People often confuse empathy and kindness so I spend many a keynote or leadership training session debunking the myths of empathy. My guest today, Marly Q Casanova, or Marly Q as she is known, is “Miami’s Top Kindness Influencer” whose talks and events have inspired thousands of people of all ages to be more kind to themselves, each other, and the world since 2010. Today we talk about the difference between kindness and empathy, how empathy is a superpower, and why the currency of kindness actually helps drive action and influence. Marly shares tips on setting boundaries and avoiding burnout when being an empathetic and kind leader.
To access this episode transcript, please scroll down below.
Key Takeaways:
- If you can be a kind leader, you are able to use empathy as your secret weapon to connect and make a difference with your team, your customers, and those in your community.
- You must take care of yourself and check in with yourself to ensure you don’t burn out as you perform acts of random kindness to those around you.
- You need to be aware of what your priorities are and where you are putting your focus. If you are aware of what is most important, it allows you to put your time there and unapologetically support yourself.
“If you feel frustrated that you are too busy to focus on what actually matters to you. I’m here to kindly tell you, you are really busy being unaware and stressing yourself out!”
— Marly Q Casanova
Episode Reference:
- Off the Clock: Feel Less Busy While Getting More Done by Laura Vanderkam
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About Marly Q Casanova: Kindness Influencer
Marly Q Casanova is “Miami’s Top Kindness Influencer” whose talks and events have inspired thousands of people of all ages to be more kind to themselves, each other, and the world since 2010.
This Tedx speaker is a successful social entrepreneur and first-generation Hispanic American living her best life in sunny South Florida as a happy mom and wife to 6x EMMY award-winning musician and co-founder of PARK Project Inc; a nonprofit movement to inspire people to “PARK” (Perform Acts of Random Kindness) worldwide.
As an inspirational speaker, leadership trainer, community-builder and host of Time to be Kind with Marly Q podcast, she’s on a quest to enrich lives with the currency of kindness, connection and community!
Connect with Marly Q Casanova:
MARLY Q LLC: marlyq.com
Time to Be Kind Podcast: marlyq.com/podcast/
YouTube: youtube.com/@marlyQ
LinkedIn: http://www.linkedin.com/in/marlyq/
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/themarlyq
Instagram: http://www.instagram.com/marlyq
Facebook Group: http://www.facebook.com/kindqrew
TEDxTalk: Kindness is Your Superpower: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu0FRPYD7aU
Join the tribe, download your free guide! Discover what empathy can do for you: http://red-slice.com/business-benefits-empathy
Connect with Maria:
Get the podcast & book: TheEmpathyEdge.com
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Take my LinkedIn Learning Course! Leading with Empathy
LinkedIn: Maria Ross
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Threads: @redslicemaria
FULL TRANSCRIPT BELOW:
Welcome to the empathy edge podcast the show that proves why cash flow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. I’m your host Maria Ross. I’m a speaker, author, Mam, facilitator and empathy advocate. And here you’ll meet trailblazing leaders and executives, authors and experts who embrace empathy to achieve radical success. We discuss all facets of empathy from trends and research to the future of work to how to heal societal divisions and collaborate more effectively. Our goal is to redefine success and prove that empathy isn’t just good for society, it’s great for business. People often confuse empathy and kindness. And I spend many a Keynote or leadership training session debunking the myths of empathy. My guest today Marley Q. Casanova, or Marley Q, as she’s known, is Miami’s top kindness influencer, whose talks and events have inspired 1000s of people of all ages to be more kind to themselves each other, and the world since 2010. Today, we talk about the difference between kindness and empathy. How empathy is a superpower, and why the currency of kindness actually helps drive action and influence. Marley shares tips on setting boundaries and avoiding burnout while being an empathetic and kind leader. Marlee Q is a TEDx speaker and a successful social entrepreneur and first generation Hispanic American living her best life in sunny South Florida. As a happy mom and wife to a six time Emmy award winning musician. She’s the co founder of Park Project, a nonprofit movement to inspire people to park perform acts of Random Kindness worldwide, which she talks about today. This was a great one take a listen. Marley cue Welcome to the empathy edge podcast, we finally made this happen. Yes. Hi.
Marly Q Casanova 02:26
I’m so happy to be here. Thank you. Okay,
Maria Ross 02:29
so we talked in the intro that you are known as Miami’s top kindness influencer. And I am dying to know a little bit about your story, what brought you to this work on empathy and kindness? And how you got to do the work you do and why you’re so passionate about it.
Marly Q Casanova 02:48
Thank you for that question. You know, I identify as a kindness influencer, right. So when people ask me, what do you do? I answer. I’m a kindness influencer. And that normally leads to more questions like, Tell me more, or I love that, right. So to take it back to where this started, I really only put that hat on of kindness influencer, shortly after the pandemic, right, let’s call it pre pandemic, I was running an event consulting company. And I’ve been planning events since I was in high school. So planning community building events, bringing people together, to inspire them and influence them to be kind and unite around the causes that they care about. And, you know, 20 years of event planning, we’ll do a number two, yeah. stressed, I get nervous. Yes. And you know, that together with the super stressful time that we were all experiencing in 2020. And me losing my event business. In essence, in a day, all the events canceled, I was pregnant at that time. So I had like this super awareness of the amount of stress that I was experiencing. And the last thing that I wanted to do was flood my body with stress hormones and cortisol and hurt my baby in any way. So I really took that time to be kind and empathetic with myself and the reality of the situation. And I think a month later, I started the podcast, I started a podcast called time to be kind with Marley Q. I switched my entire business from in person events over to virtual, I started doing speaking and leadership training, community building all virtually and it just kind of launched me in this not really a new direction, but a much more clear one, right? If I’m going to be, you know, alive in this time and space, and I want to be connected to what I feel is my calling. I’m like, you know, I’m a kindness influencer. And it was really easy to put that hat on and tell people nobody was surprised because I’ve been doing this work since I was 10 years old. I really feel that I found my calling to express kindness and the value that it has in our culture in our community in our workplaces. Since I was 10. I think I was really really blessed to find that calling so young. I love that so much and I love
Maria Ross 04:59
that you built a career out of a value that’s so important to you, like so many of us don’t have that opportunity. And we should be making our decisions based on our values and setting our goals based on our values. Maybe not should maybe I suggest that we make our goals and our decisions based on our values. But so talk to us a little bit about when I do my talks, one of the myths of empathy that I bust over and over again, is that empathy is not about being nice. Those are two separate things. So tell us as the kindness influencer, what do you see as the big differences between empathy and kindness? Yes, what
Marly Q Casanova 05:39
a great question and really getting to the root of it. Right? I really feel that kindness is the foundation of what makes us human. Right, I think it is what unites us as a standard. Right and one mankind. So I actually think that kindness is like the first step, if you will, or the first, you know, the foundation of the house, I feel that empathy is a much deeper frequency, and a much more powerful skill, right, that we develop through time and through experiences, as we’re, you know, relating to other people, right? What’s empathy at the end of the day is your ability to feel with people, right, your ability to like, get into someone else’s shoes, right. And I don’t think that you could really do that, without some experience in living, right. So I really do, I come at it from the place of kindness is like the elementary, like the tier one, right? Like, let’s start there. Because once we can exercise that muscle of kindness, which is like expressing love towards humanity towards ourselves, and one another in this world that we share, if we can get that mastered, then it makes it I think, a lot easier to step into empathy and be able to share that experience with others.
Maria Ross 06:56
One also to be able to, not even you know, even if you don’t feel like you’re emotionally connecting with someone being open enough to be able to try to see things from their perspective. And I believe when you take on that perspective of kindness, and quite frankly, love, even in a workplace, even in a business context, it enables you to not be defensive or angry about someone sharing their point of view or sharing their experience with you, you’re able to take it in if you have that foundation of kindness. So I love that I often talk about the fact that, you know, being nice is, you know, you make really good cookies, and you bring them to work. But it doesn’t necessarily mean you’re connecting with me or you’re seeing my point of view. So I love the way you describe kindness as the foundation as the tier one, the gateway, if you will, yes, being empathetic. So you talk about the fact that if kindness is your superpower, then empathy is your secret weapon. Tell us a little bit more about that.
Marly Q Casanova 08:02
Yes, so I believe that kindness is your superpower. These were like the four words that have impacted me I think the most right, I actually delivered a TED Talk back in 2018. When I was three months pregnant, I can’t believe I still did that as I wanted to throw up on stage. And it was the first time I had ever delivered like this super written out speech. And I share that story in the TED Talk. And it’s called the kindness is your superpower. If if listeners are interested in I’m gonna link to it in the show notes for sure. Yeah, super fun. So you know, and when I was 10 years old, that’s when I discovered that kindness was my superpower. And what really made a difference is when I, my teacher told me this, I believed her, I’m like, wow, that’s my superpower. And I just have to exercise it. And I can change the world. Like, I don’t need money, I don’t need to graduate from school, I don’t need to have lived here to have a pretty house, I can just be kind. And this can make a difference. So first, I think believing that really made a difference and set me on a path that I’m on today. And I thank my teacher all the time for that she was actually in the audience. When I delivered my TED talks, I found her I’m like, sit here so that I can appreciate you for being the spark. And I think that like I said, once you if you believe that kindness is your superpower, and you exercise this, then empathy is like the secret weapon. Hey, because if we’re talking about business and leadership, even in your own home leadership in your own home and in your community, if you can be a kind leader, then exactly like you said, your team, or the community that you serve, or your clients, you are able to use, use empathy as your secret weapon to really like connect and make a difference with people like forever, right? Because when I think about back to my teacher, it wasn’t just the kindness that she had to speak to me and share with me those words. She had empathy. And I think that was a secret weapon. Like she got down on her knee and she looked me in the eye and she’s like, she understood why I was sad as a 10 year old, right? And she’s like, Hey, that was empathy. And I didn’t realize that I was empathy at 10 years old. But all these years later when I look back hack. I’m like how empathy was a secret weapon that I believe made me believe that kindness was my superpower. So I just think that if people were to believe that I that you have this superpower within you that could really change and transform your experience of life, right? If your goal isn’t to like change the world, and you don’t have these big philanthropic dreams, that’s cool. Kindness is still your superpower in your everyday life, right. And in business, I call it the currency of kindness, like, kindness will make you rich in every aspect of your life, right? Especially in business if you employ kind leadership, right? And you go there and are empathetic with your team, right and really feel this human experience together. I really think it’s a secret weapon.
Maria Ross 10:46
I love that. Well, I would love to switch gears a little and talk about the work that you’ve done as co founder of Park Project, which is a nonprofit movement to inspire people to perform acts of Random Kindness worldwide. What are some of the things the organization has done? What have you helped people to achieve?
Marly Q Casanova 11:04
Oh, that’s so great. So this year, we’ll be celebrating our 13th anniversary. So we’re teenagers this year, that’s exciting. And in those 13 years, some of the things that stand out to me are like, our first big event was our 5k freedom run and park festival. This was hosted on the 10th anniversary of 911. Right, an event that was obviously tragic, and historic for all of us, right? And we decided myself, my boyfriend at that time, my family and a small group of volunteers to come together and create this 5k to remember, honor and celebrate our servicemen and women, right? How can we do something to commemorate this day, in a positive and meaningful way and unite our community to park to perform acts of random kindness. And I just, I still to this day, think of that event, and how what a miracle and what a feat, and what a display of grassroots and Community and Civic Engagement, all the things that just fire me up, right, we were able to in under three months, not just produce the event, right? I did mention that I was an event creator. And I’ve been doing this for a long time. So I kind of knew what I was doing on the event side. But what was really special about is we had absolutely no social media presence actually joined Facebook and Instagram, like a month before that event. We had no email list, right? We had no sponsors, I had just started my business. So I had no like connections really to pull from. And we had over 600 participants come to that event. And we raised $13,000 for local nonprofits, right, that event transformed into something way bigger, called the 5k. Park fest. We did that for a couple of years. And we raised over $50,000 for dozens of local small to mid sized nonprofits in South Florida. This was all volunteer driven, this was all like, motivated by kindness. And it was truly one of the most beautiful things I’ve ever been a part of. I love your
Maria Ross 12:54
stories, because it’s showing the power of action that had hums from kindness and empathy. And there’s so many people who shy away from showing empathy or kindness, especially in the workplace, because they think it’s weak because they think it’s people are going to walk all over them. But the power to ignite and roll people into a cause, whether it’s a nonprofit, cause whether it’s like a big project in your organization,
Marly Q Casanova 13:22
whether it’s a meeting on Friday, but you want to sort of get excited about it.
Maria Ross 13:26
Exactly. It’s such a lever that will ignite people around you to take action. And I think we dismiss it too easily as something that’s Oh, it’s nice to have, and it’s fluffy, and we’re all going to sit around and sing Kumbaya and we’re not actually going to accomplish anything. I think about the workplaces I’ve been in where I’ve had super empathetic bosses where we’ve had a kind culture even just within our team, maybe not even the company at large. And the the amazing things we were able to do the amazing performance that we drove because we were fueled by that. And I just think it’s such an underestimated lever that leaders can pull and not to manipulate. But just to say, you know, this is a way to engage more people in whatever it is that you’re trying to get them to do.
Marly Q Casanova 14:22
Kindness is the ultimate influencer and when I say I’m you know Miami’s go to or when I start quoting that I Miami’s go to or Manny’s top kindness influencer, it’s really to get the attention that you listening you Maria, you and I we are kindness influencers and what we need more of is more kindness influencers, because that’s what influences people and why because it speaks to the core of who we are. Right. So it’s easy, quote, unquote, to motivate people when you’re speaking directly to what matters to them. Right. So that first year event was I set the cause, right, it’s 911. And it’s for our servicemen and women and their families. The other events the five kids Artfest is what cause do you care about? You tell me, what is it? Is it hungers and homelessness? Is it cancer? Is it children? Is it this that then participate for that than 5k? Was it for like running and athleticism, the 5k was for five kind acts. And each station was a different act of kindness that people can perform. And it was just unlimited. Wonderful, beautiful display. And you know, that year, the last year that I hosted that was October of 2016. And I burned out. I mean, I burnt out many times, throughout the almost 15 years that I’ve been a solo entrepreneur, right? I’ve burned out many times. But that year, hate October of 2016, I burned out, complete exhaustion, physical, emotional, spiritual, I was just done. And I think when I look back, I’ve recovered now I still see I’m a retired and recovering event planner, still retired and recovering from that. Yeah, but um, I think when I look back, I really felt I felt hurt. I felt that, you know, we, as a community, and as volunteers were putting on such a big effort for the community. And in October of 2016, remember that political climate not so different from what we’re living now? Right? People were like, flying off to storm to the Capitol for the historic protests. And people are, you know, all of this was going on, right? And I’m like, Hey, where are we supporting all the anti protests and all the anti things that we’re not supporting, like, people that are doing the pro love the pro kindness and creating more of what we want in this world, I suppose just in this place where I just felt hurt, right. And I guess I didn’t feel a lot of empathy from the community and the nonprofits and the people that I wished to serve. And I just like, shut down for a while. And I kind of went into my own little cave. And I’m like, going, it’s time to be kind to myself, and show all this kindness and empathy that is outward focus my entire life. Because I’m a Parker, I’m a person that performs acts of random kindness. That’s my acronym for the people in my organization are Parker’s people that perform acts of kindness, we are usually like that, right? We’re other focused and all in service. And what I learned, at least in my own journey, is that if you’re not willing to express that same level of kindness and empathy towards yourself, and what you’re going through, it’s really not going to be sustainable, right, you’re not going to be sustainable. So I really am grateful for that really difficult experience in 2016. And having come up from that, I’m really back now normal mama to life is completely different. Right? But now I have boundaries. Right? So we’re talking about kindness and empathy and the importance of boundaries here. Right. I
Maria Ross 17:35
think that was one of the key things that I started to establish around my philanthropic desires. Well, I want to dive into that a little bit more, because I think that is a common issue with people that leaders especially that do practice empathy, and practice, kindness is number one, they burn out. And number two, they might struggle to set boundaries. So can you give us some tips about how you continue to do the work that you do? And avoid burnout? What are you doing for yourself? What are some of the practices if you can share? And what kinds of boundaries do you set that you have found have been really effective to keep your well full, so you can continue to act with kindness, but that protect the things that need protecting? Because I think this is a common issue I hear from leaders. And it’s why I’m working on my next book, which is about how to remain empathetic while still setting boundaries and avoiding burnout. So since I’ve got you, let’s talk about that a little bit, because I think that’s going to be really valuable for listeners.
Marly Q Casanova 18:39
Yes, yes. It’s so valuable, because it is a continual practice, right? I want to make sure that I’m not coming on here and seeming like I’m on some pedestal or I’ve reached like the summit of, you know, mental health and wellness here, right. But I have done the work, I have done quite a bit of healing work and personal development work and making the time to actually consider what are my needs, right. So the same way that I consider everybody else, right? And just considering myself and my own needs. So it’s really if step one is Pause, pause and make that time for you. For you. Is it a planning workshop? Is it a retreat? Is it you know, the alone time somewhere? Is it a trip to the beach, whatever it is for you, where you can give yourself some time and space? To settle? Right your own mind and ask some pretty key questions, right? Like, what is most important to me right now? Right? Because what’s most important to me right now is different than what was most important to me in 2016, right when I burned out, right? So it’s this continual process of checking in with you and what’s most important to me, what am I focused on most right now? What are my my desires around time? Right? Like, how do I want to feel? When I think about my day and my schedule and what I have to do, right, what do I want my experience to would be. So it’s just a few like key questions that I asked myself and that I go through when I sit with my clients and like, say, Okay, we feel overwhelmed right now before we hit burnout. Let’s take a look at what’s on deck what’s on the plate, right? Because if you look at what’s on the plate, we forget to take care of, we’re just focused on everything that’s on our plate, we forget to take care of the plate that’s holding all the things on the plate, right? So if that analogy, or that idea helps to think about it, that’s what I would say is a good first strategy is think about, what does the plate need, so that it’s strong enough to hold all the things that you have on it?
Maria Ross 20:36
And I’m curious, tactically, how do you do that? Do you make time every week that you do a check in with yourself? How do you manage that so that you’re continually checking in with yourself and giving yourself that time?
Marly Q Casanova 20:49
That’s a great question. So I think that when you don’t have this habit of checking in with yourself, right, which I did not have any kind of concept of self care. Back then I had no self care practice, right? So you can’t take on like all these changes at once, right? That’s why it’s a continual like process. For me. As far as my planning time I plan. I’m a planner, a little bit of a master planner. So I do this all the time. But every week, what I want to accomplish, what is my most important thing that I want to accomplish this week? I limited to three, right? Like, what are the three most important things no more than that? And on a daily basis, like what are the three things that I must accomplish today, no matter how many appointments I have, no matter how many emails I get, no matter how many calls, but are like what is the key most important thing? And then to if I’m having a really like awesome achievement day, right? But I actually plan every week for the week. And every day. I look at my calendar is like, yeah, very, very important to me. You take that moment. Yeah. And I think it like we get so caught up in all the to dues that actually has to be the first to do it the other day, because we what we practice is like putting out the fires, right? Well, we practice is we wake up in the morning, our feet hit the floor, we’re like, let’s go. And we have you have kids, you gotta like get them dressed, and get them to school and get them fed. And if you have a job, you got to go and get traffic going, like whatever your routine is, for the day, you still have time to be kind to yourself, like this is the message you got time. Everyone’s like, Oh, I’ve got time, you got time. And I’m gonna give you my perspective on time that I hope helps. It’s an acronym ready for an acronym? Can I drop one? Yeah. So time is an acronym for this is my experience, or this is my excuse. So once we begin to relate with our time, like, the time that you have is this moment in time? And how do you want to experience your time here, like when you have a very clear understanding of why you’re here, you don’t know how much time you have. So there’s a sense of urgency, right to do the things that you wish to do. And if you have an understanding that you’re never going to have enough time to check off all the boxes and do all the things and clear out all the emails in the inbox and handle every single little thing, you are never going to have, quote unquote, have enough time to do all the things. But you always you always got time to do the things that are most important to you. And your that is the acronym for gift of time. So when I say I got time, it’s a very empowering statement to me, because I used to be the person that lied. It’s a toxic lie to tell yourself, I don’t have time for people. I don’t have time for that. I don’t have time. Yes, you do. You got time for what you say is most important to you. And then you decide to not make time for the things that aren’t. And what we need to do is just be a little more honest with what is actually most important to us and make sure you got time for that. Right. And then you realize that you actually can make time for all the other things to without sacrificing what is most important to you.
Maria Ross 23:59
Absolutely, I’ve changed my whole narrative around time after reading a book, which I will link to in the show notes that the name is escaping me, but it was life changing. And it was about us stopping the narrative to ourselves that I don’t have time. I don’t have time I’m too busy. Because we are constantly making decisions about how we’re prioritizing that time. Right? And if I don’t have time for something, it’s either a I’ve forgotten about it, which is very likely or be I maybe subconsciously decided it wasn’t as important to me as I thought it was. And I have to look at that and say why? Because then if I start to argue with myself and say, of course it’s important to you, then I have to think about why I’m not making the time but we but even just going into my day going I’ve got enough time I’ve got enough time it actually helps me look at my to do list with more clarity and say I’ve got enough time because actually these three things I don’t have to do today. I can do those things two days from now and I can put that in my calendar to do that. Stan, but we get so caught up in that narrative that that’s what burns us out, honestly really
Marly Q Casanova 25:05
does. It really does. And when we’re talking about empathy and trying to, you know, elevate or amplify our ability to be more empathetic, in our home, in our workplaces, and in the world, even that, right, how does it feel when someone says, or someone feels that you got time for them? Like? Yes, like when someone feels that they can, you know, give me a call to talk about what they need to talk about? Because that that is kindness, it’s like you are, you have made a, an energy field around you that lets other people know, you can come you can come here and talk to me, I got time. Right. So I really think that just flipping that narrative, you know, and if the acronym helps, right, give yourself time, I love that it’s so great, because it is really is the truth, all we have is the gift of this time. Well, and
Maria Ross 25:50
also, you know, that’s the excuse that that many leaders who are over worked and burning out, say when it’s like, oh, now I have to make time to be empathetic. Now I’ve got to make time to get to know all of my people on my team at a personal level, yes, because it’s actually going to save you time in the long run, not every time make that investment. Now, you’re going to be much better at collaborating, you’re going to get more done. And it’s not about doing it. So you are producing more. But putting that you know, planting those seeds, making that investment, whatever analogy you want to use, will actually in the long run make you more successful. So we think we don’t have time for empathy and kindness at work, but we absolutely have to make the time. Absolutely, absolutely. I
Marly Q Casanova 26:36
usually say You know, when people say I’m too busy, I actually share these toxic lies. So the lie about the time was one, I’m gonna draw another one just because it’s aligned here. When people say you’re too busy, right? So if you’re out there, and you’re guilty of this lie, so is I too busy, too busy. I’m too busy. I’m so busy. Oh my goodness. If you feel that you are too busy, to actually prioritize You, yourself care what’s most important to your goals or your family? Like if you feel frustrated that you are too busy to focus on what actually matters to you. I’m here to kindly tell you, you are really busy being unaware and stressing yourself busy being unaware and stressing yourself. Because if we had the awareness, which is why I said Step one is to pause and actually take audits right asleep, be aware of my fresh frustrated about what are actually care about what are the priorities, what are the goals and prioritize that, then you wouldn’t feel right. You wouldn’t be unaware of stressing yourself, you’d be super aware that you’re supporting yourself, right, which is the other busy being unapologetically supporting yourself, you can be busy being unapologetically supporting yourself, right? So when I say I’m too busy to go to lunch, or I’m too busy for the happy hour, or I’m too busy for, you know, to go to the beach on Sunday, for example. And it’s because I’m being unapologetically supporting yourself, right? That feels good. When you say I’m real busy, because I’m focused on my family or my goals or my whatever I’ve got going on. Right. But you’re just saying on automatic. I’m too busy. I don’t got time. You’re just seeing unaware and stressing yourself and we need to pause and take stock, because that’s the road to burnout. That unawareness.
Maria Ross 28:18
So good. So good. One last question. What do you say about people who have trouble balancing the personal with too personal especially at work? So they exude kindness. They’re trying to be empathetic. But they can’t set those boundaries, they end up losing themselves in another person’s challenges issues. What do you tell people? And what do you do for yourself to set those boundaries so that you’re doing it in a loving way?
Marly Q Casanova 28:47
So I hope this sounds loving, you know, but now I have a practice of when people are coming to me with things, and I used to be someone that would like, really take it on and now Yes, sleep at night. And now I’m really worried about like you and your right, which is like empathy. There’s got to be a boundary with that, right? Because when I get home, I don’t want to like feed that to like my husband or my kids. Right? I want to leave that there because that’s yours, but I held space for it. Right? So how can we do both? I asked a question. Do you need support or a solution? That’s how I protect my boundary. Because I sometimes would fall to the notion that if someone’s sharing, like their troubles with me, then that means they’re looking to me for you know, solving ice or to solve it in a way and I love solving problems. Actually, our human brain loves solving problems, right? And that would be like a pitfall that I would get into is I’m, I’m listening I’m holding space and being empathetic, but then I’m offering advice that’s really unsolicited, or I’m trying to take the sound like well, I can connect you to so and so. And really what I found by practicing this is that most people just want you to support them. They just want to feel that you You are holding space with whatever challenging thing they want to share with you. And that’s, that’s really all you needed to do. They just want someone
Maria Ross 30:08
to listen. Yeah, they just sometimes that’s all that they need. I love that. So what is the question? Say it again for us?
Marly Q Casanova 30:15
Is that do you? Are you looking for support or a solution? I love that this support or solution so that I know. And I can prepare myself like, okay, great. Here we go support.
Maria Ross 30:25
Right solution, okay, I’m in like a different like mode in my brain, right? And maybe if they say they’re looking for solution, you can actually then set that boundary of okay, I want to help you with that. I can’t help you with that right now. But let’s schedule a time because that’s going to be a deeper conversation.
Marly Q Casanova 30:40
Exactly. And that’s where boundaries come in. Right? Like just because someone else has, I don’t know, send you an email or has popped at your door, or has decided to text you does not mean that die or emergency
Maria Ross 30:52
is not necessarily my emergency. Yeah.
Marly Q Casanova 30:57
And there’s this really, I mean, I don’t think it’s I don’t know who to quote here. But when I did event planning, right, it was your lack of planning does not constitute an emergency you see on my part,
Maria Ross 31:07
I know I’ve heard that too. I mean, that’s so true.
Marly Q Casanova 31:09
This is a little tricky when we’re talking about like empathy, but in kind of like, you can make the parallel there like, just because right now you’re under fire doesn’t mean that, like, I need to go into the fire with you. I can be like, Oh, my goodness, right now, do you need a phone call right now? Can I call you at six for exact Right? Right, right. Oh, my goodness, like you have the power to be there to be empathetic. And also consider your own needs in this right? Like, how much time do you have to dedicate to this? This? Oh, my goodness, I definitely want to be here for you. I’ve got about like five minutes, does a phone call for five minutes? Like help? Or can I call you like later this weekend? Right? Because I’ve got an event on Friday. Right? Is this an emergency you need support with right now? Or can I make time next week? You can do that? Right? What happens is we don’t have the practice of setting these boundaries and communicating them. So it feels like we’re doing something wrong, where it’s not okay, it is totally okay. And you know what, people appreciate it. They respect it. And thus, maybe now, like, for example, somebody calls me I got 9pm. Since I became a mom of two, I have a two year old and a four year old. And I am not available. No, not at all. At all. After like, I put my kids to bed for nobody, unless there’s some kind of emergency. Right? Hey, and I had a really kind, you know, friend who called me and you’d call like, repeatedly until I picked up and one day for nothing other than just to talk, which is nice. And I normally like would but not ran boundaries now. Like I’m not speaking to anybody after 9pm Because I need to recharge. Right? So it was actually picked up the phone is super kindly like hey, so and so. I see that you’ve caught me presents. Are you okay? Is everything all right? Well, yeah, I just want to create, listen, I can talk to you tomorrow. And I definitely want to let you know as a friend, like, I’m not available after 9pm ever. Unless it’s an absolute emergency. Right? If you need me and I can solve a problem for you immediately. That’s when you can call me after 9pm. Okay, cool, and never happen again. Maybe it was a little uncomfortable, right? You don’t want to tell people but no. So you already called me a couple times after 9pm. So make I gotta put the brakes on that. That’s not okay. Yeah, yeah. And it doesn’t make me unkind. And it doesn’t make me a bad person. It
Maria Ross 33:12
doesn’t matter. I’m not empathetic. It makes me somebody that has boundaries, right. And I’m trying to myself now. So sometimes people get confused that you can set boundaries and make tough decisions. The empathy and the kindness is the how, you know what I mean? It’s how you go about communicating it or doing it. It doesn’t mean just, you know, I’m a kind person, I would never tell somebody they shouldn’t call me after nine. No, that’s the action. The kindness is in how you deliver the message. Right? And most of the time, people are fine with it. Yes. I can be super kindly, assertive. Yes, exactly. Kindly, confident, right? confidently. Empathetic is what I call it for leaders because you can make a really tough business decision. Something that you can’t change your mind about, just because someone else might want you to like a layoff or having to come back into the office or whatever it is. But you can do it with empathy by really understanding and listening to people and sharing their concerns. It doesn’t mean you’re necessarily going to change that policy. Correct. So yeah, my policy sticks no afternoon via a call after night. All right, I love this so much. And before we go, I want you to explain to us, you go by Marley Q What is the Q stands for? Love this question. So my birth name, right? I
Marly Q Casanova 34:32
am a daughter of Cuban immigrants, right? I’m a first generation Hispanic American. My birth name is Madeline. They like it. Dad. Kinkos says, This is my name. So as you may imagine, I grew up with a lot of people not being able to pronounce my name, right. And then in sixth grade, I remember this beautiful teacher said she was having trouble saying my name. And she’s like, can I call you Marley Q. It’s kind of like Suzie Q it’s bubbly. It’s kind This sounds like you. And I feel like honestly, for the first time in my life, I felt like I heard my name. I love that. Yes, you can call me Marley Q. That’s great. And I started going by that, like, it’s my nickname. Uh huh. And once I finally started my business, and and decided to become a personal brand and all of that jazz, I’m like, Alright, I’m gonna own it. My business is Marley que ella, lovey. And now the queue is really like my middle name. Right? So I changed my name legally to Marley Q. Casanova is my married name. I got serious name upgrade. And the queue now I just I joke and say that it’s sad that it stands for questions. So Marley cue cue for questions. I love it. And I get that question a lot.
Maria Ross 35:39
That’s great. I love it so much. Well, thank you so much for your insights today, super helpful to so many leaders who are struggling right now trying to be there for their teams, but also having to make some tough decisions about the business about the industry, the market that we’re in right now. So I think this was super valuable. We were gonna have all your links in the show notes. But for folks on the go, where’s the best place? They can learn more about you or connect with you?
Marly Q Casanova 36:04
Absolutely. So friends, LinkedIn is a great place. I’m at Marley Q Mar LYQ, or Instagram at Marley Q. And of course, my website, Marley q.com. And you have a kind crew on Facebook. Yes, yes. So my kind crew so Parker’s listening. If you identify as a person that performs acts of random kindness, I consider you part of my kind crew. And you can find our the link in the show notes to request access to join our private Facebook group. It’s a community of 300 plus beautiful Parkers that are all in their own way influencing kindness worldwide. Love it. And just for folks that are on the go, I’m going to tell them it’s kind QEWQ are on WW sorry, crew. Wonderful. Well, thanks, Marley for the conversation and for the work that you’re doing in the world. We appreciate you. Same same. Thank
Maria Ross 36:52
you so much, Maria. And thank you everyone for listening to another episode of the empathy edge podcast. If you liked it, you know what to do, rate and review and share it with a colleague or a friend. And until next time, please remember that cashflow, creativity and compassion are not mutually exclusive. Take care and be kind. For more on how to achieve radical success through empathy, visit the empathy edge.com. There you can listen to past episodes, access shownotes and free resources. Book me for a Keynote or workshop and sign up for our email list to get new episodes insights, news and events. Please follow me on Instagram at Red slice Maria. Never forget empathy is your superpower. Use it to make your work and the world a better place.
