutely. And I have a bunch of questions for you. We could probably talk for two hours, but I know we don’t have that much time. I’m just going to jump to something that I struggle with, which is what what happens when the disagreement gets to a point where it’s not just that you see things differently, or you’re, you know, debating over a policy decision, but where you question if the person in front of you views humanity in a different way, which I think is a lot of the struggle with the political discourse. It’s not so much about like, I don’t like how you approach financial budgeting within the government. Fundamentally, it’s a disagreement over policies and how humans are treated. Is there space, to have those conversations and still accept someone’s worldview? If you feel that they don’t value humanity in the same way that you do? Oh, that’s fascinating.

 Monica Guzman  10:49

That’s such a great question. So it’s funny because the word humanity is it’s in my head, so clear, and yet so vague. People all mean such different things when they say humanity, but when we talk about valuing, or seeing humanity, we each have a picture of that that is uncompromising, if you don’t see humanity, if I have made the conclusion about you, based on something you’ve said, or a conversation, or something I know about you that you don’t see humanity the way I do, it becomes easy to say, something is severely wrong with you. So, so I guess that’s one thing that I would say as well, I would start getting curious about what is meant by humanity? And would that other person have the same definition. But stepping back to something maybe more practical for that moment, in a conversation? I have found that one of the most powerful questions, the most powerful questions that actually gets great information from the other person that leads to understanding and also avoids judgment, because judgment is always at the ready, right, in these sorts of moments, is asking people what concerns them. So, you find that impasse, and you start to think, Pan, they just don’t see humanity the way I do, they don’t share my values that are so obviously, like, the values we need as human beings. So, you’ll, you’ll be tempted to do a bunch of things, but what I would encourage you to do is to ask them for what concerns them. So, as we’re talking about this, I’m getting curious, what ultimately worries you about about what’s going on? What are you afraid of, if we go in this direction, or in that direction, like make an observation and ask about their concerns, you might be surprised you might get, you might get stuff you didn’t see coming. For example, if I can give a quick example. Down in Sherman County, Oregon, second smallest county, very rural, very agricultural, I led a group of mostly liberals from Seattle, who went down because we wanted to get curious about people who had made a different political choice with people who’d made a different political choice. And so, asking what concerned them, you know, as they made a choice to vote for Donald Trump, in the 2016 election, surfaced something completely surprising, which is the waters of the United States rule? Have you ever heard of that? I had worked and not know, turns out it’s federal policy, that if if misinterpreted, a very big concern from farmers was, if they the federal government might choose to decide to use this rule to claim that they can run land just as soon as some pond appears when it rains really hard. So, a lot of farmers voted for Trump, because of those kinds of economic reasons, business reasons, the Republicans understand the farm and agricultural world and everyone else is not. And I remember that a lot of liberals who had gone down we just assumed, you know, they’re, they don’t see humanity the way we do. Because if they if they saw humanity the way we do, they wouldn’t have voted for Donald Trump. But it turns out there were pieces we were missing. Hmm. And there, they had other concerns that we hadn’t, we didn’t even care about, we didn’t even know they existed.

Maria Ross  13:52

Right? 

 Monica Guzman  13:53

This is the thing, that if we don’t engage across disagreement, we risk not seeing variables that are really important to other people, and make for a far more honest accounting of everything that’s at play when people make decisions.

Maria Ross  14:09

Yeah, you know, it’s interesting. I’ve mentioned this in a previous episode that I did with Elisa camel heart page, I believe about how we bridge divides across political difference. And how you know, I have a very strong stance on common sense gun control as an example. But I actually spoke to someone close to me, who’s a police officer. And I was asking them about how they felt about concealed carry being removed or something else around being able to carry. And the viewpoint was so interesting to me. It was it was something I’d never considered, which was, he said, as a police officer, I can’t promise I’m going to get somewhere in time. And I would hate to leave somebody defenseless because I can’t get there to help in time. And so, it was just A very interesting viewpoint about the personal right and responsibility of carrying arms, I still believe and this is the thing, empathy is not about agreeing with people, I still believe in common sense gun control. But wow, that’s a completely different perspective than, you know, we just all need guns so we can kill people, right, which is no right point of the other side. And so, it was so poignant to me, because it was actually from a very heartfelt and unselfish place, that this person felt that we should have the right to carry guns and have them available. Because, man, I care about people. And I became a police officer and a first responder and what if I don’t get there in time? 

 Monica Guzman  15:40

Yeah

Maria Ross  15:41

Right? which says, pretty cool.  My spine.

 Monica Guzman  15:44

Oh, yeah. That’s a great example. But I love that. 

Maria Ross  15:47

Understanding what’s underneath things. And you can apply this to any disagreement at work with your neighbors, with your family, with your kids. But you know, it really, we really are polarized politically. So I’m so glad you’re kind of tackling this right now. You, I would like to understand with your book, which everyone needs to read, but especially, you know, with an election coming up with the Thanksgiving holidays coming up, what sets us apart from other books about bridging gaps and navigating difficult conversations, because I think luck. You know, thankfully, there’s been a lot written about that lately. But what sets your book apart, and your your thinking of it apart?

 Monica Guzman  16:26

Yeah, so a couple things coming up. Now. One is, there’s a lot of books about polarization and division that really focus on the problem and how we got here, four fifths of my book is solutions. It’s what you can do. It’s practical advice. Most of the chapters end with, here’s things, you can try eight things you can try, and I think you can try in your next conversation. But I think more meaningfully than that. I’m not focused on conflict and disagreement. I’m actually using as my North Star, curiosity, the power of curiosity, in my career as a journalist. Time and time again, I have been so surprised by what can actually become delightful in discovering somebody else’s story. And unpacking somebody else’s perspective. It’s, it’s not something that happens all the time. I’m not saying that it’s necessarily you know, what, like, wow, every conversation can be pleasant. No, not at all. Most will not be it’s a cross disagreement. But if if, if we switch our mindset from, I have to resolve a conflict, right to here’s this other person, I approach that person as I approach most people guessing who they are. We are all bottomless mysteries, assuming all kinds of things, right. But a lot of the book is about the difference between curiosity and certainty. The arch villain of curiosity, is certainty. Because if you think you know, you won’t think to ask. And for me, the biggest tragedy of our toxic polarization, whether it’s political, or in your workplace, or in your own life, is when you stop wondering what people are all about when you think you’ve got them pegged. There’s no such thing is having someone packed. No, we’re changing every day anyway. Like I’m married, you know, I’m about to celebrate my 12th anniversary with my husband. We have not run out of things to talk about, or like ways to be annoyed and mystified.

Maria Ross  18:31

Exactly are ways to argue about ways to disagree about things. Yeah. 

 Monica Guzman  18:34

Just the other day, he gave a political opinion when I was like, mad at him, because I didn’t already know that about him. You know what I mean? Yeah. So it’s like, it’s so funny that we choose sometimes to treat people like these finite things that we’re supposed to already have figured out. Or they’ll be confound us. You know.

Maria Ross  18:53

Yeah. 

 Monica Guzman  18:54

Confound us, we need to go read a thought piece. And then once we read this thought piece with all these statistics, well, now we have them figured out and now for sure, we know they’re stupid. It’s like, really.

Maria Ross  19:03

When you don’t take into account that people evolve, and we’ve, we all evolve. I mean, I used to be a very strong Republican, like, what I like to call rational Republican. But again, like, that’s an assumption I’m making, but I was very conservative in my thinking. And I have bucked the trend of as you get older, you get more conservative and as I’ve gotten older, I’ve actually gotten more progressive. So you know, it’s it’s a, we’re all evolving depending on what happens to us every day and in our lives and what we’re experiencing.

 Monica Guzman  19:35

Exactly, and that’s the key, the most powerful question you can really ask behind all the questions you’re actually asking is, where are you coming from?

Maria Ross  19:45

Exactly tell and I always say the magical phrase is Tell me more. Yeah, about that. So instead of meeting the statement, or the opinion, or the argument, if it gets to that point, with Well, here’s why I’m right. Then you’re wrong first. And it’s really hard. I have to bite my tongue all the time. But you know, interesting. Tell me more about that. Tell me more about why you think that. And you know, even your thing, I never thought of it that way. Tell me more. And I have found in business environments in meetings and contentious discussions and family debates. That’s just such a powerful way to get someone talking, and also help them feel heard, because part of the issue with that conflict is each side doesn’t think the other side is listening to them.

 Monica Guzman  20:35

Yes, exactly. And what is telling me more, if not the actual assurance that I’m here to listen, right? It’s awesome. And I’ve thought more and more about this since the book published that curiosity is this incredible form of caring? If I if I want to know more about you, oh, my goodness, what an honor. Like, like, you know, when somebody asks me about me, and actually keeps asking, and it’s in a generous spirit, and it’s in a curious tone, that I don’t think is covering for some condescension, because sometimes that’s what I do. And if we don’t, oh, my goodness, all anyone wants is to be seen, right and understood, it’s a gift.

Maria Ross  21:17

And there’s something very non antagonistic about those words, tell me more that I’ve used in workshops that I’ve run and meetings that I’ve run versus Why do you think that way? Because if you say that with the wrong tone, it’s already layered with judgment. So

 Monica Guzman  21:31

Absolutely right.

Maria Ross  21:32

I would like to talk quickly about your statement about no politician, group or institution can bridge us the way that one on one relationships? Well, and I know that’s part of the work that you do with braver angels. So, we should talk about that as well. How did you come to believe that? And how does that inform the work of braver angels? Which, you know, please tell us more about that organization?

 Monica Guzman  21:55

Yeah. So, we do look at our institutions as we should, I mean, we’ve set them up to serve us, whether it’s media or politics. These are in some ways, a lot of the institutions that are implicated in our polarization, institutionally systemically, right, we see those forces at play. What I think has been unfortunate is that we begin to think that the only place where change can happen happen substantially is at that institutional level, that we have to wait for some kind of miracle politician to come and just show us the way or, you know, for the media to figure itself out all of a sudden, and like, suddenly, you know, just help us tell more responsible stories, and when I mean, they’re doing their best. But I am a huge, huge believer to my core, that it’s ultimately about culture and culture is this. It’s so annoying culture is so annoying, because no one can predict or control it at all. We try, we can’t do it. But what we do know is that it is the sum of all of us. That’s all we know. And so. So, I don’t see politics or media changing unless we’re changing. And I don’t see us changing, unless we’re doing it at that minuscule one to one conversation level, the level that we think doesn’t matter is where it matters. And one of the reasons that I know that is because the only honest conversations, I shouldn’t say the only but by far most of the honest, candid, open transformative conversations that I have are one to one. I mean, that that’s where people, that’s where the likelihood of you’re actually getting to understanding and trust is highest. So we need to be using that. That is our deepest, richest toolbox and context. But I think that we’re scared, and it’s it feels so hard. And so, we’ll do anything to avoid that. You know, like some people, it’s like, you know, you fight polarization by reading about it and understanding it as a problem, but then not doing anything in your own life. Well, it’s like, oh, yeah, actually, this has to be a practice, not a theory. It has to be a practice.

Maria Ross  24:11

And is that the philosophy behind braver angels and just briefly tell us what the organization facilitates?

 Monica Guzman  24:19

Yes. So braver angels is the nation’s largest grassroots nonprofit working to depolarize America. We’ve been at it since just after the 2016 election. It started with a workshop led by a renowned family therapist, like a guy good at divorce. And it was a workshop between 10 Trump voters and 10 Clink Clinton voters that went more phenomenally than anyone had imagined, even though it was able to contain anger and tension. And I’ve talked to the therapist that read that. I mean, that led led the conversation, you know, and he was like, there were a couple moments. I wasn’t sure we were going to figure this out. But then they did. And so they It began with that one workshop it is now we have on our menu, something like 50 workshops are programs that are targeted at this kind of progression. One of our workshops called depolarizing, within, and it’s about becoming conscious and aware of our own assumptions and how they get in our way, if we want to have more depolarizing conversations, then there’s skills for bridging the political divide, then there’s our famous red blue workshop, which has been studied by Brown University has been demonstrated to actually decrease hostility across the political divide, you get to witness ordinary people on the other side, being humble about their own side being critical about their own side, which is something that is sorely lacking, right. And it goes on and on and on, I can tell you way more. But yes, this idea that it has to be a practice is, is very much at the heart of braver angels, because because it’s not any we can make it an intellectual exercise, we can make sure the influencers you know, share memes about it, but at the end of the day, it’s it’s something you have to experience in at a time that’s this divided. For a lot of people we’ve really lost hope. But if but if they’re in that room, and they see it, and they go, oh, wait a minute, I had no idea that someone on the other side might think that way. What else am I wrong about?

Maria Ross  26:11

Right? Right. And it gives you back that growth mindset that learners on set, like you said, not that certainty. And you are probably already familiar with Edwin Ruch, who runs the building a culture of empathy. He does empathy circle training for people all over the world. He does it for free. And he has trained now 1000s of people on what’s, you know, I highly recommend it to everyone. I’ve talked about him on my show before I’ve had him on the show before. But it’s a very intense isolation of your active listening muscle. And he does these trainings over the course of several weeks, you can sign up for a cohort at empathy circles.com. But he was featured in a few documentaries, because they brought these circles to the most divisive political rallies we had after 2016, he was featured in a documentary called Trump phobia. And they brought into these empathy tents at these rallies. One person from one side of the spectrum, one person from the other side of the spectrum, and got them to talk and actively listen to each other. And they didn’t walk away agreeing, but they walked away hugging, seeing each other as human beings Exactly. And he’s doing it one person at a time, one group at a time, just like braver angels, because it’s always that thing where the quote unquote other side is this big amorphous mob that you picture, you think they’re homogeneous, you think they’re all the same. But then there’s always the exception of like, Oh, but I know this one person over here, and they’re really nice. And I love how they treat their family. They’re just a really good guy or gal. And in your mind, you think of them as the exception to the rule. Because they’re the one you know, but it turns out, there’s probably more people like them that believe those things or come from that country, or you just, it’s, it’s so interesting about that when it becomes personal. That’s when it’s important. There was a new story on NPR several months ago, and I’m going to butcher the, the citation of this. Apologies to you as, but there was a town in Wisconsin that voted. With Trump years ago, they they tried to pass some really harsh legislation around immigrant families. And then the town, they are they were actually trying to kick people out of the town that were, you know, seeking asylum or whatever. And then someone realized this one immigrant that they all knew and love.  I remember this. Impacted by this, right? I do. And then they changed their tune, because all of a sudden, they were like, oh, no, not this person. We know this person. He’s a beloved part of this community. Oh, I didn’t realize these are the people we were fighting against, and how it was impacting them. And it was, it was beautiful, the way the town rallied around it. And and, you know, fortunately, unfortunately, it took them knowing this one person, for them to see that, oh, this actually has deeper impact than I thought it might have had.

 Monica Guzman  29:14

Right. And it demonstrates how we work relationship is so, so important. And I think we often get stuck on this idea that being smart, and good. And right means only employing our reason. You know, like give me give me all the arguments and everything. And they’ll just talk about it on social media and like, we’ll just suss it out that way. But if you don’t include relationship if you don’t include getting to know that someone else has concerns far beyond this idea where you disagree. You forget you forget what connects us. And I know that sounds corny, but it’s actually essential, I think about how trust and truth are two different operations both critical for our healthy social functioning. So, I get asked this question a lot. What happens when you’re in a disagreement? And you realize that the other person is just not even telling the truth? They’re both they’re believing some conspiracy theory is that when you can’t agree on facts, the facts are just wrong. And and for a lot of people, there’s almost like a moral end of the conversation right there. How can you possibly move on? If you continue? Then what are you endorsing lies? What does that even mean? And we’re all very, like lost in that puzzle. But but for me, the framework is searching for truth. And searching for trust, are both incredibly important. If you get to a point in the conversation where you realize you don’t have the same facts, you’re going to be tempted to tell them, You’re wrong. Oh, my gosh. And then just kind of like, send a bunch of articles their way, I had one person, tell me show me this text thread that he did with a friend, like an old high school friend and the other side. And he showed me the whole thing. He goes, Monica, I don’t know why this didn’t work. We kept trying to understand it, and nothing happened. And I went through it right. And I asked him, well, what was your method? He’s like, well, my method was to inform. My method was to infer, I send them article after article that he refused to read. And he sent me articles I used to read. Like, yeah, when you when you disagree on facts, it’s like, all we want to do is double down on facts and like, correct other people. But actually, the thing to do is to go have a completely different conversation. Go back to talking about what concerns people. Go, go to try to have a conversation about values. And, and leave the facts over here, just put them to the side, you are not going to be the person who convinces this other person that their facts are wrong, if you’re coming at them, telling them that that’s the case. And you also have to be humble enough to realize, maybe on this factual thing, you’re right. But what are you missing in the truth about the other person’s story? Right? Because we, we want to feel all superior, I have the facts. They don’t well, there’s nothing they can teach me at this point. That’s wrong. There’s something in their experience, every human being has a life story. And we are all equally knowledgeable and wise, as people who have lived lives. So, look for the truth in their story and in their concerns. And leave that leave the thing about facts to the side, because we’ve got to build trust before we can build truth. But is the ultimate goal there to eventually at? Will I always I say this, not every not every debate has to have a goal of swaying the other person.

Maria Ross  32:23

Right. Can you have a conversation and walk away? You know, someone asked me, Is it okay to say we agree to disagree? Or is that a cop out? And I said, well, it’s not if you’ve had the conversation. How do you feel about that? Is it okay to agree to disagree? Because at some point, you have to you have to wrap up that conversation? How do you

 Monica Guzman  32:43

Yeah

Maria Ross  32:43

I think for people going into like, the contentious Thanksgiving dinners where there’s different politics involved or whatever. 

 Monica Guzman  32:49

Yeah 

Maria Ross  32:50

What what do you recommend for people as the closure for what feels like an endless loop? You might be in in a conversation with someone politically?

 Monica Guzman  32:58

What a great question. I think that agree to disagree, set in the right tone, can be kind of fun, and sort of release the tension that needs to be released, I guess, if if someone says agree to disagree, and it’s a way of shutting the other person up, or of trying to pretend that they’re not in it to actually convince the other person, then people can usually see through that. Right. Right. But but as a candidate, sort of what I’ve what I think it really means, but it’d be too many syllables to say is, I accept you for now, even though we are clearly different on this. On this, yeah, but I accept you.  Right. Which is really the hardest and most radical. Right. Is is can you accept someone who believes something you believe is wrong? Can you accept that they are human and that they are valid as as as a person with a different opinion? And then and then what gets fun is like, then you go to the activist mindset, right? Like the the activist that we need, right? We always need people to try to change the world, we got to make it better. So, so then it’s like, does acceptance that another person have a different opinion mean that I have given up on trying to make the world a better place? And I think a lot of people also get lost there.

Maria Ross  34:07

Yes. And that’s where I struggle, because you keep hearing it’s your responsibility to stand up, it’s your responsibility to stand up against racism and and, and non-facts or you know, a different version of the truth or to correct people. And so, but what I hear you saying, and that I think is great advice, again, going into the holidays, is you can you can close those conversations out with, I love you for who you are. And I accept you for who you are. And we’re family and we’re you know, we’re friends. And I love you for who you are. And it doesn’t mean you have to give up the fight on whatever other front you’re fighting it whether you’re protesting or you’re donating money or you’re donating time or skills to the organizations that align with your values. But do you really have to continue that fight in a conversation with someone you care about with a family member. So, do I hear you write in that?

 Monica Guzman  35:05

Yeah, no, I think I think that’s good hang. Yeah, I think it can hang in. And what I’m realizing thank you for this is that, you know, there’s something if you are able to make a closing kind of statement that conveys a curiosity and a continuation. I, you know, I’d love to talk about this at another time, too, when we, when we have more time. I’d love to hear more about x. That would be cool. Just earlier today, I was on an event where somebody said that they had come to believe that, that democracy was sort of like, the male was kind of cementing male dominance. And they just kind of said that and then moved on. And I was just like, I have to know what I’m doing. Or like what they mean by that, right? Because I have all these assumptions of what they mean. But I don’t know. So, I gotta go and figure that out. So, I so I told them at the end of the conversation, I really want, I hope we get a chance to talk again. But but I did it from this place of genuine enthusiasm, because I really want to know what they meant, right? So there’s a lot that we can stay open about, right. And we don’t have to jump to our judgments. And since we don’t have to jump to our judgments, we can say, I hope that this conversation continues past the pie.

Maria Ross  36:16

Right? Because if we can continue talking, then there’s hope that we can continue working together. It’s when you completely stop talking that everything is going to break down. That’s exactly right. Yes. Now I know you have to go and I’ve kept you longer than I was allowed. I have so many more questions, but I’m just going to direct people to check out your book. I never thought of it that way how to have fearlessly curious conversations in dangerously divided times. I assume it’s available and all the places all the places you can find their favorite books. All your links will be in the show notes, Monica. Thank you so much for your time today. And just really quickly, where can people find out more about you and more about braver angels.

 Monica Guzman  36:55

Yes, moniguzman.com for me; Braverangels.org, for braver angels, which has 78 local chapters across the country. And you can also find me @Moni Guzman on Instagram and Twitter. 

Maria Ross  37:07

That’s M-O-N-I, yes. 

 Monica Guzman  37:09

M-O-N-I-G-U-Z-M-A-N

Maria Ross  37:11

Perfect. And if folks are interested in how to maybe get braver angels to do something in their town, or for their organization, they can find all that at the site, right?

 Monica Guzman  37:18

Yeah, yeah, go on the site, look at the map. Figure out your local state coordinators and give him a ranking ring.

Maria Ross  37:20

I love it. Well, I hope this is the start as of us having more conversations together off air because I am loving your work. Thank you so much for your time and insights today. We loved having you. And thank you everyone for listening to another episode of the empathy edge podcast. As always, you know, if you loved it, read and review it, share it with your friends. And until next time, please remember that cashflow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™
Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

David Weissman: From MAGA to Jewish Liberal Progressive

Can we ever bridge our political divides here in the US? Every day, things seem to get worse. We argue over guns, abortion, civil rights, and whether removing state secrets from the White House and locking them in your safe at home constitutes a crime. But what would happen if people on both sides could engage in meaningful dialogue? What if we all took personal responsibility to spot the lies by getting curious and doing our homework?

Today, I got to talk to a Twitter influencer I’ve been following for some time now, David Weissman. David and I discuss his story and how he grew up only consuming Conservative information and assumed it was all true. How we believed Democrats were trying to hurt this country and the shared values that attracted him to Trump’s campaign in 2016. David talks about how one Twitter conversation with actress and comedian Sarah Silverman sparked his curiosity to dig deeper into the Constitution and pundit claims, where he realized how many fear-based lies he had been told. Having stood in both camps, I ask him what we should know about why the Conservative message resonates with people, and how he thinks we can find common ground one empathetic conversation at a time.

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • Kindness and civil conversation will go further than name-calling or mudslinging ever will, regardless of which side of the conversational divide you are on. 
  • The magic of empathy is that if we can really deeply listen and understand that we can deeply listen without agreeing with each other, initially, we can at least have a conversation. 
  • People will not always change what they believe even when faced with facts. They have to be willing to change, do their own research, and see things from a different perspective.

“No one tried to convert me, and that made me more curious and made me want to ask questions.”

—  David Weissman

About David Weissman: Army Vet, Former Trump Supporter Turned Jewish Liberal Democrat, and Political Opinion Writer

David Weisman is an Army Veteran, having served throughout the US and overseas for 13 years in Germany and Afghanistan as a Chaplain’s Assistant. He has politically gone from Republican Conservative to Tea Party to MAGA to Independent and now Jewish liberal progressive. By sharing his journey of curiosity about the differences between the Democrat and Republican agendas, he’s gained a huge following on Twitter, more than 300k followers. He uses that platform to share information, engage in dialogue, and ask questions.  David is currently getting his college degree in social work at the University of Central Florida.

Connect with David:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/davidmweissman

References Mentioned:

“I Thought Trump Was for Me. Now I’m Organizing Against Him”, by David Weissman, Forward

Where the Jan 6 Insurrection Investigation Stands: One Year Later, NPR. FBI tapes of Danny Rodriquez.

Bag Man, podcast series by Rachel Maddow, MSNBC. 2018.

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria’s brand strategy work and books: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

 Can we ever bridge our political divides here in the US? Every day, things seem to get worse. We argue over guns, abortion, civil rights and whether removing state secrets from the White House and locking them in your safe at home constitutes a crime. But what would happen if people on both sides could engage in a meaningful dialogue? What if we all took personal responsibility to spot the lies by getting curious and doing our homework? My guest today proves that empathetic engagement, not name calling can help. I’ve been wanting to do this interview for a long time to better understand the motivations of Trump supporters. And today I got to talk to a Twitter influencer I’ve been following for some time. David Wiseman. David is an Army veteran, having served throughout the US and overseas for 13 years in Germany and Afghanistan as a chaplains assistant, which I will explain in this episode. He’s politically gone from Republican conservative to Tea Party, to Magga supporter to independent and now self-proclaimed Jewish liberal progressive by sharing his journey of curiosity and fact finding. He’s followed by more than 340,000 people on Twitter. He uses that platform to share information, engage in dialogue and ask questions. David’s currently getting his college degree in Social Work at the University of Central Florida. David and I discuss his story and how he grew up only consuming conservative information, and assumed it was all true how he believed Democrats were trying to hurt this country and the shared values that attracted him to Trump’s campaign in 2016. I even asked him what he thought about Trump’s campaign behavior, which included mocking some veterans. David talks about how one Twitter conversation with actress and comedian Sarah Silverman sparked his curiosity to dig deeper into the Constitution and pundit claims, which he realized how many fear-based lies he had been told. Having stood in both camps, I asked him what we should know about why the conservative message resonates for people and how he thinks we can find common ground one empathetic conversation at a time. A note about this episode, I’m pretty vocal about my stance on certain issues. But this was not meant to be a conversion episode to flip anyone politically. In fact, I share that I was once a conservative Republican. Rather, this episode is about understanding people who may or may not see the world the same way you do. And the dangers on any issue of being in a bubble where the truth gets distorted, and paints the other side as the enemy most. We share how respectful dialogue is really the way to gather information and build bridges. I truly believe David’s story will stay with you. Stay tuned.  

Maria Ross  05:17

Welcome to the empathy edge. David Wiseman, this has been such a long time coming. I’m such a fan. And I’m so honored and excited that you’re joining us here on the empathy edge to really help us put ourselves in another person’s shoes, especially crossfire very, very deep. US political divides right now. So, thank you for being here and spending time with us today.

 David Weissman  05:40

Thank you, Maria. Thank you for having me on.

Maria Ross  05:43

So real quickly, for folks that don’t know you, as I know you, I know you from Twitter, because I started following you i and what how many hundreds of 1000s of followers do you have now?

 David Weissman  05:55

Three hundred thousand?

Maria Ross  05:57

Or, so follow you because of your great story and your passion for the truth, and your love for this country. So, just tell us quickly your story, your your history of military service and where you are now.

 David Weissman  06:13

Sure. almost 18 years old, at a high school, I joined the military to join the Army. I served for 13 years as a chaplain assistant. And when a chaplain assistant, this is protect the chaplain in combat, you know, that’s the main priority of what we do. We will also do other tasks, things like administrative skills, logistics peer counseling for soldiers are like the eyes and ears on the soldiers need it. So, it was a great job, right? Great career and my parents again, traveled all over the country station in Germany as well and points of innocence whites in prison compared to yours, and then out and I live in Israel for a few years and being Jewish, that’s another story was starting to come back to the States. And you know, I’m going to school kind of turn in a second chance. And I’m trying to get my life together and think I’m doing just that.

Maria Ross  07:21

Right. Yeah. And you’re studying now, you’re going to be pursuing a degree in social work at UCF. Yeah, Florida, that’s wonderful.

 David Weissman  07:31

Challenging me for veterans, you know, out of the military, and they can, you know, having a tough time trying to transition. And, you know, I learned a lot of lessons in my own life, sort of things, I mean, and decisions. And I mean, that I feel like everything I’ve learned, I can gain time for them, as well as making sure they get the benefits that they really deserve.

Maria Ross  07:56

Absolutely. Well, and I thank you for your service, of course. And this is what makes you so so wonderful to follow is that, you know, you are a veteran, you clearly have served this country you love this country. And I love in your you know, in your some of the articles that you’ve written and on Twitter, you talk about your evolution from being a very staunch Republican. And I think in one place I saw, you know, you went from Tea Party to Maga to independent to now you’re a liberal, a Jewish Liberal Democrat. And you have run the gamut. And I feel, you know, I feel a kinship with you a little bit not in similarity at all those things, obviously. But you know, I grew up very much just exposed to the conservative Republican point of view. And I’m sure you’ve read research as well, that says that as we get older, we get more conservative, and I have gotten more progressive. And you know, that’s why I feel this kinship with you of like, Oh, I’m not the only one that goes through this journey. So, tell us a little bit what what I find fascinating about your story is that you are very, very committed to Donald Trump and the Magga movement in 2016. I would like for all of us to understand, you know, what attracted you to that message, what resonated for you as as the party stance with him as a candidate? What What were you feeling about things and what wasn’t working for you at the time about government that made that such an attractive option?

 David Weissman  09:32

Sure. All I was Republican. You know, I was experimenting growing up and started for many years and when I was 18, you know, registered as Republican. I am lean, you know, from what I understand what Republican and conservative values were, a lot of it had to do with religion. As a pink part of it, I was a lot more religious. Growing up. And so yeah, that’s easy to get on. And, you know, and the thing is, like, even as a conservative, you think that, you know, other conservative pundits, or Republicans or, you know, officials, they believe in God, they believe in, you know, your values, all that you never think they would mind you or have a specific agenda. So, you know, I never really questioned it. And this sort of explain how right wing I was, you know, like I said, I was Tea Party. In fact, I actually, I actually want to pretend prison in primaries, I don’t often talk about it much when a socially and seeing how things turn out lately. When I was that right wing conservative, and, but there are there were a lot of similarities between him and Trump very similar messages. So, it was easy to Trump on the Trump train.

Maria Ross  11:02

So, so was it a values alignment for you? Or did you were you attracted to the vision about some of the other messages around, you know, controlling immigration or America first?

 David Weissman  11:14

Yeah, a lot of it was fear, indoctrination, immigrants, about Muslims about Democrats wanting to take their rights away. You know, I really thought Democrats were the enemy. One time I thought Obama was a Muslim. You know, a lot of it is very, like fear driven. When you listen to conservative media, buying, you can have like a terror attack that can happen, you know, across the country. And there’s like, a tiny minute, um, well, if I aren’t extremism, conservatives will take that and say, you know, this is Islam. And it’s like, you know, I was like, holy cow, and they really demonized slaying Democrats trying because 911 happened, and that was a huge know, it wasn’t bad. Of course, it was a bad incident to America, but seeing how Muslims were being treated, you know, in general, you know, as I see now, and I see how Democrats really trying to, like, you know, let Muslims get persecuted, or, you know, for your training and all that stuff. And, you know, what, you know, when I was in Poland in Australia, that was the only stuff I was paying, honoring, pandering to the enemy. You know, and, you know, we have Democrats or we, you know, we in China, in the military, sometimes and things like that, and then the same stuff that you see today. Oh, they want to take where on the planet? Yeah, my, my mistake was I would like some before I always took the conservative pundit word for it, you know, I, a lot of them. And I didn’t really read the fine print of the Constitution, like, you know, right to bear arms, I suppose. Like, okay, right, open your eyes and then things for me. The things for me, the fine print of that. So,

Maria Ross  13:12

Um, yeah. And when, you know, when there were so many scandals around Trump during that that campaign for example, when he was making fun of some service people when he you know, oh, called John McCain a coward. How did you feel about that as a veteran?

 David Weissman  13:27

Well, um, I kind of brushed it aside because McCain wasn’t asking you like, why conservatives because you work with Democrats and Republican work with Democrats. They’re considered rhinos and Republican and a moaning only a lot of conservatives want and conservative America may expect America to be a certain, a certain way, right? Somebody’s saying, you know, my insert privacy when and you know, and and to some extent people write it, you know, a lot of people don’t realize that.

Maria Ross  14:06

Did you brush it off when he was sort of mocking some military veterans that were of, you know, Islamic descent and all that. Did you just think it was that he was just being political? Like, how did you feel about that?

 David Weissman  14:20

I thought he has just been in survival by you know, making comments about you know, like, like Muslims at the time, so I kind of agree with him. Um, it even even when I was a chaplain assistant, and only had an Islamic chaplain and I kind of I, as bad as it sounds, I was getting very rarely given especially being Jewish as well. You know, I in an era of trust for Muslims. I never really took the time to get alone. My mother Hannah actually experience, afternoon dialogue. If we have Time I can share a little bit about that. Changing that as well. So yeah, I mean, it’s easy to like, like, laugh at their jokes or in Greenwich, I want to come as I was bullied, right? Because in the fear and consternation that sometimes for so many years. 

Maria Ross  15:18

Right, right, so it was it was aligning for you in the beliefs that you had had and what you’ve grown up with. And I’m curious, just because you know, you are a Jewish American. What about the rhetoric around like a Christian America? Did that ever rub you the wrong way? Or anything? It was better than the alternative of the other side? Like, how, how did you reconcile that in your head?

 David Weissman  15:42

Well, I like it. I mean, like, when I can tell I actually am religious beliefs. I was like, you know, there was little like, marijuana. But as far as like political evidence, or any very similarities, and you know, anything about abortion, you know, depending upon what’s sitting on or what person you listen to, like, the only justification for abortion is like, you know, mother’s life is in jeopardy. When she was like, locks. Early on it apparently like other sanctioned cronyism, so it was like, really very similar to Christianity in some aspects.

Maria Ross  16:23

Right. Right. Okay.

 David Weissman  16:25

I used to listen to guys like Ben Shapiro, Mark Levi, and other right wing Republican Jews, and similar conservative messages. Now and so you know, Americans, Judeo Christian country. So, so I, you know, so for so many years, I used to think like, you know, it was very similar on links. And, you know, anchor different local differences. Like what we’re like, again, and things like that. That’s not that’s actually often in northern Louisiana, really brought up on the Republican side from Republican Jews. And probably confession is when I really got into math with me. I mean, at least with my own experience, I can see. 

Maria Ross  17:07

Yeah, you were more you were more aligned around the political values and the political agendas then, and then sort of the religious stuff was well, to each their own thing. Yeah. Okay. I hear you, I hear you. So, obviously, you were you were very committed. I’ve seen you post photos on Twitter, have you in full Magga garb, you know, going to rallies or whatever. So what was the turning point for you? How did you start to open up to a different perspective, a different viewpoint? And if you can tell us a little bit about the Twitter exchange with the famous celebrity that helped spark that for you?

 David Weissman  17:44

Yeah, sure. I guess this very point. Was, was against on the initial dialogue, though. Sarah Silverman, and I had

Maria Ross  17:57

Sarah Silverman the actress and comedian,

 David Weissman  17:59

Correct. Yeah, she posted I guess, Kameni memes about like, Trump being Nancy or, and I was like, like, you know, I, you know, we’re just like, in my sort of sentence winner, cuz sometimes we try to get conservative, or conservatives will try to get little rules to every game. And saying, you know, and he told her, how do we allow people like, transcend Nazi offense, compared to Hitler to compare Trump to Hitler. Sorry about that. And you know, how to, you know, turn around until you know, when to do that, and then Chafee on and just sort of explain how common use and track the so it’s opinionated. And that explains Matt and well, that and so sharing spine. And so now, it’s kind of surprising, because normally, the typical response with me, blogging, or name calling or arguing socially, Ashley wasn’t like that. And so that kind of struck me off guard. And, and then I, for some reason, is that I’m kind of curious and like, wondering, you know, she responded, and I’m wondering why liberals believe it I think, as we do, or why she doesn’t like Trump, she is true us. Trump is pro-Israel, why not me? Because when you’re when you’re when you’re a right-wing Jew, Israel is like a huge talking point, like the security of Israel. And I know, I know, it is, I know, that’s a huge complicated issue. And then we’ll kradic party, but in public and sign up to watch. You know, it was pretty straightforward. So, I asked, like I mentioned, you know, screen and fellowship and like, when is this your support is, when does it support Trump? And then he explains to me why she doesn’t like it. Like him. And I explained to her why I didn’t and it was actually a civil discussion. And it was very rare. It’s better. And then, you know, and then I kind of You know, he was able to buy along. And like I said, I kind of, you know, my wall, I’ll limit them. Democrats were always the enemy, you know.  Right, right.

Maria Ross  18:00

Right.

 David Weissman  19:26

And the enemy. So, you know, I started asking her more questions about liberals, liberal values, and I started talking to others, the same people were seeing what’s going on with me. And is this Trump’s, we’re having a similar event with a liberal. So, I began to learn more about low values Summit, and they haven’t made any decisions to leave the republican party or any substance, or anything like that.

Maria Ross  20:40

Right. You were just you were just having conversations. And it sounds like, it sounds like empathy played a key role in you even being able to have those conversations because, like you mentioned it, she wasn’t name calling you she was just engaging in a dialogue with you genuinely, why do you believe what you believe? And here’s why I believe what I believe and what sounds like that opened the door to you at least? Well, first of all, you feeling heard, right? But also, to you being able to hear a different perspective without walking away. So, which is the magic, you know, why I do this work is the magic of empathy can actually if we, if we can really deeply listen and understand that we can deeply listen without agreeing with each other. Initially, we can at least have a conversation, which is what is so hard about this divide is the sides don’t even want to talk to each other right now.

 David Weissman  21:33

Right? And thing is like Sheena forced me to saying you’re wrong. You’re wrong, you know? I mean, I mean, iversity, liberals and Democrats so that, I mean, yeah, I mean, yeah, they might, they might have made me right. But sometimes that doesn’t always work when you try to have an interest in Yeah, or, I mean, she didn’t say that at all. In in one trying to convert me to you know, and it’s coming, I’m more curious and ask questions. And, and then, you know, I learned that Republicans were wrong, you know, about what was being done. It’s, you know, and, you know, I read the fine print of the Constitution, you know, well-regulated militia, and, you know, the rights that actually, you know, the Second Amendment right is right to bear arms. And it doesn’t say that, Oh, you have the right to own any kind of songs, I kind of, you know, what, that is true. And, you know, and read more on the AR fifteens. And learn, you know, they were actually weapons of war weapons aren’t meant for. And, you know, maybe, you know, pain should not be enhanced civilians in so, you know, other you know, abortion, pro-choice, that’s a huge one is I know, conservative can hate Trump. I will vote for him because pro-life state, you know, so I, you know, and I learned, you know, why don’t Democrats don’t like abortion? I mean, don’t even call it Pro.

Maria Ross  23:08

Most women don’t want to have an abortion. I know. And the more the more you hear those stories from women that I think and I grew up with this to this picture painted, for example, about abortion is this image of a girl who’s been irresponsible about sex acts, and she’s doing this as a as a way to get out of it. But actually, the majority of abortions are, you know, different health situations, many married couples have had to make the decision about having an abortion with a baby, they want it right. And so, the more you hear those stories, ectopic pregnancies, women who had to start undergoing cancer treatment, the minute they found out they were pregnant, different, different issues like that different issues around you know, a baby being born with certain, like painful abnormalities that they’re only going to survive a couple of days after birth. Like what is so you you start to hear all these different stories and recognize that it’s not so black and white, right? It’s and it’s then it’s why it has to be so specific to those situations and pulling out from just abortion. It sounds like to me tell me if I’m wrong, having these empathetic conversations where you could be heard and not insulted, alright, enabled you or inspired you motivated you to go learn more, because you’re probably one of the few people that’s read the fine print of the constitution. So I love that that sparked for you not only that you felt heard, but it also motivated a desire to actually dig into the topics and learn more.

 David Weissman  24:47

Right? And I Ella and I learned not to always take a Punnett Square print is how my journey started is realizing that Republicans lie to stay in power. I that’s what I decided to leave their home. Pardon me, I was still a Trump supporter design. I mean, yeah, he was I found that he was a guy, I mean, a guy in a lot of things. He wasn’t perfect. I mean, sure. And he said, you know, Graham went, you know, and, you know, Assabet you know, and, and all kinds of stuff in the locker room. So, I, I’m gonna think that he would, you know, rank women or anything like that. And you know, as a conservative Julian’s bleep, in essence, know, from a guilty of saying, I really lean, you know, a while women kind of thing, you know, so, man in a lot, and I had no idea of any of his corruption from Trump boring, and I’m Russian. His history with Putin, any of that stuff, I had no idea. I just know him as an actor. He played in movies, games, millionaire, you know, it’s great for any economy. You know, Sean Hannity kept on saying at all, it’s fine. You know, it’s patriotic, and I didn’t know he was a tripod her. 

Maria Ross  26:03

Yeah. And that he had actually supported the Clintons. And when they were running, yeah.

 David Weissman  26:10

I don’t know, man, either. 

Maria Ross  26:12

He was he was a Democrat. And actually, I just recently read that the Clintons were at his third marriage at his wedding. So yeah, he was very tight with them for a long time. He was a Democrat. So it’s very interesting. or I shouldn’t say I don’t know, if he was actually a Democrat. I want to be factually accurate here. I knew that he supported some of those candidates. So, I don’t know what he was registered as. But so yeah, so it sounds like you really got your eyes open. And then what was actually, you know, you’re learning you’re getting more information.

 David Weissman  26:44

Yeah. So, I learned from other people, not just Sara, nine conversations offline as well with people about Trump’s history, and who he really was, and I was complaining for. And I think he like, you know, I mean, how’s he gonna be a track pattern? You know, and then that’s a huge thing. I mean, if I knew then, I mean, I could have made it happen. So, if I know that when I was a Republican, I mean, that’s almost like that huge thing, I think. And you know, all these eruptions and scandals and stealing charities. All thanks, stuff. And then I think what really put the nail in the coffin was Helsinki when he met with Putin, behind closed doors, and even today, we still have no idea what was said between them in see how things are with Russia now and how things are, I mean, is a huge national security threat for the country. You know, it’s it’s been FBI finding documents from the White House, you know, and this is one of the classic special violations. Many years ago. 

Maria Ross  28:01

What, what for you, because there’s so many at least, looking at it from the, you know, when folks like me who had never supported him, look at it from the outside looking in you, you did your homework, and you believed the facts presented to you. In your opinion, what do you think? Is it about the core group of diehard Magaz that, you know, we could have a videotape of Trump going, I did it. I did everything I lied, I stole state state secrets, I sent them to Russia, they still wouldn’t believe it. What, what do you think was the difference for you of like, you believed what you read, and you were seeing what you were learning versus the people that even when the facts are presented to them? won’t believe it? Like I think that’s the million-dollar question that people have about Magga supporters is even when presented with the evidence, they explain it away. 

 David Weissman  28:55

I think, I think I learned how Republican Party it’s so it was like liars, wins is BS. Anyone needs some form was a lie based off lies. And I think that’s kind of helped me see who Trump is. I mean, he didn’t really hated it. I don’t think he really changed the Republican Party or he just basically exposed to the RAS right. I mean, once they. So, I think with me, seeing that first vote, Republicans seen evidence all difference between 10 News and Trump. You know, I think that’s a better for me. And as I learned, probably other Trump voters haven’t seen it, and they still have the fear of Democrats. You know, they always go What about Hunter Biden? What about Hillary Clinton? What? No, yeah, wait, no, we don’t want to look at their own house. So.

Maria Ross  29:58

Right. 

 David Weissman  29:59

So

Maria Ross  29:59

Right. So, do you is do you feel like part of your mission is to? Or maybe it’s not? Do you talk with other Republican supporters, Maga supporters and try to? Do you even try to showcase this? Do you try to like, listen to them the way somebody listened to you? Like, how do you go about trying to build those bridges?

 David Weissman  30:22

Isn’t rough years, you know, I find them try. I mean, I was the one at one point I was angry and realizing how I was wanting to well, pond pump and trade. And then you know, and, and so it was kind of hard to, like, nice. I then, you know, I think, you know, sometimes I might impart vengeance on my own, and I kind of realized I made mistakes, you know, going through this process, because it was, it felt like a huge worldview change. And then there are times where, you know, when Trump was or saw that I was, you know, having someone sessions with Democrats call me trainer call me this and that, and it got bad to the point getting into my personal life. Mine and my situation like in that and how my ex-wife has a Trump supporter, that’s a completely different story there. But so, you know, they’re, they’re really hard moments when they’re in good moments. And I, you know, I still feel like, you know, you shouldn’t dialogue I feel, and I admire the heck out of paint penetrant who posing FoxNews? Because, you know, those are the people that need to hear all the facts, those are the people near near. So, what’s really going on with situations? Because, you know, I mean, I, I know, a lot of tweets of mine, where I, where I asked questions, and you know, a lot of it is rhetorical, you know, and I’m followed by people, all kinds of background. So, you know, I know it No, notice, these are tweets, that was one of the things I learned about Twitter is like, you never know, if it’s watching or no one’s paying attention. So, you know, I, you know, you know, I don’t know if I’m converting any money. But, you know, I might, you know, it’s worth a shot. 

Maria Ross  32:12

You know, right, you’re just gonna continue to talk about what you’ve learned and share your truth and take that approach instead of trying to convert everybody. Right?

 David Weissman  32:22

Right. And I know what mine can annoy my talking about wine turning you into a when I think it was just born. It was important to me, and I think, you know, emotion here more?

Maria Ross  32:33

Well, and I think we should talk about the fact you know, I, again, I want to mention this, like, I have family and friends that are that are Republican, they’re not Trump fans. But there’s more the classic moderate Republicans around policy issues and around whatever, and they’re good people. Yeah, and they’re good people. And so you know, that’s the thing we try to we divide ourselves into these black or white based on labels, but there’s all these shades within, you know, even even demp the Democratic side, there’s super, super progressive liberals. And there’s more moderate, right. And it’s the same as true. It’s, it’s not necessarily that, oh, you’re Republican, you’re bad or Oh, you’re Democrat, you’re getting into that conversation of, you know, what are the things you believe, I feel like the very vocal faction that are huge supporters of, of Trump and will constantly make excuses for the things, the crimes he’s committed for, quite frankly, I feel like that’s such an extremist arm of that party. And I’m just, you know, my, my prayer, and my hope is that the moderate side wins out so we can go back to having healthy debates about issues where both sides are, are presented, and it’s not just like, crazy, crazy people, right?

 David Weissman  33:52

I mean, it does seem I mean, I really hope that would happen, but it doesn’t seem like it is ever seen, like an error. What happened in Arizona, why in Wyoming elections, Republican wins, so I’m really, you know, this is kind of troubling. I mean, when I was when I was a Republican, you know, can faction cannot was sold law, I mean, even even Trump or Trump errs, like, call them they were kind of extreme. So, there are certain kinds of levels of conspiracies like, right, you know, I believed in the emails, you know, I knew I wanted Hillary Clinton to be accountable for emails in passing and things like that, like the whole pizza gate thing, you know? Yeah. A lot of us knew that it was, you know, it was pretty easy. But we you know, yeah, we played in a while again, and you know, the Fast and Furious scandals and all that stuff. So, men and I how I see how Republican Party is turning and it’s mind boggling to see how Canada room together Uncle or stick an ordinary political party. I mean, never in a million years would I ever it’s thought there and probably begins when the men and overthrow the election process. explain something the Republican Party was always about the Constitution.

Maria Ross  35:19

Exactly. I was going to bring up I heard a podcast on NPR that I will the name is escaping me. I do this all the time. I mentioned a podcast I heard and then I forget on the air what it was, but I will find it. I was listening to an NPR podcast where they were interviewing the son of Guy refet, the person, the guy who got turned in for his role in January 6 by his son. And also they talked to Danny Rodriguez, who was one of the people at the Capitol. And he was in tears over he got convicted for something around it. And he was in tears, because he was saying, I really thought I was the good guy. I thought that we were doing what was right to protect this country. And then I think back to what I did, and how I harmed. But he he’s the one who tased, the police officer and got jail time for it. He’s like, and he said, I can’t believe I was so caught up that I would do that to an officer of the law. But I really thought I was the good guy at the time. So did it did it kind of feel that way in the beginning that you for you like we’re on the right side of this not the right conservatively but the right versus wrong side.

 David Weissman  36:32

It’s so true. I mean, maybe we felt, you know, mad liberals and Democrats were the bad guy is the enemy of America. So, I haven’t been swore I you know, make the last is Who is this bank? Alaska, he has a problem? 

Maria Ross  36:52

No, I don’t. 

 David Weissman  36:54

He got arrested in one of the prime ways I got arrested in my tweet, because I actually still up. And I can show you after we get off air, you know, or, you know, but you know him and I work out differences. With me being Jewish, and him being a Nazi. And, you know, I send my own words like there’s war coming. You know, I stay with me the last that is times me and like the right. So, it’s, you think instead of smiling, this was fear in nature, we fear for our freedoms for our liberties, or our independence. And that’s why it’s so easy to believe that Democrats were the bad guys. And you know, so people ask me what I am. What I mean, in January 6, if I was Trump supporter, I showed them that tweet, and that answers that question for them. So, yeah, I mean, it’s a completely different worldview. Describe it. 

Maria Ross  37:56

Right, right. So, what do you think is the most important thing people need to know about Trump supporters? And, you know, whether whether they’re Republican or Democrat, like what what do you think people need to know about what their what their goals and their their values are?

 David Weissman  38:16

I think they believe America needs to be a certain way. Namely, and I think many. Yeah, sure. Are there racist Trump supporters Absolutely. Is Trumpism. Even conservative ism, racist, in a way? Yeah, some aspects. But I think a lot of people don’t realize it is a racist mentality. A lot of people, you know, that women don’t realize they’re wrong, or not wanting gay marriage, or, you know, equality, LGBT, they really needed our Bible, that, you know, marriage was wrong, and something that was wrong. So, namely, in evangelizing plans, pods, where they, when they’re doing it for the country, what they don’t realize, but that’s not, that’s not who American really is. So, I think that’s why if you want to sit down and talk to Trump errs, trying to change their mind or open their views and gotta have no expectations, and I was talking about wanting to confirm that this happened on the sound foundation. Like how what happened with me, so, you know, one of them care about the country, kind of, we’re having some people in us both noise, you know, that it’s mad, or they’re being lied to, you know. 

Maria Ross  39:34

With in your opinion, could help with that. You know, I know that the more dramatic view that people took after, even after 2020 You know, when Biden won, I remember I said this, I was like, Yeah, I’m happy about it. But I don’t know how we deprogram 70 million people. So, do you think there’s any possibility of that? 

 David Weissman  39:56

Oh, yeah, of course. We want to has been a happy patient. Things, no expectations, show them the facts, to try to get them to stick on a soundtrack without letting them go well, what about in some way? Like sometimes like where I listen to people like try hard and work? What’s Republicans walk all awareness questions like knowing that it’s staying on the issue around questions. Trump’s White House documents when it’s home, like, don’t keep it like.

Maria Ross  40:36

Don’t let it stray. Yeah. And I think there’s also a place for, you know, also acknowledging the emotion around it, because I feel part of the challenge has been and again, this isn’t about trying to indoctrinate Republicans to vote Democrat, but that’s not necessarily what we’re talking about here. We’re talking about extremists.

 David Weissman  40:56

This is why 

Maria Ross  40:57

Yeah

 David Weissman  40:58

Against slack from Democrats, when I promote Liz Cheney, you know, I was born in her a lot. Yeah, it’s like, it’s like, I know, I’ll never vote for her for President. But, you know, we should have Republicans who are respectable while in office. Right. Now, it’s no point worrying here agreeing to disagree.

Maria Ross  41:17

I remember. Like maybe 10 sometime last year, I listened to a podcast. It was a Rachel Maddow SIX series or eight series podcast called the bag man. And it was about Nixon’s vice president Spiro Agnew, and, and the very large role he played, he was actually sort of the brains behind the operation of a lot of what happened with with Watergate, as well as his own corruption scandals when he was in office in New York. And it’s, it’s fascinating if you ever get a chance to listen to it, because, first of all, you could have changed the names and it would sound like what was what’s been happening in our country the last few years. But the biggest thing that gave me hope about it was the chief prosecutors who eventually ended up forcing the resignation and especially the resignation of Spiro Agnew. We’re stuck staunch Republicans, and they got threatened. They got black balls, they got, you know, one of them even one of them had a brother, who the campaign and Agnew and those guys tried to turn made his brother tried to threaten the brother to drop the investigation. And he wouldn’t it was just he’s really principled, values driven people who said this is wrong. Like it doesn’t matter that we politically agree with this party. No one is above the law. And we have to at all costs to ourselves to our families, we have to make the truth known. And it was so heartening to, to hear that that they, you know, still kept the same political views their entire lives. But they were like, but no, that’s criminal. And that’s wrong. And it needs to be accounted for. And they were brave enough to stand up.

 David Weissman  43:04

Just like many of them, people who testified in the attorney ratings committee hearings, many of them were.

Maria Ross  43:11

Right. Right. And you think about so many of the people that testified during Trump’s impeachment hearings like Alexander vindman, that, that lost their careers, it’s like, they put their entire career on the line to tell their truth. And they paid such a price for it. And, you know, I just, I’m just thankful there’s people like that in the world. I don’t care. You know, I don’t care if it’s a Republican being impeached or democrat being impeached or someone I voted for being impeached, like people need to be held accountable, leaders need to be held accountable. Right. So, I think that’s where we met, maybe somehow we can find common ground is I think we all agree that no one is above the law. I think we all agree, we don’t want to jeopardize this country by having someone reveal state secrets to an enemy. I think we all agree, you know, and just maybe if we start the conversations from that, that common ground, which I always talk about in terms of one of the one of the habits of empathetic leadership and of strengthening your empathy is trying to at least figure out what you have in common before you move forward in the conversation about your different points of view. Absolutely. Yeah. So, so are you so like, kind of a yes or no? Or maybe Are you hopeful that the riffs can be healed? You can be honest.

 David Weissman  44:43

I mean, anything else possible? No, I don’t know. I I’m just getting imprinted into Spalding. But,

Maria Ross  44:53

yeah, yeah. Well, I’m hopeful too. And I just, we, I don’t know How it happens, but I’m hopeful we’ll we’ll find a way out of it at some point. So, so what’s next for you? You are you’re, you’re going to college or you’re studying to you’re studying social work? Are you going to continue to, you know, be on tour, you have a huge Twitter following. So, you are an influencer? Right? Are you going to continue to to use that platform for political awareness? Or how are you hoping to use that platform?

 David Weissman  45:24

Um, well, yeah, I have my own careers, social media career that I hope to pursue. And, yeah, I definitely plan to continue advocacy and trying to build bridges and try to anti along and hold people accountable, you know, all about winning and wrong. So, yeah, that’s not gonna stop, you know, politics are in the internal scene. I mean, I’m only 41. So, I’m still young.

Maria Ross  45:52

Awesome. And my big question is, did you ever get a chance to meet Sarah Silverman live or have a live conversation with her.

 David Weissman  45:58

Not yet.

Maria Ross  46:00

Not yet? Okay. 

 David Weissman  46:02

Maybe someday. 

Maria Ross  46:03

Awesome. Awesome. Well, that’s, that’s great that, that that’s just such a heartwarming story about how how just an empathetic conversation can have such a huge impact, so. 

 David Weissman  46:14

Yeah. And I think I’m sorry to interrupt you. But I think I know the one who was kind of confused with my training. It’s, she didn’t she isn’t cheating and hurt me to.

Maria Ross  46:25

No. Yeah, she just was like a spark. Right? 

 David Weissman  46:28

Yeah, I have some great last minute. 

Maria Ross  46:31

Absolutely, like to spark because it sounds like she sparked your curiosity to learn more, which is awesome and I love that. All right. Well, David, thank you so much. I’m gonna put links to a few of the articles you’ve written as well as all the things we talked about in our in our conversation today. You know, folks can obviously what’s your Twitter handle? We’re gonna have it in the show notes. But tell folks what your Twitter handle is?

 David Weissman  46:56

Sure. It is @David M. Weissman. W-E-I-S-S-M-A-N.

Maria Ross  47:02

Great. So, follow David on Twitter. He’s got great, insightful, compassionate, and thought-provoking tweets on there. And I really enjoy following him and it’s just been such a great joy to talk to you. One on One like this after following you on your journey for so long. Thank you for being here. Harris nation. Thank you for having me. And thank you everyone for listening to another episode of the empathy edge podcast. Please share it with friends, colleagues, anyone you think might be interested. And please don’t forget to rate and review it and let me know your thoughts. You can also DM me at Red slice Maria on Instagram or at Red slice on Twitter. And until next time, remember that cash flow creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Hot Take: Why Change is Hard – and How to Transform Despite the Pain

Today, Maria is not messing around! Learn why change is hard, even when it’s a good thing, and what you can do to break free of past habits. When infusing more empathy into your leadership, culture, or brand, you may face internal or external resistance – but that has nothing to do with whether you are going in the right direction or not. It’s a sign of transformation.

Hear how our brains work and why it is so painful to learn new skills and habits even when they benefit us. She shares what her brain injury recovery taught her about building new skills and strategies to get to success, how adapting to change is like learning to drive, and why the status quo is just easier on our brains. You’ll leave this episode fired up to evolve your leadership style and bring your organizations along with you to adapt and thrive in the modern business era.

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • You have to appeal to both emotions and logic. Logic and data are never going to be enough to get people to take action.
  • Change requires us to use the more conscious parts of our brains and does not allow us to operate on autopilot.
  • The friction you feel during change is not because you’re going down the wrong path, it is that your brain is trying to take you down familiar, habitual paths.

“If logic were enough, we would all embrace positive change with open arms.” —  Maria Ross

References Mentioned:

The Empathy Edge Podcast, Episode 117 with Melina Palmer, What Your Employees Need But Can’t Tell You

The Empathy Edge Podcast Episode 77 with Melina Palmer, Why Your Customers Can’t Tell You What They Want

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

Okay, for us, humans, change is so hard, even when it’s a welcome change. But why? Well, understanding how the human brain works helps solve this puzzle. I had the chance twice on the podcast to talk to Melina Palmer, an expert in behavioral economics and brain science. She shared research on both episodes, which I’ll put in the show notes about how our brains consist of the elephant and the writer. The writer is our conscious, logical data driven part of the brain. It knows what it needs to do and where it needs to go. But the elephant is more our subconscious and at times emotionally driven brain, it may decide where to go based on how it’s feeling, or what flowers smell nice, or hey, there’s a nice puddle to trudge through over there. Knowing that we have conscious and unconscious parts of our brains is nothing new. But when we apply that thinking to how people make decisions, how they can be moved to action or to new behaviors. We understand what’s missing when we unveil a grand new change on our teams and organizations, even when we try to sell others on a new idea. 

Through my brand strategy work, I’ve long talked about appealing to emotions as well as logic, and that we overestimate how compelling logic can be when persuading someone on a new idea. If logic and data were enough, no one would smoke, overeat, use drugs or drive drunk. And if logic were enough, we would embrace positive change with open arms. Who wouldn’t want to experience more joy and less pain? Who wouldn’t want to make their workplace more diverse and inclusive? Who wouldn’t want to choose collaboration over stalemates and infighting? And yet, see something Molina said in these episodes resonated so much with me as a brain aneurysm survivor, she talked about the fact that any behavior change, even ones that benefit us require us to use the more conscious parts of our brains, we have to pay more attention when we change habits. We have to learn new skills and rules. We don’t get to operate on autopilot anymore because we’re taking a new path. When I was in recovery after my ruptured brain aneurysm, I learned this lesson well. Things that had previously been so easy for me prioritizing, assessing inputs juggling multiple tasks, even memorizing names are now suddenly out of my grasp. Those executive functions had been impacted based on where in my brain that nasty little aneurysm burst, and where the bleeding had destroyed brain cells. That’s why fatigue is such a long lasting and common side effect of brain injury and stroke. But our brains, they’re miraculous. You’ve heard of neuroplasticity, this is where your brain creates new connections and pathways to get the same job done. But the result is that you’re no longer on autopilot. Your brain works harder because it’s learning again, for all intents and purposes, a new skill. Just like when you learn to drive right. You gripped that steering wheel you stared unblinking at the road. You diligently put your turn signal on, counted how many cars lengths were in front of you to keep your distance consciously check your mirrors. And you juggled all of this while still navigating to where you want it to go. It was a lot of work, and it was exhausting. And then it got easier and became second nature. Muscle memory I like to call it now for better or worse, you don’t think is hard when you’re behind the wheel anymore. It’s not as taxing on your brain. But get yourself into a bad Midwestern ice storm and it all comes back to you. Change is like that even good change. We know through research that empathetic leadership is good, empathetic cultures, leaders and brands find tremendous success regardless of industry. We know our writer, that seeing hearing and valuing our employees and creating more inclusivity reaps Countless rewards to our business decisions and performance. 

We boost innovation, we increase engagement of both our employees and our customers. We collaborate better, we lead the market, we create a sustainable business that can weather harsh storms. We may even boost stock price or generate great PR along the way. And yet, change is hard. Even when we know what’s good for us, we need to acknowledge that the behavior change required for some is a big ask. That’s not to say it’s not worth it or shouldn’t be expected. It’s just to say, hey, we hear you, we see you, we know you’re trying and you may stumble and fall, and that’s totally okay. So don’t be surprised when your leaders balk at going through emotional intelligence or empathy training and skill building. They spent years decades operating in one way to get them to success in their careers. And now they’re being asked to change their ways. There’s that word again, change. For some, it’s like being asked to skate backwards, it’s harder, and expect that in times of stress, they will fall back on familiar patterns and habits, even negative ones. Know that transformation takes time. But the effort and patience are so worth it in the end. That friction you feel is not because you’re going down the wrong path. The friction you feel is status quo, trying to claw you back into familiar patterns. Don’t let it when speaking at marketing conferences, and to my own clients, I often tell them to face the fear. When you’re blazing a trail, that means there’s no trail there. So it’s okay to be afraid. 

Embracing empathy is a core leadership skill and business strategy is the new way of the modern workplace. We’ve evolved, thank God and so things change. We’re called to rewrite old rules to strengthen or master new skills. It doesn’t matter what the workplace used to be, or how we used to define leadership, even if those rules got you to where you are today. As a successful leader. We also used to ride horses and buggies, and dump our toilets out of windows, but we’ve evolved and so to must our organizations, our leaders, our cultures, brands and workplaces. Your job as a leader now is to adapt and to make things better for those who come after you to transform and succeed beyond your wildest expectations. Thank you for tuning in to this hot take episode of the empathy edge podcast. If you liked it, please share it with a friend or a colleague, get them fired up to transform. And of course, please rate and review if you haven’t an opportunity. Until next time, please remember that cash flow creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care, and be kind. 

Cash flow, creativity, and compassion are not mutually exclusive™

Melina Palmer: What Your Employees Need But Can’t Tell You

Change is hard, even when it’s a change that makes our lives easier. Today, I speak with Melina Palmer, CEO of The Brainy Business, expert in behavioral economics for organizations around the world, and the author of What Your Employees Need and Can’t Tell You. We give you a refresher on behavioral economics and how our human brains work – especially the conscious and unconscious parts of our brains.  We discuss why change is hard, even when it’s a good change, and how leaders get change massively wrong. Melina will share her framework called “It’s Not About the Cookie” and how it applies to any employee initiative. She also shares her top tip for those who want to have more influence at work.

To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.

Key Takeaways:

  • Change doesn’t need to be hard, you just need to understand what motivates the people you are trying to change – education alone will never be enough.
  • Create a culture of feedback and input, solicit that feedback, then actually implement those ideas.
  • Be transparent about your change management. The more transparent you are along the way, the more people can trust the process.

“Every conversation and initiative is a change conversation or initiative – you are either in the midst of change, in the wake of change that has already happened, or building up to the next change.”

—  Melina Palmer

About Melina Palmer, CEO and author of What Your Employees Need and Can’t Tell You

Melina Palmer is the founder and CEO of The Brainy Business, which provides behavioral economics consulting to businesses of all sizes from around the world. Her podcast, The Brainy Business: Understanding the Psychology of Why People Buy, has downloads in over 170 countries and is used as a resource for teaching applied behavioral economics for many universities and businesses. Melina obtained her master’s in behavioral economics from The Chicago School of Professional Psychology. A proud member of the Global Association of Applied Behavioral Scientists, Melina has contributed research to the Association for Consumer Research, Filene Research Institute, and writes the Behavioral Economics & Business column for Inc Magazine. She teaches applied behavioral economics through the Texas A&M Human Behavior Lab. Her first book, What Your Customer Wants and Can’t Tell You, was published in May 2021 and was a finalist in two categories of the International Book Awards. Her second book, What Your Employees Need and Can’t Tell You, is out as of October 2022.

Connect with Melina Palmer:

The Brainy Business Website: https://www.thebrainybusiness.com

Twitter: https://twitter.com/thebrainybiz

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melinapalmer/ 

Facebook: https://facebook.com/thebrainybiz 

Instagram: https://instagram.com/thebrainybiz 

References Mentioned:

Melina Palmer on The Empathy Edge podcast, Why Your Customers Can’t Tell You What They Want 

Special link to get your free chapter of both of Melina’s books: www.thebrainybusiness.com/empathyedge 

Don’t forget to download your free guide! Discover The 5 Business Benefits of Empathy: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy

Connect with Maria:

Get the podcast and book: TheEmpathyEdge.com

Learn more about Maria and her work: Red-Slice.com

Hire Maria to speak at your next event: Red-Slice.com/Speaker-Maria-Ross

Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy

LinkedIn: Maria Ross

Instagram: @redslicemaria

Twitter: @redslice

Facebook: Red Slice

FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:

Change is hard, even when it’s a change that makes our lives easier. How can you make things better for your employees, customers and other stakeholders while your employees may be on board with the logic of a change, but if they’re resistant, scared or disengaged, you may want to look to behavioral economics and how the brain works to have better results. Especially in this era of the great resignation and quiet quitting. You may need more insights into your employees than they’re even able or willing to tell you. Today I speak with Melina Palmer, CEO of the brainy business expert in behavioral economics for organizations around the world, and the author of what your employees need and can’t tell you. You may remember Molina on our show before talking about her last book, what your customer wants and can’t tell you. And she’s delivering even more insights into how the brain works. So, you can better understand your employees and why your change initiatives will succeed or fail. Today, we give you a refresher on behavioral economics, and how our human brains work, especially the conscious and unconscious parts of our brains. We discuss why change is hard, even when it’s a good change, and how leaders get changed massively wrong. Melina will share her framework called it’s not about the cookie, and how it applies to any employee initiative. And she shares her top tip for those who want to have more influence at work. This is such a gem of an episode. Stay tuned. 

Maria Ross  02:55

Welcome back, Melina Palmer to the show. We’re excited to have you again.

 Melina Palmer  02:59

Thank you. I’m so excited to be here.

Maria Ross  03:01

And we were just talking before the interview about the fact that you wrote this amazing book what your customers want. But can’t tell you and then on the heels of it, have launched this other book, what your employees want and can’t tell you, which is also timely right now with the great resignation, quiet, quitting, improving employee engagement, all the things that we always talk about. So, but before we dive into this, because your approach is so unique, I want to give people a little refresher on what behavioral economics is, because that’s what we talked about on your last episode, which we’ll link to in the show notes about how to determine what your customers want, they can’t tell you so tell us a little bit about what behavioral economics is and how it applies to the employee employer relationship.

 Melina Palmer  03:47

Yeah, for sure. And thank you so much for having me a second time delighted to be here. So, behavioral economics is the you know, the tagline for my podcast is the psychology understanding the psychology of why people buy, I have adapted that a bit as you know, the podcast is four and a half years old now. So, there’s some adaptation in that, and that I’m saying, understanding the psychology of why people act, choose, change and buy because there’s, you know, a little bit more nuance to that. But essentially, even though we all have brains, we don’t intuitively understand how they work. And the way that we think they do or should doesn’t typically line up. And so, you had a problem with traditional economics in that it assumed logical people making rational choices and absolutely everything that they do. And that’s not really the world we live in which we know because we are all human where we have intentions to do something we know what we should do. But we ended up doing something else, of course. And we can’t usually explain why and even you know, on the customer side of things, you know, you do surveys and people We’ll say, of course, I would buy the toothpaste if it had baking soda in it. So, you spend a lot of money to put baking soda in the toothpaste and nobody buys it. It’s not that they’re lying intentionally in general. But they just really don’t know what they would do or why they buy things. And that’s because of this sort of misunderstanding in the way that our brains process information. So, in the case of change management, working with teams within organizations, you get a lot of times where people say should. And that’s, you know, the brainy business we say, should as a four letter word. In that anytime you say, well, people should just get it, people should be on board with this thing, it should be easy, they should be able to find that information that shouldn’t matter. It does. All those little things matter and can be so much more impactful than we realize, which can be a negative, if we don’t want to address it, right? If we just look at it at this pile of stuff that’s working against us, and we don’t want to deal with that’s a problem. But on the flip side to say, hey, if we work on some of these little simple things, it can snowball in a way that’s really positive very quickly, without having to do huge expensive change initiatives, we can look at change differently. And it can help us to have better conversations and impact at work.

Maria Ross  06:22

I love this, because as we were talking about early in my career, once upon a time, I was a change management consultant with one of the big six at the time, the big six, I don’t know how many big ones there are now. But and that was exactly our role was we were the people side of change. So, we would come alongside the programmers and the tech teams who were implementing new technology, and address the fact that you can’t just flip a switch and people’s behaviors will change just because you put in this fancy new system. And the fact that you needed a communication plan to go with it, you needed a training plan to go with it, this wasn’t going to be an overnight process to get people to drastically change their jobs. One, one project I had, we were actually teaching factory plant workers. First, we had to teach them windows. And then we had to teach them the software, right? So, that’s the thing we will do, they’ll just get it it’s more intuitive da da da da, they just click these icons. They don’t know what click an icon means at that point in time. So, it’s it’s all of these things you have to factor in to actually make a change successful. And then, you know, often the whole reason this group popped up within the firm that I worked for, was because they were implementing these amazing technology solutions. And they were falling flat on their faces within these organizations. And they didn’t know why. And so, it’s exactly you know, now it’s a field of study, and people understand the brain better and all that great stuff. So, I’m really heartened to see that we’ve progressed, because this was very, very long ago. So, tell us quickly, in your opinion, why is it that change is hard? It seems that seems like a dumb question. But I think there’s merit to dissecting it. Why is change hard, even if it’s a change, that people would welcome?

 Melina Palmer  08:07

Yeah, it’s a funny thing in that change doesn’t have to be hard. What is hard is when we try to force change in the way that again, we think it should happen, instead of working with rules of the brain that already exists, to help us kind of looking at swimming downstream instead of upstream, right. So, the process can be much easier if we work with the rules that already exist, which is where behavioral economics comes in understanding how the brain works. So, taking a step back from that, for everyone who hasn’t yet listened to that last time I was on that first episode would be to talk about how the brain works. So, if you were to think about your your brain as a person riding an elephant, and this is an analogy from a psychologist at NYU that I really liked, I think it just helps make this very visual. So, your brain is a person riding an elephant, you have the logical conscious writer knows where it wants to go, has a plan can see 10 steps ahead and is ready to go, right? The elephant may want to go in a different direction, or to sit down and not go anywhere, or just stop in general, and you can’t push or pull or logic it into going where you want it to go. Because it doesn’t speak the same language as you, but you can understand what motivates it and help to nudge it along to keep it on the path, right because you as the writer can see that. So, when we’re planning stuff within our businesses, we tend to think that our writer is communicating to other writers and we’re trying to appeal to them. What you really need to be doing is looking at what’s going to motivate the elephant because if you can lead the elephant in the right direction, then the writer will be able to explain why it was all such a great idea and they knew it all along and that’s where they were We’re going to be going and they feel really good about it. So, understanding that piece is really important when we think about communicating change and making it easier. And an example I love to give here is one of a company called the Literie. And they are an organization that is helping people to throw away and properly sort their garbage every time that they throw anything away, which is a very important thing that should be happening. And if I was to tell you listener, that your new job is that you have to be taking this on. And until you’ve gotten every single person to properly throw away and sort their garbage every single time, you can’t do anything else. You probably feel like your children’s children’s children’s children are going to be doomed, you know, to this task, because it’s something that people have been trying to change for such a long time and it’s nearly impossible. The problem is, if you sit down and take on that task, you probably think about it as Okay, people just don’t know what goes in what been the problem is they’re uninformed, they don’t realize if they knew they would change their behavior. So, we need a brochure or a video, or maybe they aren’t empathizing enough. So, we need one more commercial with turtles that have straws in their noses, or whatever it is to talk about the facts. And then they’ll be passionate about it just like I am. But that doesn’t work we know that doesn’t work with the literary has done is disassociated the understanding of why you think it’s important, with the actual action you need someone to take, which is just to sort the thing, right? You need it to go in the recycling, that’s all you really need. And whether they care about it, about the planet is secondary in the task, as much as we would love for people to care. So, they’ve turned litter into lottery tickets, hence the name of the lottery. So, they have smart garbage cans, when you put the bottle in the recycling, it’ll say it’ll give you a notification on your phone and say, hey, Molina, great job, you sorted that properly, you’ve been entered into the lottery. And if you put something in the wrong bin, or you throw in a rock or something that’s not supposed to be in there, then it says, nice try, do this next time and you could be entered in, they tested in movie theaters, and had 100% compliance across 30 days for different theaters in Sweden. And just everybody knew what to do, they just needed to be motivated to do it. So, working with those rules, makes it a lot easier to encourage change in a way that if you again, try to educate or tell people what they’re doing wrong, or or force them, or it’s makes it really, really hard. But it doesn’t have to be.

Maria Ross  12:41

Yeah, and I think that’s where the whole gamification of habits comes in, we see it in different apps that help you, you know, quit smoking or with nutrition, you know, they make it a game. So, it’s it’s working with the psychology of people versus just like you said, just informing them, if you inform them, they’ll do the right thing. And I often say, you know, to my brand clients, that you know, people will even if you’re selling b2b People buy based on emotion, and often they justify it with logic versus the other. We think we’re working the other way around, but we often don’t. And so I love this idea of again, working with the brain instead of against it. And using that as a mechanism in our own organizations to impact change. So, tell us why you think businesses have changed wrong. So, we’re, you know, and let’s get specific here. What kinds of change initiatives are we talking about? It could be anything from a restructuring to a new training development program, to a new incentive plan to I don’t know, a new organizational structure? You know, you tell us what, where are they getting it wrong? Is it one specific type of change, they’re getting wrong? Or it doesn’t really matter? Name your, you know, pick your favorite flavor of change?

 Melina Palmer  13:55

Yeah, yes. So, it’s actually in just the thought that changes only big stuff like that. And that’s all that matters. So, the thing that you think you need an initiative for is not the only change that is impacting the brain of a person. So, when we were talking about, you know, smoking, or people working in factories, and all these different things that are repetitive types of jobs, our brains are running on habit and predictability and status quo, that elephant is processing millions of bits of information per second and being able to say, okay, I know how to do this. I know how to do that. I know how to do this. It wants to hold on to as much as possible and it does that with the status quo predictability and habits of how and knowing okay, I get treats. This way. I like going over there by that’s bad. Don’t touch that stove. Whatever, right? There are things that it knows to do when it doesn’t want to give up control to that conscious brain at any time that we have those habits up ended. In some way, we end up having to move stuff into that conscious area of our processing, which makes it so it’s slower and more difficult. You know, many of us had this process problem in the early days of the pandemic, where we would say, hey, I used to be getting up early, and I would be commuting and I went to the gym, and then I would be at work all day. And I would go out to lunch, and then I would go out for drinks afterwards. And, and, and, and was totally fine. Now it’s two o’clock, and I’m still in my pajamas. But I feel exhausted. And I didn’t even do anything, right? Why am I so tired. And it’s because a lot of those habits, even where you place your coffee mug, and where you walk to go to get a glass of water, or whatever it is, that all those habits used to be in that subconscious quick processing. And when they get moved, it’s difficult on the brain, and it makes it so bigger decisions have to be kind of run by that subconscious, elephant. And so it again, the problem is relies on the status quo. So, when you’re trying to change things, it feels very difficult, and is going to want to resist because it likes that status quo. So, if you’re trying to implement even a lot of little changes, like moving people’s desks are saying that they have to be using a different way that they send their emails or just even clicking this one button differently than what they’ve done. Or training a new person on the team. Things that seem like they shouldn’t be important. There’s construction outside of the building, and they have to take a slightly different route to work. Those can all be impacting the brain of that person throughout the day, in a way that will impact their ability to be receptive to change, even though they don’t realize it. So, thinking about change only as the big stuff is the problem, you want to be looking at the micro moments and trying to be collecting snowflakes, to create a snowball that’s going to help you roll down that hill of change, instead of letting all those small moments build up into this terrible tundra of nightmares. It’s making change way too hard.

Maria Ross  17:16

What a great analogy. And as someone who you know, suffered a brain injury years ago, I totally understand this concept of like your conscious brain and your unconscious brain because part of my rehab with my brain injury was was not relearning so much as stuff that I used to do on autopilot, I had to exert more energy into doing and it exhausted me faster. And that’s why when you have a brain injury, or someone you know, who might have a stroke, they get more fatigued more easily. And it’s because their brain is working on overdrive was before they were able to sort of be on autopilot. So, you know, we need to remember that that applies whether you’ve had a brain injury or not, because it’s how the brain works. And so, when when you’re dealing with that in an organization, and you’re trying to implement a lot, let’s say you are trying to implement a larger transformational change, are you saying that it’s wiser to break it down into the smaller micro movements and helping people through those micro movements, that’s going to help move the initiative forward?

 Melina Palmer  18:15

Yes. And really, the point that I make, one of the points in the book is that every conversation and initiative is a change conversation or a change initiative, you are either in the midst of change, you are in the wake of change that has already happened, or you’re building up to the next change, right. So, you’re and very likely in some varying state of all of those things all the time, because there’s constantly change going on. And so, if you can focus on doing less things that are more of the right things, and being more thoughtful about the way that you communicate, you can reduce the amount of communication that is being sent and make it so that the brain is less stressed of the people on the team. And not that we’re constantly running around. Because time pressure of deadlines, even if they’re self-imposed, creates a stress that makes it so it’s more difficult to get out of that subconscious status quo. So, for everyone, myself included many, many, many times who has said in the past, I work better under a deadline. I’m more creative, I get so much done. You don’t. Alright, I need to hear this. I know that I’m sorry to tell you, it feels like you’re being much more productive because you have to commit to something in that moment to move forward. But studies have shown that you are much less creative because you’re relying on that status quo when you don’t have the time to be able to evaluate more. So, you’re just moving forward with that same template that you have used every time even though you had grand ideas of coming up with a new report or whatever it happens to be right when you had all the time in the world, you’ve got other, there’ll be a better process for this. And I could do that and whatever. And then you realize, oh, man, I need that report tomorrow. I’m just going to do this this time. And I’m going to grab this and do this and do that do this. But you’re stuck with what you used to do. And if someone said, oh, I need you to do this other thing. Like, no, I can’t

Maria Ross  20:27

Yeah, no more, I can’t do I can’t do it. So, tell us a little bit about this framework you call, it’s not about the cookie. What does that mean?

 Melina Palmer  20:35

Yes. So this is actually I use the same framework for pricing strategy as I do for change management. Because even if you aren’t having any money, exchanging hands, you need someone to buy in on whatever idea or initiative you’re selling.

Maria Ross  20:52

Emotionally or psychologically, you need them to buy in, whether it’s their attention, or their time, or a change in their behavior. 

 Melina Palmer  20:58

Right, or being passionate about the project instead of working against it either. Right? Or unintentionally, right? So, to explain this analogy, I’ll have you imagine we’re having a conversation walking down the street, maybe we’re talking about change. So, we’re just chatting talking about the brain or whatever it is great conversation. And then all of a sudden, there’s this amazing scent that comes wafting down the street, it’s sweet, a little salty, there’s a hint of chocolate in there. And we realize a chocolate chip cookie are baking nearby. And it’s amazing. We’re still now talking to each other. But we’re more like kind of trying to find the source of the center, we’re like cartoon characters with arises drawing us down the street, right? So, then we get in front of the store, and we see there’s a line and we go stand in it. And they say, oh, today only it’s buy three, get one free. And here’s a free sample. And before we know it, we walk out of there each eating a cookie, and with one in a bag in hand, you know for later. So, that’s one scenario. Second scenario, same conversation, walking down the street, someone comes up and shoves a coupon in our faces and says, hey, hey, today only I have this special, you know, if you buy for cookies, you only have to pay for three of them. And I’ve got samples go? Guy, get out of here, right? We don’t want that. Can you tell we’re having a conversation. Now we’re talking about bad sales experiences and how terrible they are. And by the time we see the line, and are pitying those people who have lower standards than us, we’re writing Yelp reviews about how bad their practices are, how pushy they are, and we would never buy from them. Right. So, in the first scenario, cookies could have been $3 Each, maybe they were a quarter in the second one, it doesn’t matter, because it’s not about the price. And it’s not about the cookie, right? Even if they were the same cookie, the same pricing are off in either scenario, we were definitely buying in the first one, assuming they’re not like hundred bucks or something in a cookie. And we’re definitely not buying in the second one, right. So, in this case, it’s not about the cookie, it’s not about the change. It’s not it’s about all the stuff that happens before that initiative is presented matters more than the change itself. And what you’ll notice when you go through this in the book, because obviously this framework is a big part of it. All the same things happen all the same concepts and levers are pulled, but they’re in an opposite order. And so, it’s not just understanding the concepts, but how they are presented. And that priming, that sense of the cookies that draws that subconscious in, which doesn’t just have to be sent. But it is very important and can either attract or repel immediately and make your change initiative. Just totally off the rails.

Maria Ross  23:41

Okay, so, I love this because this is all about just the intangibles that surround a change initiative, where on paper, it looks like why wouldn’t everybody love this? Right? We’re, we’re going to afford a work week. Why doesn’t everyone love this? Right? And or whatever it is, whatever the change initiative is. And I think that’s so important, because you can leave a bad taste in people’s mouths from the beginning. We’re now they’re primed to see the negative in whatever decisions happen going forward than they are to see the positive. Is that kind of what you’re getting at?

 Melina Palmer  24:14

Yeah, absolutely. And the same change presented in two different ways. So, if that four day workweek, you know, manager comes in and goes, Hey, everybody, I, I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this. I know you’re not gonna like this. Because I know change is hard. You’re not gonna like to shift things over. We’re switching to four days a week, and you know, I’m just going to need everyone to get on board with it. I know you’re gonna hate it, but we got to do it. Right. Everybody’s like, oh, I guess this is bad, right?

Maria Ross  24:43

Yeah. Everything about your body language is telling us this is bad,

 Melina Palmer  24:47

Right. And we’re a herding species. And so even if we thought that we would have liked the thing, go, Well, I guess everybody doesn’t. Like this is a bad thing. So, we’re now we’re focusing on what’s bad about it. And why this isn’t going to be a good thing for us how it’s going to be difficult. We’ve been primed in this way. Whereas if that’s presented more in a way of, and you know, that first person’s like, oh, man, you’re gonna hate it, right? But if we come in and say, Hey, like great news, we have this opportunity that we’re able to convert over to a four day work week, here are some of the ways that we’re able to make this work. And perhaps, you know, just in the way this is presented, depends if people are able to provide feedback, and we want to make sure that we only ask for feedback if it can actually be implemented. So, to say, hey, we’re curious what you all think of a four-day workweek. And you think, like you were saying, I’m sure because our brains like to think they’re better, smarter faster than everyone else. So, we’re sure everyone’s going to like the thing that we like. And I talked about all these biases in the book as to why we’re built out this way. We present it thinking they’re gonna love it. And then you think I’m gonna give them an opportunity to feel like they’re providing feedback. And then I’m going to like, why write in on my white horse and tell them that they get a four-day work week? So, I’m sure that’s what they’re going to ask for. And you present it and they say, man, it would be great if we could all work five hours a day, seven days a week, instead of five days. And like, I hate a four-day work week. Wow. Yeah, but we’ve already built out the program. Right, like writing for it. And they all say, well, we hate this. I have friends that have that. It’s terrible. I would never want it. Thanks for asking us because we will all rebel and hate that thing. And you’re like, Oops, dun, dun, dun, exactly. 

Maria Ross  26:34

Well, this brings up a great question that I had for you, which was what is the best way to solicit employee input? Because I know part of the challenge with that is number one, the actual solicitation of the input and the best modality in which to gather it one on one interviews, a anonymous survey, small focus groups, whatever it is, but also, you know, when you’re scared that it’s going to derail the initiative, because you’re going to have so many competing points of view, you’re never going to be able to please everybody, right? So. So what is the best way to solicit that kind of feedback from employees for change, especially knowing as you know, that even if you ask them, they may not tell you how they will actually respond in the moment. And they might tell you a false positive or a false negative when you’re gathering the research and the input. And then when you put the change into effect, their reaction is going to be very different. So that’s sort of the first part of that. And then if, as you answer this, you can talk about the important role of empathy in gathering that input and, and implementing that change.

 Melina Palmer  27:39

Yeah. So, there’s a really great concept in behavioral science called the IKEA effect, in that we like and prefer things that we had some effort in building ourselves, we think they’re better than things that other people have built.

Maria Ross  27:54

Even after we’ve spent seven hours putting it together,

 Melina Palmer  27:57

especially when we

Maria Ross  27:59

like, I’m never getting rid of those shelves,

 Melina Palmer  28:01

My wonky shelf is way better than anything that you’ve created. Right, exactly. And so, this is all to where when we try to sell a house or something that we’ve put work into, and you think it’s amazing compared to what anyone else would have made, right? Because you have that labor of love tied to it. So, in the case of a business, the most important thing would be to be gathering feedback, kind of having this culture of input would be ideal, right? So, you’re you have some sort of a mechanism where people can be easily providing feedback that they can then see is valued. And not that every idea is always implemented every time. But when they have something that they think, oh, you know, I should recommend this thing, there’s a way to do that it goes somewhere, whether that’s anonymous or otherwise, I worked at an organization once where any suggestion you had that you could put in if it ended up saving the organization money, because in that case, you know, it was a streamlining, reducing expenses sort of initiative. If it got implemented, you got paid out different amounts. And some I think it was like 200 bucks, if there was something which, you know, as a teller or whatever role you’re in, you know, that could be really significant. For something I got a had a recommendation of not throwing away receipts where there was a process thing, that IT audit, it printed the receipt and you had people say, Oh, do you want your receipt? And then everyone says no, and they’re like throwing it away? Before you even answer and saying, Well, is there a button somewhere that we can have the default be to not print and you know, because we’re still wasting money. And so it was worth the payout, but I was able to just submit that at any time. So, that’s ideal, right? Where you can be submitting stuff all the time in varying opportunities. That’s not realistic at every single organization. I get that. So, one, don’t ask for fee back if you can’t implement it, so, if you’re too far gone, you know, find something else you can ask for feedback on but don’t ask, like we said in that four-day work week, it’s just setting yourself up to fail and for people to hate it. 

Maria Ross  30:11

Right. The only thing worse than not asking for feedback is asking for feedback and then ignoring it completely, right?

 Melina Palmer  30:19

So, when you can, though, except being able to make it visible, that you’re implementing something that was recommended by someone on the team somewhere, is very valuable. So, if you have an intranet, and you’re able to say, hey, Maria, in XYZ department submitted this, and we’re moving forward with it, because it’s saving the company, you know, 1% on every order. Thank you so much, Maria, you’re amazing. Like, yay, right? So, people get to see that when ideas are submitted, something is done with them, even if there’s didn’t make it through. And it’s varying levels, right. So, that’s something that’s very valuable. As far as getting a lot of buy in, without everyone then fighting over their idea not being chosen, I highly recommend, and I do this as a training for lots of organizations. It’s one of my favorite things. It’s called question storming. So, instead of brainstorming, where we have a very focused, we think we know what the problem is. And we’re coming up with solutions. We instead start with a statement that we attack with questions, there’s a different tie in in the brain to asking questions where we don’t have the same sort of ownership in a way that’s both valuable in presenting new ideas. People don’t like to come up with ideas in in brainstorming, because I might get saddled with that project. I don’t want to look stupid, you know, whereas if you just ask a question, you don’t have the same problem. Being part of that questioning process, we can all kind of embody the questions as they get generated, it helps to be part of a full process. And even if my question doesn’t end up being part of this initiative, it’s it’s a research piece that helped us all make our way that can be really valuable without getting people really pigeon holed on why their ideas, the best idea, and why wouldn’t everyone move forward with my idea? Sorry, no problem. And then just to answer the last piece, as far as the way you collect information, it is going to vary based on the type of organization, the type of team that you have, the way that you’re able to be implementing things, how large the projects are, you know, when you can be doing, actually asking questions, having as many avenues as possible, that are active as often as possible, I would say is probably the best strategy. But if you can only do one, and you know, that’s what you have, just make it the best version that it can be, and make it as visible as it can be when you’re using it to help encourage others to then continue to use that and it will grow and be more valuable over time.

Maria Ross  32:59

So, I hear you saying a couple different things there. If I can unpack that for a little bit number one, it’s it’s before you even have change initiatives, which we’ve already said, you’re always going to have, you’re either going to be at the beginning of a change, or in the change or dealing in the wake of the change is to create a culture of feedback to create a culture of input, where input is consistently and constantly solicited. And then something is done with those ideas. And so, then it’s not so shocking of like, all of a sudden, we have this company wide survey, something’s something’s up, right, like now they’re asking us our opinion, they haven’t asked us our opinion in three years, like, so. I love that idea of like priming the pump, so to speak, of, of creating that culture of input, even if it’s something, you know, relatively insignificant, almost starting there sounds like Okay, now we get that this is what management does. This is what the leadership team does. They’re constantly trying to get our opinion, whether it’s about where we should have our, you know, company holiday party, or how do we structure job titles, like, whatever, whatever it is. But then I also hear you saying, and this was the thing I learned as a change management consultant. The change doesn’t start at the implementation, the thinking and the communication has to start way before that. So that when the change is ready to be unveiled, implemented, you know, decided upon, it’s it’s not so shocking to people systems, like they feel like they have been part of the process. And that’s why, you know, when we used to develop communication plans, it didn’t start at the day the new system was implemented, it started months before that, maybe it was, you know, addressing the issue that the new system was supposed to solve, and just acknowledging that for people and then you know, wouldn’t it be great if and then also communications coming from different levels of the organization at different times. So can you speak a little bit to maybe like grading on a scale of A through F? How well organizations do with that Part of it of actually realizing that the change happens way before it actually gets implemented.

 Melina Palmer  35:05

Yeah, I think like you said, there are plenty of organizations that are doing a better job of being able to present information earlier. But it’s important just to note, again, that it’s not that you spent months or sometimes years planning a change behind closed doors, and then we like to say, but we worked out all the kinks. So just like, there’s, it’s,

Maria Ross  35:31

We got it, we got it, it’s fine. We just put everything just trust us. Yeah, we’ve got right.

 Melina Palmer  35:36

No, we didn’t ask you what you want in this, which is impacting your job directly. And not mine, but I’m smarter than you. So take it right. Not good. That’s not gonna go over super well. But also you don’t want if you ever have it be that, you know, tell team is like a single checklist item on your to do list. You are definitely not putting enough effort.

Maria Ross  36:01

You know, you’re not implementing change. Well, when yeah, it is just one task on your task list. Like, oh, did I tell the team this is happening? Great. Yeah.

 Melina Palmer  36:10

Yeah. And so with that, and I have a setup in the in the book, where I’m talking through kind of the specifically in how you can use that cookie strategy to then be presenting information and looking at, say, like, you were you were, you mentioned, you know, if you were to ask, like say, hey, they’re asking for our opinion, and they haven’t done this in three years, what’s up, right, that curiosity, water cooler chat is going to be problematic for you, right, and that you can’t stop that. So being able to communicate more openly, be aware that if this is the first time that you have a meeting that is exclamation point required, and nothing else is or everything else is visible on your calendar, except for this one thing, or you’re telling people hey, I need you to sign this NDA before you come to this meeting next week. And I’m not going to tell you anything else. Know that that’s gonna be a problem. That’s really bad priming. I talked about that as burnt popcorn, right, right, are burning the popcorn. We’ve all been in the office where someone burns a bag of popcorn and no work gets done for hours. 

Maria Ross  37:16

Because everyone’s gossiping and trying to figure it out. And they’re always imagining the worst-case scenario in their heads. I mean, this is the thing, you know, from a communication planning perspective from, from a, from a leadership perspective, there’s always that that does that tendency of leaders to want to hide information because they think that that’s the best thing for the the morale or the performance of the group. And it always backfires. Like, people know, something is up. 

 Melina Palmer  37:46

Like, yeah, you’re not as sneaky as you. 

Maria Ross  37:48

Think you are. And I’ve seen it time and time again, with, you know, where an executive was leaving. And they’re like, well, let’s wait like a month before we tell the group that this is happening, people know. So, it’s better to be transparent. And I, you know, apply that transparency to change management as well, that, you know, the more transparent you are along the way, the more not, I don’t want to say accepting because we still need to, you know, we still need to address the elephant in the change, but the more people at least can trust the process.

 Melina Palmer  38:19

Yeah, in the cookie framework. There are multiple concepts of behavioral economics in there, we have priming, which is that sense of the cookies, we have framing how we say things matters more than what we’re saying, you have herding and social proof, like the line. And then one thing we have there also is reciprocity. In the case of the cookies, it’s the free sample, a little gift that helps people to take a little bit more and when we’re selling things, you know, that’s a lead magnet podcasts that are free, whatever that we’re giving out. In the case of change, I do talk about this as transparency, authenticity, openness, giving people an opportunity to be part of the process, that is all a gift that you’re giving. And it needs to be made visible to show that they’re being brought in, not in a weirdly over the top way. But being able to say, you know, hey, here’s a little bit of what’s coming i I’m able to share X, Y, and Z, you know, share when you can be able to say I’m trusting you with this information, because I really value you as a member of the team and this there are a lot of tips in the book as far as not, you don’t want to be pitting team members against each other and say I really value you but I’m not telling Suzy so. Yeah, no,

Maria Ross  39:37

Yeah, exactly. Oh my gosh. Well, and it’s also of this concept of of like you were talking about about the transparency and giving people a taste, but also just being honest there. You might not have every answer to every question. And it’s okay to report in this is this is what drives me crazy about organizations that don’t give status updates and they say the reason is we don’t know yet.

 Melina Palmer  40:02

The no update update is no update up valuable.

Maria Ross  40:05

Exactly. Just say like, we know you’re wondering about X, we’re still working on it, then at least they know that it’s it’s being thought through. And it’s being addressed at some point.

 Melina Palmer  40:15

Yeah, that’s COVID was such a point where we were able to see this, right, where organizations weren’t posting anything for days, and people are freaking out. They don’t know, am I going to be at home? Do I have to come in here? What’s the policy? What if I get sick? What if my kids get sick? What if? What if? What if, and they’re not even doing anything? Right? Right? They’re doing lots of things, but it’s not made visible. And that while curiosity is very valuable, in being able to create new programs, it is something that can really go awry and run amok, if we don’t get little bits along the way, to being able to have the, hey, today we met about this, we talked about that, you know, commit to having the update go out at 3pm Every day, saying something, you know, tomorrow, we’re gonna meet about this thing, whatever, right? Yeah, that makes a big,

Maria Ross  41:07

And that’s where I feel empathy comes in, because you’re imagining what the other person might be thinking and feeling and that they might that it’s not just like, simple curiosity, it’s turning into anxiety, right? So you know, I know, I might not know this answer till the end of the week. But these people are on pins and needles waiting to figure out what’s going on. It’s empathetic of me to realize that and send out a communication and say, Hey, I know y’all are, you know, worried about this? Hang tight, I should have more answers on Friday, it’s okay to say you don’t have the answer right now. But to address the feelings of the people in your organization of your employees, because that’s what they want, they want to make sure that you know, they’re still there, and that they matter and that they are valued. So, in the time we have left, I’d love for you to give one top tip for managers, or those who want to have more influence at work, whether they’re dealing with a change initiative or not, given you know, this whole concept of behavioral economics and understanding how the brain works, what’s one great tip for having more influence at work with your employees or with your colleagues?

 Melina Palmer  42:11

Yeah, so my top tip is always to be thoughtful. And that’s how I end every episode of the podcast. It’s my email signature. And really in this way, it’s it’s twofold. So, one is to be thoughtful of your own actions I have. Part one of the book, as we’re moving our way through has two chapters. At the end, it says change is all about you. And it has nothing to do with you. Right. So, there’s the one side of how I’m presenting information, what my bias is doing, how that’s impacting decisions. And all these aspects. We didn’t even really talk about bias, but that’s a huge part of the book. And then the second piece of being thoughtful is to, like you said, empathize with that end user. And knowing that you can’t just ask them what they’re going to want. But there are ways that you can be bringing them in and say, I wonder why this happened this way, instead of just saying they’re difficult, you know, I’m gonna say, how might we be able to bring them in on this process? What what do they care about? What’s the value to that person? How might I learn from them? How can we both be right? You know, all these opportunities to expand your own approach to change and the way you present it, and the way that you communicate with others and to encourage them to be more receptive. being thoughtful is a really easy first tip to just question a little bit more.

Maria Ross  43:35

Absolutely. And that that is that is empathy. One on one right there is to just put yourself in the other person’s shoes and think about what might be going on for them, and then acting with compassion accordingly. So, thank you so much. Melina, for joining us today. Again, folks. The name of the book is what your employee wants and can’t tell you, and or what your employees need and can’t tell you and it’ll it’s going to be out now. So, check that out at all the places where you can get books, we’ll have all your links in the show notes. And Melina also is giving us a special URL, the brainy business.com/empathy edge again, it’ll be in the show notes. You can go there to get a free chapter of either of her books, or both of her books. So just real quick for people on the go. Where’s the best place? They can find out more about you?

 Melina Palmer  44:21

Yeah, so the brainy business.com is a really easy place the podcast books connecting for speaking and anything is all there. And you can find me on most all the socials as the brainy biz (B-I-Z).

Maria Ross  44:33

Love it. Thank you so much for your insights today. Melina it’s always a pleasure to talk to you. 

 Melina Palmer  44:37

Yeah. Thanks for having me. 

Maria Ross  44:39

And thanks everyone, again for listening to another great episode of the empathy edge. If you liked the podcast, remember to please share it with friends and colleagues. Don’t forget to rate and review. We love your feedback and we will do something with it. And in the meantime, until next episode, and our next wonderful guest. Please remember that cash flow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind.